Venting Randomly switching between being 100% ready to CTB and not being suicidal at all

[laylaN]

I'm really struggling to explain this properly. It's been going on for a long time and I thought I could deal with it, but it's tearing me up inside now that my chosen "expiration date" is quickly approaching and my stupid brain has decided to switch on me. I was looking forward to it this morning, even feeling excited to experience the pain. And now I don't even understand my mindset from back then. I still don't want to live but I don't want to die anymore.

One moment I'll be wishing I could just go home and kill myself painfully and the next moment I'll be super optimistic, feeling like everything is going to be okay and life is good. The thing is, I never know which one is the right/sane take. It could even be neither. I don't fucking know anything. I just spend every day either scared I'll keep hurting myself or scared I'll stop doing it, and no matter which one it is, I hate myself for feeling that way. Sometimes I stay in one state for a day or two at a time. And I finally feel like I've stabilised or something. But no, I always go back to the way I was.

Just hoping to god I'll switch back by the right time tomorrow.

 

[dinosavr]

Oh God I feel the same way. I should be happy that I feel better, but hell no, I prefer being suicidal. To me it's way easier and more reasonable way to go. I wish I could feel that way all the time and stop believing in all that hope and recovery crap that just keeps failing me.

I hope everything works good for you!!

 

[Reuthry]

I feel you. I guess you have your SI kicking in. I am sorry you feel this way. I used to feel like that too. It unfortunately took me 2 years to get over it, but I feel like I am getting closer to ctb and I hope I can do it when I planned it.
And well I think almost everyone suicidal don't really want to die too, they want to just disappear, I mean at least it applies to me, if I were given the option to press a button and disappear or a shotgun which will guarantee my death, I would probably go with the disappearing.
Anyway, I hope you can find what you are looking for, I guess things take time. I am wishing you the best.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

I think it's part of the process. It kinda fluctuates then eventually you'll come to a decision and stabilize.

 

[Hollowman]

Same here, I told myself years ago that no matter what state of mind I'm in I'll ctb right after my parent dies. Hopefully I'll be able to stick to that plan.

 

[Abyssal]

I feel similar. My days of being okay are lessening, but the level of SI still fluctuates.

 

[tarococo]

This is so relatable, and I'm sorry, I know how bad it feels. I suffer the most when I'm trying to recover, because knowing there is a way out and actually planning to leave is so comforting. But it takes guts to take this last step and actually go through with it.

 

[PaunPaun]

It's like you in the moment with pure impulsivity and then your brain manage to calm down

 

[laylaN]

Hi, so, I don't know if the people who replied to this thread will be notified. But it turns out I failed, ended up speaking to a health professional, and what I described in my post may have been a symptom of a personality disorder. Disordered thinking made my brain interpret my being unsure (grey) about suicide as endless switching from black (I want to die) to white (I want to live) and vice versa over and over. It depends on you whether you want to seek help about this or not, but I'm just putting in my two cents in case someone who relates to this is considering the possibility of a disorder. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense I am also really high right now and everything is spinning. Also I think doing drugs* kind of made things better and less suicidal. Bless

*RECREATIONAL drugs and in MODERATION pleasestay safe, I myself am very keen on googling shit before I dose ANYTHING

Edit: I ltierally don't even know what I want to say here, but I feel awkward deleting this message now that people have seen it. SHit lol fuck I know I sound a bit presumptuous here and I know that diagnossis doesn't help everyone. Or drugs. And some people here are already diagnosed.

But TLDR if you experience what I described in the post and you suspect you have some kind of disorder, please look into it more because treatment MIGHT help you regulate your hormones or some shit? I think . And it will help you get less depressed bc what was wrong with u was inside ur brain chemistry all along. And it's not your fault. It's just nature or nurture messing u up. Maybe. It won't work for everyone, but I wanted to post this in the long shot that it will help someone. I'm so embarrassed I haven't been on this site for so long Idk the ettiquete anymore man I jsut want to help ppl lik eme. Holy shit im not making sense