Venting Realizing i can't do it

[LifeSick]

I'm starting to realize that I need to stop fantasizing about death. I know for sure that I can't ctb. Not right now.

There are a bunch of reasons for fearing suicide. I fear the unknown of nonexistence. I fear failing and ending up worse than before. I fear I might be making the wrong choice. But all these reasons can be circumvented.

What really stops me from doing it are my parents. Especially my mom, she already has to watch her own mother slowly dying of Alzheimer's. I can't stop imagining her crying the suicide of her only child. And I know they wouldn't understand it (as most parents wouldn't). I cannot bring myself to cause them so much pain. They have always been so supportive and caring.

To be clear, I'm not saying that's a good reason to not ctb and i'm not trying to convince anyone here. I don't think people should keep living in pain just to please other people. I'm completely pro choice. But i also know that I just can't do it. It's a horrible situation to be in, I feel like it would be better if i just did it but i know for sure I can't.

So that's why I need to stop thinking about it. It's good to know that this is a option I can choose one day, but not right now. I have to continue living. Fortunately for me my problems aren't unsolvable, at least in theory (I mean, I'll always have depression, but it's possible I can find a way to manage it), so I have to keep trying. I have to focus on life and forget death or else I'll just be dragging myself even lower, and no matter how low I am, I know I can't do it. Fuck, I feel so trapped. The only way for me is the hard way, so i'll have to find some hope.

Anyway, I'm just venting here. Maybe someone will understand, even though this is so badly written.

 

[Trashcan]

That is an extremely frustrating spot to be in - wanting to ctb, but then also being afraid of death. It really is one of the most tiring and painful conflicts one can have oneself.

If you want to get better, medications and therapy really can help some people. It can take trial and error, but some people have managed to find the right medication and therapist, and have gotten a lot better. There are also many different treatment options, such as DBT, CBT, EMDR, etc.

If you are more keen on ctb, maybe looking at another suicide method would be good. Something like SN or N might be good. Peaceful, nonviolent, and also, if you end up changing your mind, you probably won't suffer from long-term damage.

Either way, I am sorry you are going through this, and hopefully you are able to find some happiness and peace no matter what you decide to do.

It is clear from your post you are a considerate person. Also, your post was not poorly written.

 

[LifeSick]

That is an extremely frustrating spot to be in - wanting to ctb, but then also being afraid of death. It really is one of the most tiring and painful conflicts one can have oneself.

If you want to get better, medications and therapy really can help some people. It can take trial and error, but some people have managed to find the right medication and therapist, and have gotten a lot better. There are also many different treatment options, such as DBT, CBT, EMDR, etc.

If you are more keen on ctb, maybe looking at another suicide method would be good. Something like SN or N might be good. Peaceful, nonviolent, and also, if you end up changing your mind, you probably won't suffer from long-term damage.

Either way, I am sorry you are going through this, and hopefully you are able to find some happiness and peace no matter what you decide to do.

It is clear from your post you are a considerate person. Also, your post was not poorly written.

Thank you for the kind words trashcan. I never really looked at any suicide methods, but i'm thinking of saving these resources somewhere so I know i'll always have them ready, In case this site goes down.

As for medication, I'm a bit worried to try them. I guess the worst i usually happens is they dont work and i stop taking them, but i also head some pretty scary stories. Can they leave permanent damage? I guess been depressed for so long also leaves permanent damage so...

 

[Trashcan]

Thank you for the kind words trashcan. I never really looked at any suicide methods, but i'm thinking of saving these resources somewhere so I know i'll always have them ready, In case this site goes down.

As for medication, I'm a bit worried to try them. I guess the worst i usually happens is they dont work and i stop taking them, but i also head some pretty scary stories. Can they leave permanent damage? I guess been depressed for so long also leaves permanent damage so...

It doesn't hurt to save those resources in case you change your mind. But if you're uncertain, giving life a try isn't a bad idea.

Unfortunately, I don't know enough about medications to tell you about permanent damage. However, if a psychiatrist wants to prescribe you something, you could research it or ask us on here about it. We'll be more than happy to share any knowledge we have about it, such as experiences or what it does long term. :) But that's a good question to ask.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think it's great you gave it this much consideration - every suicidal person owes it to themselves and their environment to weigh it up this much.

In any case, it's positive to come to a realization the way you have. It's better to know yourself and where you're at than risk taking action too hastily. Welcome back to the land of the living. I have cookies, if you're interested.

 

[LifeSick]

I think it's great you gave it this much consideration - every suicidal person owes it to themselves and their environment to weigh it up this much.

