ready to go.

[jacrispy]

obviously none of us are in a good headspace if we're on a website looking for suicide methods, but I'm at my breaking point. spent time with an old friend over the weekend and he told me he's also extremely depressed. said he felt like there was a "dark cloud" following him everywhere he went, which sums up how I feel as well. nothing helps to relieve any of the mental anguish I'm in. friends, family, food, cats, dogs, a walk in the park. it's all so empty and soulless to me. I feel nothing. sleeping isn't even peaceful anymore because the thoughts from my daily life trickle into nightmares. not a single person I know is doing well. everyone is struggling. so what's the point of staying around just to suffer even longer?

 

[bluebus]

Hey man. I totally get how you're feeling. When you get into this mind space, there isn't much that can make you feel better. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Life can be so difficult and cruel, and you don't deserve to suffer like this. I also wanted to mention that I've seen you around a lot on this forum (mostly inert gas related), and you seem like a really cool, nice dude. I really am sorry about your situation, and I hope you can find peace. Best wishes always, bb

 

[Kerrtu]

obviously none of us are in a good headspace if we're on a website looking for suicide methods, but I'm at my breaking point. spent time with an old friend over the weekend and he told me he's also extremely depressed. said he felt like there was a "dark cloud" following him everywhere he went, which sums up how I feel as well. nothing helps to relieve any of the mental anguish I'm in. friends, family, food, cats, dogs, a walk in the park. it's all so empty and soulless to me. I feel nothing. sleeping isn't even peaceful anymore because the thoughts from my daily life trickle into nightmares. not a single person I know is doing well. everyone is struggling. so what's the point of staying around just to suffer even longer?

@jacrispy - I find your posts to be very clear and insightful. You're respectful of people here, you don't judge, you're helpful, and patient. If you ever want to chat, send me a message.

I remember a time I was inpatient and there was a guy who volunteered to come in and be with us - he was a former marine with PTSD and he had seen a LOT. I still remember his name, even after all of the ECT. He was a gentle giant, I very much enjoyed talking with him. I'm smiling to think of him, and I wish I could do something for you, anything really - to make you feel above the bottom even if only for a few minutes.

 

[Gaga786]

I'm sorry that you have to suffer so much. This world can be very cruel, and I totally understand how difficult and exhausting it is. I also feel in a similar way. I hope we can all find the peace that desire. Wishing you the best!

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's really understandable just wishing to leave as existing here certainly can be so torturous and tiresome, existing just leads to suffering and temporary sleep could never offer much relief for me as well, only permanent sleep could. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Minsu]

obviously none of us are in a good headspace if we're on a website looking for suicide methods, but I'm at my breaking point. spent time with an old friend over the weekend and he told me he's also extremely depressed. said he felt like there was a "dark cloud" following him everywhere he went, which sums up how I feel as well. nothing helps to relieve any of the mental anguish I'm in. friends, family, food, cats, dogs, a walk in the park. it's all so empty and soulless to me. I feel nothing. sleeping isn't even peaceful anymore because the thoughts from my daily life trickle into nightmares. not a single person I know is doing well. everyone is struggling. so what's the point of staying around just to suffer even longer?

I agree. Btw what's your method to go? Inert gas?

 

[jacrispy]

Hey man. I totally get how you're feeling. When you get into this mind space, there isn't much that can make you feel better. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Life can be so difficult and cruel, and you don't deserve to suffer like this. I also wanted to mention that I've seen you around a lot on this forum (mostly inert gas related), and you seem like a really cool, nice dude. I really am sorry about your situation, and I hope you can find peace. Best wishes always, bb

thank you for everything you said. you've got no idea how far being even the slightest bit kind goes for me these days. I hope you can find peace as well

@jacrispy - I find your posts to be very clear and insightful. You're respectful of people here, you don't judge, you're helpful, and patient. If you ever want to chat, send me a message.

I remember a time I was inpatient and there was a guy who volunteered to come in and be with us - he was a former marine with PTSD and he had seen a LOT. I still remember his name, even after all of the ECT. He was a gentle giant, I very much enjoyed talking with him. I'm smiling to think of him, and I wish I could do something for you, anything really - to make you feel above the bottom even if only for a few minutes.

I'd like to chat sometime, that would be nice. thank you, just want to help others that are struggling as well. it's usually the kindest people like the one you mentioned who go through the most. I'm glad a memory of him was able to make you smile. I'm sadly to the point where nothing really can be done. I've come to accept it

I'm sorry that you have to suffer so much. This world can be very cruel, and I totally understand how difficult and exhausting it is. I also feel in a similar way. I hope we can all find the peace that desire. Wishing you the best!

the world is certainly a fucked up place, we just find ways to distract ourselves from it. I wish you the best as well

I agree. Btw what's your method to go? Inert gas?

yeah, that's what I was planning on. otherwise it'll be hanging or SN

 

[AnonGermany]

thank you for everything you said. you've got no idea how far being even the slightest bit kind goes for me these days. I hope you can find peace as well

I'd like to chat sometime, that would be nice. thank you, just want to help others that are struggling as well. it's usually the kindest people like the one you mentioned who go through the most. I'm glad a memory of him was able to make you smile. I'm sadly to the point where nothing really can be done. I've come to accept it

the world is certainly a fucked up place, we just find ways to distract ourselves from it. I wish you the best as well

yeah, that's what I was planning on. otherwise it'll be hanging or SN

Speaking of distractions... man your avatar cracks me up. My favorite picture of sal. I giggle everytime i see one of your posts.

