Ready to go, fiancée is telling me to go to ER and get put on an antidepressant

[thenautiluscog]

Hello all.

I think this will be my first and last post here. Im a 39/yo male if it matters. I'm all ready to go (exit bag, inert gas method). I've been lurking here for a while but just wanted to say hello and goodbye. I could have probably reached out but generally haven't been able to due to crippling social anxiety.

My fiancée just asked me for my gun clips because she knows I'm suicidal. Kinda hilarious considering I would never think of leaving such a mess for her to deal with. Nah I'll just pack my gear in my car and hit the road when I'm ready, find a quiet spot, write my shitty goodbyes, and go to sleep. I didn't give her my gun clips and she didn't fight me much on that. Just a 30 second conversation. Over and done without much fuss. That's how much care people have truly shown me over the years HA! Wouldn't have mattered anyway. Thanks for your yawn-inducing attempt at giving a shit. I love you too! Sad cringe into ash.

Life is absolute torture for me and always has been. I've had it.

I don't even think I should bore anyone with my pathetic backstory. It would suffice to say that I have avoidant/borderline mixed personality and it is eating my soul alive. I live in perpetual hell and keep getting mixed up in relationships with people who use me for their own gain and I have no ability to say what I need or tell people no. Consequently I'm ignored. All I wanted was love and passion, and I have plenty to give but no one to receive/reinforce it. I don't enjoy anything anymore. Every day is a slog and I come home to someone who can't condescend to be with me on any level beyond platitudes. This has happened to me before in a previous marriage and it destroyed my life many times over due to my repeated doubling down and remaining loyal to someone who didn't give a fuck about me, had children I knew for a fact we weren't ready for, got divorced, etc. The destruction and humiliation continues. My fiancée only needs me to help her get her health problems under control enough to take care of herself and she'll leave too. I'm sure of it. People seem to only pretend to love to get whatever the hell it is they want. I hate it and I want out. The more I go along the more I think my insanity/avoidance is more understandable than the constant arrogance and slap fighting humans are so fond of engaging in.

She laid not a single hand in care to me this evening. Then gave me a vitamin D pill and a Claritin before bed. Man this just gets funnier and funnier. She wants me to go to the hospital. Nah I'm good. I've been there for her. All she can seem to say is "go get out in a cage for a few weeks and get some pills." Nah, I'm good.

Cheers to you all and hope you all find that reason to keep going. I've lost my fight. Luckily I believe, due to my psychedelic experiences, that the other side is more beautiful than this awful place. I believe that suicide is THE way out of the karmic wheel. It's the ultimate freedom, the most insanely brave choice you can make in this barren universe. In my twisted head it's the only freedom we truly have as conscious beings who have screwed each other over so bad for table scraps. I want to be free so badly I can't stand it. I'm probably wrong and I'm just entering a black sea of nothing, but one can hope eh? Also what's so bad about that abyss anyway? Doesn't do us much good (hope) in my experience but getting rid of that nagging hope is nearly impossible, I guess.

"No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death." —William Burroughs

(Applying the meaning of this quote to the suicidal context is absolutely hilarious to me)

-thenautiluscog

 

[Obliviate]

Hi, welcome! I totally understand your struggles, my life too has just been filled with abuse and torture, people taking advantage of me while all I wanted was to spread kindness and for everyone to be nice to one another. That's until I grew up and realized just how evil humans are. I went from a sweet innocent girl who just wanted to love to being cold, distant, emotionally unavailable after people constantly stepped on me but I did learn to say "no" and stand up/fight for myself. I still have a good heart, it's just less accessible and guarded.

I'm glad the inert gas setup works for you, sadly it did not work for me.

I wish you peace and freedom

Also I do believe in the afterlife/spiritual realm

I do not believe in the theory of nonexistence

See you on the other side

"Live Free or Die"

 

[chloramine]

I'm sorry you've been stuck in those cycles. Being alone like that hurts so much. If you change your mind or if your method doesn't work this community will still be here if you need it.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Going to the hospital and anti-depressants are the go to default advice everyone gets. Those same people wouldn't take that advice seriously if they were in our position. No one can truly understand the extent of our suffering.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me nothingness sounds ideal, that's what I personally hope for and believe lies awaiting for us after we leave this world, but still I hope that you find what you wish there to be after this. Of course suicide is the ultimate freedom, that is undeniable as it's the one way to gain control over this existence that we never asked for, and it's the only thing that comforts me, the thought of being completely unaware of this hellish world. Existing certainly is torture and suicide has always appealed to me as it's the way to solve all problems and prevent unnecessary suffering.

It's certainly true that other people very often just make things worse and create more harm, I really do think that humans are responsible for so much of the torment that sadly exists here and this is just the reality. You just cannot really trust people and so many only act in a way that just benefits them, not caring if they hurt others. But I hope that you eventually find freedom from this cruel world as it really sounds like you have suffered a lot.