In any case, it's positive to come to a realization the way you have. It's better to know yourself and where you're at than risk taking action too hastily. Welcome back to the land of the living. I have cookies, if you're interested.

Thank you. You are awesome. I'll take 2 cookies if I may.

 

[LifeSick]

I also want to thank someone who's not around here anymore. He came to similar conclusion before he left SS and that helped me a lot to see what I might be doing wrong. You probably won't read this but thank you Ben.

 

[Aesthler]

There isn't a single thing wrong with the way you feel or the conclusion you've come to. The most important thing is making the right choice. No matter what happens we will all be here for you.

 

[Nem]

It's your life so therefore your choice! I made the mistake of trying to ctb on a site that wasn't understanding like this one and it caused huge problems. Actually, being in a controlling relationship caused the most problems by far without a doubt holy crap was I ever a retard for getting into a relationship with a freaking sociopath. Fml

 

[millefeui]

I can only hope for peace and love in your heart, no matter what you choose to do. Sticking around for other people is admirable, definitely something I wouldn't be able to do for a significantly long period of time. Cheers.

 

[bigj75]

I find it hard to ctb myself. Maybe my survival instinct is too strong or something. Maybe I'm too fearful of failure. Every time I've tried something goes wrong.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Your candor is appreciated. At least you know yourself enough not to make a slipshod attempt, self-sabotaging all the time. I've seen it happen, and the outcome can be nasty.

If I'm allowed some general advice, do try to turn your life around and improve it, even if only at the margins. Maybe you'll escape whatever it was that made you want to ctb in the first place.

 

[Battered_Seoul]

Can relate completely; exactly the same scenario. Grandmother dying of dementia while blameless mother deals with life's challenges with nobility and grace. Seems like a profound insult to her to CTB, antinatalist logic notwithstanding.

I have my method set up, yet I am completely paralysed.

 

[Gainax]

From a rational point of view you have 2 options
1- ctb, and make the life of your mother even more miserable by having to deal alone with her mothers Alzheimer and knowing you wont be there to take care of her when she grow older

2-find a solution to your mental problems, seek therapy, take meds, leave this site, stay away from depressed people,, seek a good job so you can help them financially and emocionally

 

[Aris.NecroLight]

Thank you for the kind words trashcan. I never really looked at any suicide methods, but i'm thinking of saving these resources somewhere so I know i'll always have them ready, In case this site goes down.

As for medication, I'm a bit worried to try them. I guess the worst i usually happens is they dont work and i stop taking them, but i also head some pretty scary stories. Can they leave permanent damage? I guess been depressed for so long also leaves permanent damage so...

It highly depends on every person. In my particular case, leaving medication affected me but more from a rational point of view. What I mean is, my body still felt alright and I myself was alright. Even my mind wasn't all that wrong. In fact, I felt better than when I was taking medication. But my suicidal ideas also grew and went too strong, so, it's one of those things that look almost like a paradox. I felt my thoughts were at its best, but at the same time, that's sort of what convinced me of ctb (it wasn't the first time, too). It's almost as if everything leads you to ctb, and as if life is more about focusing on only a few things. It's more or less what I learned with time.

I'm still not sure life is worth living, but, with time I've learned that some people really have a chance to keep living. It's a very relative thing. Some people look like completely lost but they eventually make it out. While others simply can't. Like other users said, maybe that's good if you give it a try to keep living. I on my end will also try to help you as much as I can (though I don't know much, but I can still help with my personal experiences), whatever you decide to do. ctb is not an easy thing to do either, not for some people at least (including me, despite already having done it). You need to make sure of what you feel. I think that's the key to ctb, or to keep living.

 

[Jon86]

Keep fighting while you still have a choice in the matter. If something can improve, then by all means continue. I know I would.

Hope, guilt and fear are all great motivators away from death. It only takes one to keep you going. They are hard to overcome when facing death.

 

[LifeSick]

There isn't a single thing wrong with the way you feel or the conclusion you've come to. The most important thing is making the right choice. No matter what happens we will all be here for you.

Thank you! This is the right choice I'm sure. I wish you luck on whatever challenges you may face.

 

[LifeSick]

It's your life so therefore your choice! I made the mistake of trying to ctb on a site that wasn't understanding like this one and it caused huge problems. Actually, being in a controlling relationship caused the most problems by far without a doubt holy crap was I ever a retard for getting into a relationship with a freaking sociopath. Fml

Romantic relationships are incredibly powerful. They can make you feel like all your problems disappeared but they can also deeply fuck you up, and if the person you love starts being bad for you, it can still be incredibly hard to leave them. I can relate to you regret of getting into a relationship, but I don't think it's our fault, we couldn't possible have any idea of what our future would be like. Well, I don't know anything about what happened to you, I hope I don't sound patronizing.