 

[jacrispy]

Speaking of distractions... man your avatar cracks me up. My favorite picture of sal. I giggle everytime i see one of your posts.

you're the first person to recognize where that's from, thought his nickname was the perfect alias for this site. a little humor sprinkled in with the morbidity. love that it makes you giggle

 

[outrider567]

obviously none of us are in a good headspace if we're on a website looking for suicide methods, but I'm at my breaking point. spent time with an old friend over the weekend and he told me he's also extremely depressed. said he felt like there was a "dark cloud" following him everywhere he went, which sums up how I feel as well. nothing helps to relieve any of the mental anguish I'm in. friends, family, food, cats, dogs, a walk in the park. it's all so empty and soulless to me. I feel nothing. sleeping isn't even peaceful anymore because the thoughts from my daily life trickle into nightmares. not a single person I know is doing well. everyone is struggling. so what's the point of staying around just to suffer even longer?

Walked on the beach just now, green water, blue skies, but the 'dark cloud' over me, and the 'mental anguish' inside me, are there more than ever.... She used to love the ocean, had her own sailboat, loved life....but she's dead....and I've been nearly dead myself ever since....life is pointless

 

[karel1987]

Read a lot of your postings about the rebreather. Thanks for your testing and communicate it. I know how you feel

 

[jacrispy]

Walked on the beach just now, green water, blue skies, but the 'dark cloud' over me, and the 'mental anguish' inside me, are there more than ever.... She used to love the ocean, had her own sailboat, loved life....but she's dead....and I've been nearly dead myself ever since....life is pointless

this is heartbreaking to read. I'm not sure who you've lost but it's terrible that it happened. there's no worse pain out there

Read a lot of your postings about the rebreather. Thanks for your testing and communicate it. I know how you feel

thank you for your kind words, sorry that you feel any similarities to this pain

 

[karel1987]

Are you gonna use the rebreather?

 

[jacrispy]

Are you gonna use the rebreather?

planning on it

 

[grace.michaels.2]

obviously none of us are in a good headspace if we're on a website looking for suicide methods, but I'm at my breaking point. spent time with an old friend over the weekend and he told me he's also extremely depressed. said he felt like there was a "dark cloud" following him everywhere he went, which sums up how I feel as well. nothing helps to relieve any of the mental anguish I'm in. friends, family, food, cats, dogs, a walk in the park. it's all so empty and soulless to me. I feel nothing. sleeping isn't even peaceful anymore because the thoughts from my daily life trickle into nightmares. not a single person I know is doing well. everyone is struggling. so what's the point of staying around just to suffer even longer?

I feel you so much. What's more, it seems all that was good is behind us, and all that's coming is loss. Looking back, I think I've felt this all my life, to some degree. It's just that the world becomes faster, I become older and people are disappearing.

The point is what we make of it. But I feel I've tried so hard all my life, only to feel just as vulnerable, just as unsafe, just as alone, with more responsibility weight than ever. I feel once you're on your own, you need to struggle all your life, just to stay afloat. Because I could never feel satisfied in my own skin. And because everything is changing and everyone is fighting for their survival.

So what difference does the point I'm making, make? World leaders waste millions of lives in selfish wars, the world is a cruel place and I don't see any point in surviving, either.

Sending you peaceful and comforting thoughts.

 

[jacrispy]

I feel you so much. What's more, it seems all that was good is behind us, and all that's coming is loss. Looking back, I think I've felt this all my life, to some degree. It's just that the world becomes faster, I become older and people are disappearing.

The point is what we make of it. But I feel I've tried so hard all my life, only to feel just as vulnerable, just as unsafe, just as alone, with more responsibility weight than ever. I feel once you're on your own, you need to struggle all your life, just to stay afloat. Because I could never feel satisfied in my own skin. And because everything is changing and everyone is fighting for their survival.

So what difference does the point I'm making, make? World leaders waste millions of lives in selfish wars, the world is a cruel place and I don't see any point in surviving, either.

Sending you peaceful and comforting thoughts.

the fact is there are 8 billion of us, not everyone is going to be able to make something great out of their lives. it's a sad truth unfortunately. sometimes no matter how hard you try, you're always going to be one of many who struggles. the effort to stay afloat is pointless, or so it feels. it's all so we can grow old and have our bodies slowly shut down and live our lives without the people closest to us, who will inevitably pass away or leave us willingly. it's very depressing in the grand scheme of things. wishing you the best as well

 

[Lost Magic]

I take it you have worked out everything with your Rebreather and got a good seal and stuff? Anyway, good luck on your journey. Gonna miss you, man! You helped this community a lot!

