I have to tell this part of my story while I am still around.
I guess I must hope nobody finds it, if they do, then they do.
I have always known this, but slowly others who know me have figured it out themselves.
This is the fact about my life I deny most of all, and that is how I never even thought about abusing drugs or alcohol before I moved into this shitty house with my husband.
Never, not once, I did weed and that was it ,the thought of taking over 60 over the counter codeine pain pills each day never even entered my head, let alone something as soul destroying as Benzos.
My brain was, and still is, trying to figure out ways to get out of this situation. I know realistically there is no way out other than CTB, and it's not the only reason by far, the main reason is the benzo withdrawal and my poor health and the level of pain I am in each day.
It's not that I don't care about him, I just hate the whole situation, I have never felt so stuck in all my life. It got worse after I married him.
I am so fed up with everything, he has tried to set up his own online business but he's not sold one single item. He will have to go back to work soon and that will make this much worse because he will start suspecting me of using drugs again.
I would LOVE to use drugs again, but not doing so makes sure I at least have a place to live, as much as I hate it here.
I told him the other day I had had enough and was 'considering leaving', little does he know what leaving really means.
My mum told me in no uncertain terms I cannot come back home, even if I wanted to leave, I have nowhere to go, this has always been the same story. I have no money to support myself and nowhere to go.
I hate where we live, I hate his attitude towards his own life, I hate our shitty house which I misguidedly spent my grandma's inheritance on. I wish I hadn't done that to be honest, I could have used that money to end this situation once and for all.
I think I used all those drugs etc to try and hide from the fact I hate this situation so much. I keep hoping something unforeseen will happen and take it out of my hands, ending this shit without me having to. Nah, I don't think actually, I know. I know this is the reason behind why I did this to myself
Now I don't even have the drugs to dull it anymore, I've turned into a very stony, stoic individual in response to two years of horrendous benzo withdrawal and to this situation, I know I am very resilient now, if you met me I would not come over as someone who is planning on CTB.
Now I am done with the hell of the acute phase of benzo withdrawal, where your brain is not able to comprehend what day it is, let alone how awful your life is, I am realizing that all the problems that drove me to use the stuff in the first place are still there.
I am still in exactly the same situation I was in before I ever took the stuff. I think it was this that drove me to do it too, I never did anything like it before.
Husband said 'you're scared to share your life with someone else', my internal reply was 'I am not scared, I am fed up of having to share my life with you, someone who does not give a shit about anything other than money and himself'.
He makes himself out to be innocent in all of this, but he hasn't got a fucking clue. He doesn't even know me, people here know me way better than he ever will.
I OD'ed once in late 2014 I think, and in the midst of me discharging myself from the hospital, I told myself the only way out of this situation would be in a body bag, I knew back then how this would end for me, one way or another, death is the only release for me now.
Oh, that and I have always struggled with my sexuality too, this is a real hidden secret for me, I am certainly bisexual.
In another world, in another life, this is something I would have loved to have explored and better understood. I've always known, I would have crushes on both sexes as a teen lol and still do. I really regret not exploring this before committing myself to one person. I often let my mind wonder and think about what it would be like to be free and have a bit of money, not loads, just enough to explore life and feel some new experiences before this ends, and having an encounter with another woman is one of those things.
I'd never, ever give myself to one person ever ever again if I had a second chance.
Sadly I do not, and like all the hardships I endure, I accept that and take it all in my stride, soon I won't have to worry about any of it.
I just need to get my method sorted, I am so tired of living now, I feel so old inside my body. It's long past time I cut my soul free.
Maybe another me, living in a parallel universe, has made a better job of all this than this version of me.
It makes me feel a tiny bit better to get these things out into the open, this is the only place I feel safe talking about these things. I really have nowhere else. I am 100% isolated, all my friends deserted me while I was going through the acute phase of the benzo withdrawal, all there is in my life is my husband, who doesn't listen, my dog, who can't understand what I say, and this forum, where at least I can get some of this out.
This place has helped me put everything in order in my mind, and it does help now that I know I am not the only one who knows these things about me.
Thanks for listening, I am trying to get as much stuff off my heavy chest as I can before I finally leave this wretched place.
