Venting Rant about SI

[kinderbueno]

Why is it that whenever I make a serious attempt at suicide my survival instinct kicks in? I don't need it right now, I wish I could turn it off. It has stopped me from attempting in the past, for example when I was about to jump out of a window (not a great method ik) a couple years ago and my SI kicked in and I just backed away in fear even though I'd been planning it for so long. My first attempt at suicide involved me trying to slit my wrists open (again, very bad method but I didn't know much about effective methods back then so don't judge), and I just froze. The blade was literally on my wrists and this sounds dumb but I was LITERALLY unable to move my hand down. I was just sitting there shaking in fear with a blade to my wrist unable to move and after a few minutes I realised I couldn't do it so I backed out. Why does SI make me scared even when deep down I'm not scared of death, it's so annoying