 

[jacrispy]

I take it you have worked out everything with your Rebreather and got a good seal and stuff? Anyway, good luck on your journey. Gonna miss you, man! You helped this community a lot!

I emailed Richard a few times and haven't had the chance to test it since hearing back from him, have to wait for more nitrogen to arrive. did a test of blowing oxygen into it and then waiting for it to purge from the release valve and that seems to be where I went wrong before. you need to wait a few minutes after the bag is inflated and then the oxygen that's left in it will escape. also going to attach a second cartridge once the first empties into the bag as he suggested. that should resolve everything. I'll miss all of you too

 

[hopeisdead]

obviously none of us are in a good headspace if we're on a website looking for suicide methods, but I'm at my breaking point. spent time with an old friend over the weekend and he told me he's also extremely depressed. said he felt like there was a "dark cloud" following him everywhere he went, which sums up how I feel as well. nothing helps to relieve any of the mental anguish I'm in. friends, family, food, cats, dogs, a walk in the park. it's all so empty and soulless to me. I feel nothing. sleeping isn't even peaceful anymore because the thoughts from my daily life trickle into nightmares. not a single person I know is doing well. everyone is struggling. so what's the point of staying around just to suffer even longer?

I feel the exact same way. It's horrific.

 

[TheNihilisticViking]

I struggle daily with my mental health problems (depression, anxiety/social anxiety, OCD and suicidal ideation) and they all feed off of each other. Depression and anxiety tend to come as a pair and I've had those since I was a teenager (14/15/16-ish) and now I'm in my late 20s, so it's been well over a decade and things have progressively got worse year in/year out. I began to develop OCD in my late teens (around 16/17) and quite honestly my OCD drives me nuts. Because I have this compulsion to check doors, windows, taps and other things, etc. a few times each and every day and this is why I don't like getting out of bed sometimes because I can just avoid some of these things by just staying in bed. Added into the mix, I also have my Irritable Bowel Syndrome which gives me alternating diarrhoea and constipation, with occasional vomiting when things get really bad (when I'm severely anxious and stressed). All of these things mixed together makes me feel suicidal and I'm suffering daily. When it comes to my quality of life, it is not at the very bottom, but out of 10 (with 10 being the best), I'd probably rate it around a 3 or so, so quite low in the grand scheme of things. I can highly relate to most of your posts (but in my own way).

Also, I barely leave home and I'm pretty much doing the same thing almost everyday and I haven't had a proper job -yet- and I can't drive either. I honestly feel like life is just passing me by, quite literally and this causes me to feel quite ashamed of my life and myself and I would rather cease to exist because of it. I also struggle to look after my hygiene and stuff, thus bathing and/or showering becomes an unwanted task and I've went weeks and months without bathing and/or showering in times of severe depression and anxiety and it's the same when it comes to brushing my teeth. Now as a result of this, I have to be prompted, told and advised (by family members) to look after myself basically. This isn't living, it's basically just existing and what am I existing for? Other people... and I don't understand the logic behind it... I really don't. I honestly would rather cease to exist than have to deal with this for another few more decades. I know I'm not going to fully recover and people telling me otherwise are sugar coating stuff and I'm not a fan of sugar coating. Also, I feel like a burden on society because I'm claiming disability income in UK and the stigma attached to that also makes me feel worse, too.

You're not alone mate!

 

[outrider567]

this is heartbreaking to read. I'm not sure who you've lost but it's terrible that it happened. there's no worse pain out there

thank you for your kind words, sorry that you feel any similarities to this pain

Thanks jacrispy, it was my lifetime companion and girlfriend of 35 years

 

[MBG]

the fact is there are 8 billion of us, not everyone is going to be able to make something great out of their lives. it's a sad truth unfortunately. sometimes no matter how hard you try, you're always going to be one of many who struggles. the effort to stay afloat is pointless, or so it feels. it's all so we can grow old and have our bodies slowly shut down and live our lives without the people closest to us, who will inevitably pass away or leave us willingly. it's very depressing in the grand scheme of things. wishing you the best as well

Maybe we're here in life to help keep each other afloat? When we die that's one less pair of legs kicking to keep our community afloat.

First we're dependent kids relying upon our parents. Next we're adults helping our kids and then our parents. Last we're elderly depending on our kids. If anyone bows out all the rest suffer — and that's not even talking about the emotional loss….

Best to pull your weight in the eternal struggle as long as you are able. JMO

 

[SVEN]

You have helped and encouraged many, when it's your time to find rest just know that you have touched the lives of others in despair and were appreciated. What more could any of us do.
Go well and peacefully on to your rest when you are ready, friends you never met will miss you.