I guess I must hope nobody finds it, if they do, then they do.
I have always known this, but slowly others who know me have figured it out themselves.
This is the fact about my life I deny most of all, and that is how I never even thought about abusing drugs or alcohol before I moved into this shitty house with my husband.
Never, not once, I did weed and that was it ,the thought of taking over 60 over the counter codeine pain pills each day never even entered my head, let alone something as soul destroying as Benzos.
My brain was, and still is, trying to figure out ways to get out of this situation. I know realistically there is no way out other than CTB, and it's not the only reason by far, the main reason is the benzo withdrawal and my poor health and the level of pain I am in each day.
It's not that I don't care about him, I just hate the whole situation, I have never felt so stuck in all my life. It got worse after I married him.
I am so fed up with everything, he has tried to set up his own online business but he's not sold one single item. He will have to go back to work soon and that will make this much worse because he will start suspecting me of using drugs again.
I would LOVE to use drugs again, but not doing so makes sure I at least have a place to live, as much as I hate it here.
I told him the other day I had had enough and was 'considering leaving', little does he know what leaving really means.
My mum told me in no uncertain terms I cannot come back home, even if I wanted to leave, I have nowhere to go, this has always been the same story. I have no money to support myself and nowhere to go.
I hate where we live, I hate his attitude towards his own life, I hate our shitty house which I misguidedly spent my grandma's inheritance on. I wish I hadn't done that to be honest, I could have used that money to end this situation once and for all.
I think I used all those drugs etc to try and hide from the fact I hate this situation so much. I keep hoping something unforeseen will happen and take it out of my hands, ending this shit without me having to. Nah, I don't think actually, I know. I know this is the reason behind why I did this to myself
Now I don't even have the drugs to dull it anymore, I've turned into a very stony, stoic individual in response to two years of horrendous benzo withdrawal and to this situation, I know I am very resilient now, if you met me I would not come over as someone who is planning on CTB.
Now I am done with the hell of the acute phase of benzo withdrawal, where your brain is not able to comprehend what day it is, let alone how awful your life is, I am realizing that all the problems that drove me to use the stuff in the first place are still there.
I am still in exactly the same situation I was in before I ever took the stuff. I think it was this that drove me to do it too, I never did anything like it before.
Husband said 'you're scared to share your life with someone else', my internal reply was 'I am not scared, I am fed up of having to share my life with you, someone who does not give a shit about anything other than money and himself'.
He makes himself out to be innocent in all of this, but he hasn't got a fucking clue. He doesn't even know me, people here know me way better than he ever will.
I OD'ed once in late 2014 I think, and in the midst of me discharging myself from the hospital, I told myself the only way out of this situation would be in a body bag, I knew back then how this would end for me, one way or another, death is the only release for me now.
Oh, that and I have always struggled with my sexuality too, this is a real hidden secret for me, I am certainly bisexual.
In another world, in another life, this is something I would have loved to have explored and better understood. I've always known, I would have crushes on both sexes as a teen lol and still do. I really regret not exploring this before committing myself to one person. I often let my mind wonder and think about what it would be like to be free and have a bit of money, not loads, just enough to explore life and feel some new experiences before this ends, and having an encounter with another woman is one of those things.
I'd never, ever give myself to one person ever ever again if I had a second chance.
Sadly I do not, and like all the hardships I endure, I accept that and take it all in my stride, soon I won't have to worry about any of it.
I just need to get my method sorted, I am so tired of living now, I feel so old inside my body. It's long past time I cut my soul free.
Maybe another me, living in a parallel universe, has made a better job of all this than this version of me.
It makes me feel a tiny bit better to get these things out into the open, this is the only place I feel safe talking about these things. I really have nowhere else. I am 100% isolated, all my friends deserted me while I was going through the acute phase of the benzo withdrawal, all there is in my life is my husband, who doesn't listen, my dog, who can't understand what I say, and this forum, where at least I can get some of this out.
This place has helped me put everything in order in my mind, and it does help now that I know I am not the only one who knows these things about me.
Thanks for listening, I am trying to get as much stuff off my heavy chest as I can before I finally leave this wretched place.
