Rant

[real human being]

So, I'm currently doing a cybersecurity bootcamp to hopefully get a job as a security analyst or something similar, but long story short I am doing pretty badly on my studies and I don't really have much motivation for cybersecurity, I just decided to do this course because I know it's better than shitty minimum wage jobs. Looking at the course of my life, it has consistently been a succession of failures and disappointments, which I can try to blame on some external factors, but which I know are a direct result of my lack of motivation, of my laziness, of my neglectfulness, of my depression, whatever you want to call it. So, I think to myself, why am I like this, you know? Why do I have no motivation to do anything, why did I fail high school, fail university, fail at practically at any personal goal that I ever wanted to achieve? I guess I just don't care, I just can't bring myself to care, the negative motivation of failure certainly makes me fearful and anxious but it seems that no matter how fearful and anxious I get, it doesn't spring me to action, maybe it makes it even harder. So earlier today I was thinking about what I'd like to do, if there's anything I want to achieve, anything I am passionate about, anything the pursuit of which would come naturally to me, because I just really like it, or there is something I really want. I was really thinking about it, really trying to figure it out, and like always there's just nothing, there is just genuinely absolutely nothing I am truly passionate about, nothing I want, nothing that feels to me to be worth living for, and despite that feeling, despite the emptiness, I still try go forward, but what am I going forward for? Just for the sake of it, just to try avoid the grimness of despair, however unsuccessfully, but I don't know if I can continue to try to avoid it for much longer. Being told by everyone since I was young that I am smart and talented, and just need to apply myself, just makes it worse. I try. All my life I have really tried, or at least really tried to try, but I can't, I don't believe it's my fault if I don't have it in me. I know it's not my fault, but I hate myself, and I hate everyone else too. I have become, on top of being depressed, an exceptionally anxious and sometimes angry person. The memories and thoughts never stop. I scream involuntarily at random. I really can't control it, or at least it's very hard. My mind is just constantly assaulted by these little traumas that I have accumulated over years and years. I don't think anyone understands what it's like, I don't think I can explain it. The most productive period of my life was a few months ago when I was working in customer support for a bit over minimum wage. Worked there for almost half a year. I guess being in a physical space where I'm supposed to do something + the job being very active + really not wanting to fail again made me functional for those 6 months. It was a tough job, calls nonstop for 8-9 hours a day, 45 minutes of break a day, max 1 minute break between calls (they literally monitored us, technically the limit is 45 seconds), customers yelling at you and asking you to do things that you can't do, a lot of metrics that we need to fulfill in order to get bonuses so the wage is a bit less shitty, very stressful, lots of people quit early on, but like I said I think the fact that I was constantly active helped me stay functional in a way, but I don't want to do that again, no no no, I don't want my life to just be that forever, fuck that. Anyway, there was also a sales element to that job and I was pretty good at selling add-ons to people so I decided why not go into sales, seemed like a natural move from customer support into something more decent with a higher salary, so I got a job after one interview on the spot selling health products to fat people and it seemed kind of scummy to me, lots of playing on people's emotions, so I quit after a few days, I knew I couldn't do that, so I went to a few more interviews and got 3 job offers, one of which had potential for a pretty high salary, I felt really happy about landing it, it was selling bureaucratic services to people who were interested in immigration to the US. But that job turned out to be extremely scummy. All the company did was help people apply for a green visa which is just a lottery to get into the USA, which is something people can easily do for free, then it would try to upsell them on other stuff like english courses and interview prep courses, and it preyed on people from third world countries who were generally pretty poor. There were a lot of negative reviews of them online as well. I knew I couldn't do it. I just knew I couldn't. I quit. I got really disenchanted with sales. There's so much manipulation and scumminess in it, I just realized it's not something I can do. I also really didn't want to get another shitty customer support job or something similar and be treated like shit earning barely enough to survive till I die, or at best become the manager at a place like that, so I decided ok let's do a cybersecurity bootcamp, it's something a lot of people in Israel do and if all goes well I can get a nice job in tech which should be nicer. That logic makes sense to me and yet sitting at home I can't make myself study. I can't do anything. The anxiety is constant, the depression is constant. I have been suicidal since I was 15 or 16 I think, maybe even earlier. If killing myself wasn't so hard I'd do it by now. There's just no clear point in going forward, because, like I already said, there's nothing I'm passionate, nothing I really want, I'm just going through the motions somehow. a husk of a person, a sad, anxious, angry husk. All I do is hurt myself and the people around me. Upon recounting, I realize it's just such a sad, pathetic life. I don't know now what to do. I really don't know what to do and I've thought about it a lot. I just want to die.