Discussion (rant) I never understood people who say "love yourself before you love others"

[Not_A_Seagull]

It never made sense to me because those people often had a supportive family and friends, and often times whenever they "fall down" they have a "Saftey net", unlike other people who do not have a supportive friend group, if any at all, and/or a supportive family, and if your family never loved you in the first place it will be hard as fuck to love yourself since you never learnt it in the first place.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Hard agree. Tbh you can love yourself and people will still say this, because you prioritise someone else than yourself.

If I love the crap out of someone that's up to me lol.

 

[Not_A_Seagull]

Hard agree.

Yea ik people that say this and often they have very supportive parents and a freind group
its often easier to love yourself when people give you love, rather than if people polarize you your whole life, which will make you think you arent worthy of love

 

[Eternal🌈Rainbow]

It never made sense to me because those people often had a supportive family and friends, and often times whenever they "fall down" they have a "Saftey net", unlike other people who do not have a supportive friend group, if any at all, and/or a supportive family, and if your family never loved you in the first place it will be hard as fuck to love yourself since you never learnt it in the first place.

Exactly. I think those people just feel good and that's it, without going further analysing why they feel that way (good). I mean, they don't start thinking "Oh let's see, I feel good because I have support, care, love and appreciation from these people; they love me, so I feel loved, and so I feel good because of that". They JUST feel fine, and they may believe it's only due to them, "because they love themselves". And here comes one of the biggest platitudes then: "If I can do it (love myself in this case), you can too!" And the cycle begins again.

I've never seen or met a person who felt good, happy (at peace with themselves) that didn't have a supportive family and/or friends, and fulfilling relationships with others. But they don't see it, don't acknowledge it and don't think about it, they just feel it. And they may believe that good feeling is emanating from them, the others don't have anything to do with it. So wrong.

It's something that really bothers me, how they are so oblivious to how positively influenced they are by external love. And that you can't love yourself without being loved by others, that's pure and true psychology. "You don't exist unless you're seen by others". We're human, we're social, we need love.

 

[Cosmic dust]

Exactly. I think those people just feel good and that's it, without going further analysing why they feel that way (good). I mean, they don't start thinking "Oh let's see, I feel good because I have support, care, love and appreciation from these people; they love me, so I feel loved, and so I feel good because of that". They JUST feel fine, and they may believe it's only due to them, "because they love themselves". And here comes one of the biggest platitudes then: "If I can do it (love myself in this case), you can too!" And the cycle begins again.

I've never seen or met a person who felt good, happy (at peace with themselves) that didn't have a supportive family and/or friends, and fulfilling relationships with others. But they don't see it, don't acknowledge it and don't think about it, they just feel it. And they may believe that good feeling is emanating from them, the others don't have anything to do with it. So wrong.

It's something that really bothers me, how they are so oblivious to how positively influenced they are by external love. And that you can't love yourself without being loved by others, that's pure and true psychology. "You don't exist unless you're seen by others". We're human, we're social, we need love.

While I agree somewhat with you, about people being oblivious about all the good things that went "right" in their lives and that makes them feel good, I think I am starting to understand the "love yourself" cliche. I mean, how many times I didn't I try to find meaning in my life in others, hated myself for my failures, expected too much from other people and created unhealthy obsessions, even? All of these things never end well.

I don't think this love yourself stuff is so much about having a completely fulfilled life without positive human contact or material resources, but about not creating unhealty emotional dependencies on other poeple, not hating and punishing yourself for your failures (its okay), being able to stay alone with your toughts and still feel fine, and being able to be the protagonist of your own life.

While a support network makes a hell of a difference, I don't think anyone is ever going to save us. And people are overrated.

 

[rancidJLJL]

The way I think of it, its more to protect your loved ones in case you ctb and also it'll be more difficult to ctb if someone you love is there trying to talk you out of it.

 

[Niko66]

While I agree somewhat with you, about people being oblivious about all the good things that went "right" in their lives and that makes them feel good, I think I am starting to understand the "love yourself" cliche. I mean, how many times I didn't I try to find meaning in my life in others, hated myself for my failures, expected too much from other people and created unhealthy obsessions, even? All of these things never end well.

I don't think this love yourself stuff is so much about having a completely fulfilled life without positive human contact or material resources, but about not creating unhealty emotional dependencies on other poeple, not hating and punishing yourself for your failures (its okay), being able to stay alone with your toughts and still feel fine, and being able to be the protagonist of your own life.

While a support network makes a hell of a difference, I don't think anyone is ever going to save us. And people are overrated.

I essentially agree with both you, but I guess love your self *"first"* is what makes it a really bad cliche. The behaviors you speak of are often the result of precisely of an abusive uncaring, neglectful and overall emotionally and physically unsafe environment in which one grew up in.

I think trying to be wary of becoming obsessively and unhealthily dependent on others is a good thing to keep in mind. But external love is essential for a healthy human being.

 

[Foresight]

I agree. It's a feedback loop. If you are loved you feel lovable. If you have no outside love coming in it becomes blurry and unsure. Much of our understanding and feelings about ourselves come through our interactions.

 

[Life_and_Death]

its someone loving me that taught me to love myself....but hes gone so idc anymore
i honestly started loving myself...

 

[waitingforrest]

''safety nets'' are really only effective if there are supportive people already. Otherwise it is just another dumb ctb prevention method. I despise it when mental health professionals say they are my support group...like no, you are just doing your job to get paid. I don't want to have to pay just so someone could give a flying f**k.

Safety net is like a buzzword now. The most help we get is writing some stupid safety plan that will be tossed out right after.

People in general can't seem to wrap their head around the idea that that someone can have no one, no family, no friends, no one that would notice if they dissapeared. Or that just because someone isn't physically alone or famililess means they automatically have a support group.

Some family members are more like strangers and don't give a s**t. Some fairweather friends will ditch you as soon as you aren't the fun person anymore. Like they only stay as long as you pretend everything is fine.

The only time I got attention growing up was through pain. And now I associate love and validation with pain. So I agree with you. Some of us have had bad teachers when it comes to love.

 

[Pluto]

I agree that the 'love yourself' thing doesn't make sense. I'm sure that there's something wrong with me since I was never loved since childhood, but still. To me, love is about others, even if it's petting a cat as I did yesterday. :)

One pragmatic thing I can add is that it is advisable to have your inner space as 'non-toxic' as possible. Thoughts that beat yourself up or predict doom are causing harm, and the root of the problem needs to be uncovered.