sleepy10
Member
- Nov 24, 2023
- 38
Im getting to the point in this journey of mine where i don't even remember what happiness feels like its like looking at a photo of a relative who has passed on and you don't really remember their voice. its almost midnight where im at and i can't sleep. Sleep is the only thing i have left that i look forward to because at least when im asleep i don't feel anything but i am worried that the depression has seeped into my dreams. The other night i had a dream and it was actually a pretty good dream but in the dream i remember thinking this isn't real i am depressed and when i wake up this is going to be bad and my depressed dream self was right. i woke up more depressed. it's like id rather have a horrific dream than a good dream. part of me hopes to have a dream where i fall off a building because i heard you can actually die in those kinds of dreams. Its so weird too because as much as i think about death and ending my life im to nervous to do it myself so much of me believes it would be hard to be in a hell much worse than what i am going through right now but ive been taught my whole life that there is. I'm just tired of fighting i have been fighting for 28 freaking years, never really did hard drugs, i stayed out of getting into trouble shoot i even stared a whole business based on helping people and you know the thanks i get, a manic episode that lands me into a hospital and on that journey also end up losing my business, friends, "family", home and even my handsome little pup you tell me how that's right? But the universe/God can do whatever without punishment its not right and i will never ever understand?! going to that hospital and getting putt into the system has destroyed any possibility of a future i could ever have. i so badly want to ctb but i am truly afraid that once i get off the bus i won't be greeted by loved ones or peace but only more pain and suffering. i just want it all to be over i just want to put the gun to my head pull the trigger and simply never wake up just cease to exist. yeah i would like to see a few people on the other side but even if i met God/Jesus i feel like all id want to to is slap them in the face and just say what the actual F*** was that S*** how can you allow people to suffer like this how can you rip everything good away from them? how can you allow all of this to happen and i am sorry but the free will excuse is pure freaking bull crap because when i was in my manic state nothing i did or said was within my control but now that im back "in my right mind" and want to ctb that's grounds enough to send me to hell? are you freaking kidding me?! im so mad and angry at God i could get sick. i honestly view God as the popular kid in high school who could do and say whatever they wanted and could make the avg students' lives hell by a snap of a finger. There was a point in my life where i had that kind of "power" over people and even to those who genuinely deserved it i didn't hurt them. All i wanted in my life was to be a great wife and a great mother i wanted to be kind to people and be a light in this world with so much pain and suffering, maybe it's good im going through this that way i don't have to bring children in this world who could possibly face the same life sentence I'm facing right now. But seriously if i ctb soon and i meet God i really might just hit the guy because WTF?! or like i think of just randome weather crap that kill people like tornados, tsunamis ect those are all "Acts of God' so is God just chilling up there like you know what would be entertaining today a big freaking title wave that'll destroy a few hundred families, yeah that be really cool. and then i even think of things like chickens, we as humans eat chickens, right? but don't chickens have a soul too and we murder them but isent murder a sin? but maybe its okay if you're going to eat the meet but then what if you tried to use that same justification to God about eating a person like that's defiantly not okay. genuinely none of it makes sense to me and i would get so worried (still do actually) about lying and i dont mean some crazy im cheating on my spouse lie i mean like if my mom asks me who im with and i dont want to tell her so i say i just went on a walk kind of lie stuff like that will send you directly to hell. could you imagine being a standup Christan for your whole life but right before you died you said a little white lie didnt have time to repent and now youre spending eternity in hell with freaking Hitler. Old boy genuinely did something to probably deserve hell but you just told a lie and now you in the same place as that dude like wtf God for real? im just Ahhhhhhh!!!
