Reading about suicide calms me down

[Itsjustme21]

I was way more depressed a few years ago. I was very suicidal and was always looking online for ways to go out. Also always wanted to get high and trying to find a new drug to try.

But these days it's far from that bad, and I feel way more tense. It's like my body feels way worse than that period. And my brain is also not being great at handling the situation. I feel suicidal but unlike then, I am pretty sure I wont do it. Now that I am reading these posts here and scrolling through the telegram chat, I feel so much calmer. Idk why. Maybe because it's nice to see there's a way out. Although I'd never do that to my gf.

 

[JustABunchOfAtoms]

I'm the opposite. Rn I want someone to give me a method. When I hear about people CTBing I feel jealous

 

[Itsjustme21]

But doesn't reading about methods and knowing what's possible calm you down? Because that was also the case when I really wanted to die. Sadly this forum didn't exist back then.

 

[JustABunchOfAtoms]

Kind of. Knowing I have methods now is good but I'm stuck in hospital. I might have the chance to ctb on boxing day but there's a chance that I won't

 

[DeathBySuicide]

Sometimes I'm a bit jealous when reading posts from dead users who have successfully CTB'd, sometimes I feel calm like you do because I know I have an entire website full of info on how to CTB, but I usually feel sad because so many people are in so much pain. I wish no one would have to suffer like this

 

[Icunurse]

I feel like I'm about to burst at times... that I can't live with the anguish and pain inside me... and just creeping and reading here makes me feel at home- that my thoughts are ok.. I'm scared to post though

 

[Itsjustme21]

Reading posts here makes me sad too. But for some reason it's better than the extreme tension that I fusually feel. And at least I know those people wanted it themselves. And it indeed feels like home, or something.

@JustABunchOfAtoms idk how to respond to profile posts...

 

[SanJunipero1]

It calms me too. I've had two unsuccessful attempts now so don't think I can ever go through with it sadly but the fantasy of deciding my own fate and technically being able to leave whenever I want is soothing.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

That's because suicidality is a coping mechanism. Its a way of bringing life back under control. Sometimes the comfort or solace you get from thinking about suicide can be enough.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Years ago, after I became ill and everything collapsed, I was left trapped in the house. I was suffering from extreme anxiety and suicidal ideation. As soon as I was out of bed, I'd turn on the tablet and search the web for everything I could find on suicide. Methods, resources, contacts, afterlife theories, mediums (media?), philosophical issues, publications. I would research all day for around 8 hours a day, every day. I'd eat lunch with one hand whilst reading with the other. All the time, going through my mind was the mantra "There must be a way..."
This went on for months, maybe up to a whole year. The idea that I've consumed everything on the internet about the issue seems absurd. But I came around to starting from the beginning again at least three times.
So that was extreme ideation. An addiction and an obsession. Why? Because I had nothing else. I'd been left there alone, pressured by my siblings and the MH people, and I was capable of little else. In a way, it was a (very) poorly adapted coping mechanism; a focus for my OCD shone through the prism of desperation.
But when there is only one deal on the table, you'll take it and play it out, even if it is shit.
Eventually I came here. Then I consumed everything on this website at the time. Every single thread and post that I felt was relevant, all the way through the archive.
Here is thing: it actually helped me focus, and without it I'd have been a junkie without his fix, shuffling around the house muttering to myself in fear. It wasn't a good thing, but as twisted as it sounds it did actually help me focus and stay safe. As if the more I read about the matter, the more I was educated on the potential realities, the less likely I was to act on it.
After I moved house, I began posting more on here, barely studying methods even though I was in much worse physical condition by this stage. That interaction shifted my focus away from the obsessive ideation completely.

 

[drwt]