 

[Nem]

From a rational point of view you have 2 options
1- ctb, and make the life of your mother even more miserable by having to deal alone with her mothers Alzheimer and knowing you wont be there to take care of her when she grow older

2-find a solution to your mental problems, seek therapy, take meds, leave this site, stay away from depressed people,, seek a good job so you can help them financially and emocionally

I don't think things are that cut and dry. The first option puts tremendous guilt on the poster, the second option sounds like right out of a textbook...life doesn't always work that way. Meds aren't some kind of golden answer (otherwise depression wouldn't be so common but it's worse now and meds are prescribed more than ever), therapy is arguably more effective than meds. Finding a good job...not the easiest but is possible, doesn't mean it will cause the depression to go away.
There's a third option, keep fighting yet feeling rough and stay alive so other people aren't affected by your lack of being around. It's going to be tough but anything is possible that things can improve with time, I would see a naturopath before seeing a head shrinker...natural treatments rarely kill you but pharmaceutical drugs can't lay the same claim.
Depression isn't feeling sorry for yourself or anything like that, do you have bothers or sisters that you can talk to? Try to make meds a last resort, the whole industry is a sham and is a business first model.
Peace

 

[LifeSick]

I can only hope for peace and love in your heart, no matter what you choose to do. Sticking around for other people is admirable, definitely something I wouldn't be able to do for a significantly long period of time. Cheers.

Thanks for the kind words Mille. I've been depressed for close to a decade but I've only been really suicidal for a couple of months, so I definitely don't know what it's like to do this for a significantly long period of time.

 

[Nem]

Romantic relationships are incredibly powerful. They can make you feel like all your problems disappeared but they can also deeply fuck you up, and if the person you love starts being bad for you, it can still be incredibly hard to leave them. I can relate to you regret of getting into a relationship, but I don't think it's our fault, we couldn't possible have any idea of what our future would be like. Well, I don't know anything about what happened to you, I hope I don't sound patronizing.

Thanks. She actually was a freaking jerk plain and simple, had zero empathy, zero patience, somewhat sociopathic/narcissistic, anger issues and was controlling. I saw a few of these traits at the start and as time went on they became more obvious but I started down the razor blade slide of taking meds and that sealed my fate. A coworker offered me some of his valium and that was the absolute worst thing I could've started, combine that with a careless Dr and suicide isn't too far around the corner. She was a terrible person, I'm sure at least a few people would've burned the house down/smashed out the windows...I woder what her ex has to say about her? He dropped her and her shit attitude promptly and wanted nothing to do with her. I'll leave as much as possible in my note I leave behind...thanks for your post I appreciate it!
Peace

 

[LifeSick]

Your candor is appreciated. At least you know yourself enough not to make a slipshod attempt, self-sabotaging all the time. I've seen it happen, and the outcome can be nasty.

If I'm allowed some general advice, do try to turn your life around and improve it, even if only at the margins. Maybe you'll escape whatever it was that made you want to ctb in the first place.

Thank you, I do value honesty a lot, even tough sometimes it's hard to be honest, even with myself.
I sure hope i'll escape it and find some quality of life.

 

[TAW122]

The survival instinct really is a bitch to overcome. I can't speak for everyone, but in general, it would require specific circumstances like things getting so bad that it overwhelms your ability to cope, being in a specific state of despair (not just temporary sadness or dread, but more long term and heavier sadness), and of course for the other circumstances to be right - such that your rational mind has fully convinced you that death is a relief (very very hard to achieve that state).

 

[hunter_lewis]

Thank you for the kind words trashcan. I never really looked at any suicide methods, but i'm thinking of saving these resources somewhere so I know i'll always have them ready, In case this site goes down.

As for medication, I'm a bit worried to try them. I guess the worst i usually happens is they dont work and i stop taking them, but i also head some pretty scary stories. Can they leave permanent damage? I guess been depressed for so long also leaves permanent damage so...

If you ever have the feeling you need to get something off your chest, you can always come back to the site-we are pro choice and respect any decision. I personally think you are pretty hardballs for going on with your life. Death is always an option-but life is not.
(Obviously, if someone does not want to live that is all right too. It takes a lot of courage to go on with life but also to ctb)

 

[LifeSick]

From a rational point of view you have 2 options
1- ctb, and make the life of your mother even more miserable by having to deal alone with her mothers Alzheimer and knowing you wont be there to take care of her when she grow older

2-find a solution to your mental problems, seek therapy, take meds, leave this site, stay away from depressed people,, seek a good job so you can help them financially and emocionally

You're right that these are indeed my only 2 choices. I'm doing therapy since before being suicidal, I'm also seeing a psych, although i'm only prescribed a sleep aid right now. I'm still not sure if I should take antidepressants.

