Ready to go not ready to hurt those I love

[Toomanyconnections]

I have had a lot of time to think about how I want to go. A few attempts with pills and alcohol only left me with a hangover and a worse off day. I remember in rehab talking with a suicidal ex emt about potassium injection as a peaceful way to go mixed with my neighbor who jumped off his 3 story building still breathing after the attempt.

I feel what is holding me back is my family, and few friends I care about. I don't feel I am living for myself anymore, I have given up on that and yet I don't want to resent the ones I care about. I dream of being robbed or mugged and being shot as I feel that would be easier to take in and less traumatic compared to my own choice.

Honestly my body will eventually do it for me if my doctors are correct, best case I live and still want to end with a lesser issue. I still can't get past the hurdle of traumatizing those in my life. I dont mean to ramble and i'm hoping this is a place I can find a way past this journey. I feel at peace with my decision but not if it will hurt those I care about.

I stopped taking my medication about a year ago as I always felt like a zombie and always disoriented. It helped my symptoms but felt like I was day dreaming most of the time if that makes sense. I also stopped hoping it would help the ones in my life realize I was ready to just stop existing.

I find myself day dreaming about just closing my eyes and going into blackness or nothingness. I don't mean to ramble and if this breaks any rules I apologize.

 

[BPD Barbie]

It's very hard when there are people you care about greatly. Of course you don't want to hurt or upset them, that'd understandable. I'm in a similar position, but it's just one person in particular I don't want to upset. It's hard, I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't sadly. Just know you're not alone with this feeling.

 

[tidalwxves]

I have had a lot of time to think about how I want to go. A few attempts with pills and alcohol only left me with a hangover and a worse off day. I remember in rehab talking with a suicidal ex emt about potassium injection as a peaceful way to go mixed with my neighbor who jumped off his 3 story building still breathing after the attempt.

I feel what is holding me back is my family, and few friends I care about. I don't feel I am living for myself anymore, I have given up on that and yet I don't want to resent the ones I care about. I dream of being robbed or mugged and being shot as I feel that would be easier to take in and less traumatic compared to my own choice.

Honestly my body will eventually do it for me if my doctors are correct, best case I live and still want to end with a lesser issue. I still can't get past the hurdle of traumatizinIfg those in my life. I dont mean to ramble and i'm hoping this is a place I can find a way past this journey. I feel at peace with my decision but not if it will hurt those I care about.

I stopped taking my medication about a year ago as I always felt like a zombie and always disoriented. It helped my symptoms but felt like I was day dreaming most of the time if that makes sense. I also stopped hoping it would help the ones in my life realize I was ready to just stop existing.

I find myself day dreaming about just closing my eyes and going into blackness or nothingness. I don't mean to ramble and if this breaks any rules I apologize.

I'm curious, what do you mean your body will do it evetually?
Do you have a terminal illness? If so, what's the timeline? Depending on the timeline maybe it would be worth it to find something to help you cope until the illness takes you beacuse natural deaths are easier for loved ones to process.

 

[Toomanyconnections]

It's very hard when there are people you care about greatly. Of course you don't want to hurt or upset them, that'd understandable. I'm in a similar position, but it's just one person in particular I don't want to upset. It's hard, I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't sadly. Just know you're not alone with this feeling.

It helps knowing i'm not alone in the sentiment. I feel it's a roadblock which feels awful to compare them to such a thing.

I'm curious, what do you mean your body will do it evetually?
Do you have a terminal illness? If so, what's the timeline?

ALS, I am younger to have it by about 6 years so they are ruling out similar conditions first. I apologize if I came off as if it was certain.
I also should clarify I felt this way before the doctors and not sure I should have included it. I just feel it's possible my body put a timer on it before I could act.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I feel you. My mom is the only reason I'm still here. I could care less about living for myself. Nothing makes me happy. I just keep existing in misery so she won't suffer but it's getting ever closer to the fact I simply cannot keep living on misery for her.

 

[Just Breathe]

My reason exactly. Both parents are still living, and I'm the only one who lives near my mom. She needs help with so many things, and I don't want her to hurt because of me. I have grown kids, but also a 9 year old. It's hard to exist for others only.

 

[Squiddy]

I know how you feel. I don't want to hurt my family or friends either so I'm currently living for them

 

[Lilacmoon]

I was like that for a while. But I won't force them to be selfish in forcing me to live and suffer. I'll take on the burden of being selfish and go on ahead. Tired of living for others. They'll be fine in the long run anyways.

 

[Ghost2211]

ALS, I am younger to have it by about 6 years so they are ruling out similar conditions first. I apologize if I came off as if it was certain.
I also should clarify I felt this way before the doctors and not sure I should have included it. I just feel it's possible my body put a timer on it before I could act.

Normally I would be more optimistic, but if you are facing ALS I'll be more up front. I truly hope in the process of ruling out other ailments they find the problem to be something else. If you are facing ALS I'm sure you've already done the reading on what that consists of. Until you know for sure take a few breaths and find some yummy snacks to brighten your day. If that is the case in the end only you can know if it's worth enduring that end for the sake of others. Sending you many hugs and love.