I was also thinking about leaving this site, but I'm not sure if it would be better to do it. I know that nobody here will encourage me to ctb and almost everyone here is pretty supportive.

Staying away from depressed people is not something I would be comfortable doing. I would only feel worse if people abandoned me because of my depression, how could I do the same to the people I like?

As for a job, I need one, but not to help them, only to help myself. My parents will be able to retire comfortably, unless there's a civil war or a military coup in my country (now that I think about it, a coup is not that unlikely).

 

[LifeSick]

It highly depends on every person. In my particular case, leaving medication affected me but more from a rational point of view. What I mean is, my body still felt alright and I myself was alright. Even my mind wasn't all that wrong. In fact, I felt better than when I was taking medication. But my suicidal ideas also grew and went too strong, so, it's one of those things that look almost like a paradox. I felt my thoughts were at its best, but at the same time, that's sort of what convinced me of ctb (it wasn't the first time, too). It's almost as if everything leads you to ctb, and as if life is more about focusing on only a few things. It's more or less what I learned with time.

I'm still not sure life is worth living, but, with time I've learned that some people really have a chance to keep living. It's a very relative thing. Some people look like completely lost but they eventually make it out. While others simply can't. Like other users said, maybe that's good if you give it a try to keep living. I on my end will also try to help you as much as I can (though I don't know much, but I can still help with my personal experiences), whatever you decide to do. ctb is not an easy thing to do either, not for some people at least (including me, despite already having done it). You need to make sure of what you feel. I think that's the key to ctb, or to keep living.

Thank you for the support. I can try to help you too if you need.

How long did you take the meds? You mention you felt better when you went off them, but did they ever make you feel better or was it a complete waste of time?

 

[RM5998]

@LifeSick I'd like to wish you all the luck in the world for the remainder of your existence. Personally, I'm tired of living, both for other people and for myself, so I admire your tenacity and selflessness. It's certainly something I could never muster up the courage to do for any length of time.

Good luck on whatever path you take from here. I hope you find some measure of peace and happiness.

 

[LifeSick]

@LifeSick I'd like to wish you all the luck in the world for the remainder of your existence. Personally, I'm tired of living, both for other people and for myself, so I admire your tenacity and selflessness. It's certainly something I could never muster up the courage to do for any length of time.

Good luck on whatever path you take from here. I hope you find some measure of peace and happiness.

I don't think it's about courage. I don't know. I just can't do it, it's not really a choice I think. I appreciate your admiration, but i'm not sure selflessness is something to be admired. It seems it only helped fuck me over more. I wish i could find a balance between selflessness and selfishness.

Good luck to you too, I hope we both can find some sort of peace.

 

[Gainax]

You're right that these are indeed my only 2 choices. I'm doing therapy since before being suicidal, I'm also seeing a psych, although i'm only prescribed a sleep aid right now. I'm still not sure if I should take antidepressants.

I was also thinking about leaving this site, but I'm not sure if it would be better to do it. I know that nobody here will encourage me to ctb and almost everyone here is pretty supportive.

Staying away from depressed people is not something I would be comfortable doing. I would only feel worse if people abandoned me because of my depression, how could I do the same to the people I like?

As for a job, I need one, but not to help them, only to help myself. My parents will be able to retire comfortably, unless there's a civil war or a military coup in my country (now that I think about it, a coup is not that unlikely).

I meant it in a way as if you want to be a happy and positive person i believe the best way to do it is to surround yourself with happy and positive people, depressed people like me will always emit a negative vibe no matter how much help people try to give me, people can try to help me but only if i am willing to accept the change otherwise i will only be dragging others all along to my dark world.

Staying in the site would be a constant reminder of depressive thoughts and suicidal ideation you once had

 

[RM5998]

I meant it in a way as if you want to be a happy and positive person i believe the best way to do it is to surround yourself with happy and positive people, depressed people like me will always emit a negative vibe no matter how much help people try to give me, people can try to help me but only if i am willing to accept the change otherwise i will only be dragging others all along to my dark world.

Staying in the site would be a constant reminder of depressive thoughts and suicidal ideation you once had

While I do agree with the basic understanding you have of depressed people, I think that this shows that the only permanent (to some extent, at least) solution involves mass euthanasia, Orwellian manipulation of thoughts and language and the sensory overload of the World State. Without that, we'll always be stuck with a disenfranchised crowd that takes away from society's intended goal of widespread permanent happiness.