Randomly got hit with a feeling i cant place. Help?

[CutToRelease]

So when I was going through my stuff looking for supplies for my latest project if found a page folded up in a pouch on my old backpack

I opened it and it was a old drawing I made, probably when I was in highschool. But on the back of the drawing was a message. " Nice drawing bro, keep it up" it was signed with a name I don't remember or recognize. Then I felt like I was aching in my chest it felt like I was on the verge of crying. Which is super strange cause I can't remember the last time I cried. I didn't feel that way for anything super sad I can remember, not when my grandmother died or my dog. I wasn't what I would call sadness. I cant for the life of me put a finger on why I had that feeling

Any how I though of throwing it away but could not do it. I just put it back where I found it. So what are yalls thoughts if any at all.

Thank you for reading my rambling.

 

[hankly]

Sounds like a really beautiful artefact!

What parts of it keep you feeling attached, is it more the drawing or the note? Both are very strong things that may help illuminate a hidden need or desire that the old brain melt of mental illness may cloud.

 

[these_days9]

Sounds like nostalgia

 

[CutToRelease]

Sounds like a really beautiful artefact!

What parts of it keep you feeling attached, is it more the drawing or the note? Both are very strong things that may help illuminate a hidden need or desire that the old brain melt of mental illness may cloud.

Its not the drawing that did it it was reading the message left for me and then trying remember who's name that was. Even know thinking of it cause a blank hollow feeling to happen.

Sounds like nostalgia

Perhaps I have never really experienced nostalgia so idk. Or maybe I have a just dont rember.

 

[badkarma4618]

omg that feeling you described is like something i have felt before too. i had a similar moment while going through boxes i never fully unpacked, just kept dragging them with me through every move, from my childhood, through homelessness, until now.

i found this silly goodbye card from my 3rd grade classmates. bright construction paper, a wobbly little flower drawn on the front that i share a nickname with. inside were messages from kids i barely remember now, signed in messy handwriting. it was from when my mom and dad suddenly took me out of my grandparents custody and moved me to another province. one of the saddest most confusing times in my life.

i cried when i saw it, all that sadness came back. just seeing all those names… people i had forgotten, but who once shared a happy, exciting world with me. i dont think any of them ever thought about that card again. probably not me either. but i somehow held onto it all this time without even realizing why.

there is something about these little time capsules, messages from people who existed in the same moment as us, even if only briefly. it feels like remembering who you used to be and feeling how far you have come all at once.

thanks for sharing this. it reminded me im not the only one who sometimes feels that ache.

 

[hankly]

Is it a blank hollow feeling or are you just refusing to feel it so you're pushing it out?

 

[CutToRelease]

Is it a blank hollow feeling or are you just refusing to feel it so you're pushing it out?

Idk. I don't usually react to most feelings. I'm not without feelings I can get mad or sad or happy. But they are super short lived the I go back to whatever I am feeling most of the day which I cant put a name to its just kinda nothing. The median of all emotions.

 

[hankly]

Idk. I don't usually react to most feelings. I'm not without feelings I can get mad or sad or happy. But they are super short lived the I go back to whatever I am feeling most of the day which I cant put a name to its just kinda nothing. The median of all emotions.

Ok I totally get that, strangely maybe the medium is the message?

What happens when you draw or make art?

I had something for a long time where I couldn't properly interpret the physical sensations and feelings in my body because for my whole life I had pushed them away. Opening them up and learning what they all were directly was super overwhelming because I wasn't in a safe place or time to do so and it kinda made things worse. I think in a safe and settled environment it would have been fine but live and learn I guess (or don't lol that's why we're here).

 

[CutToRelease]

When I make something its hard to do if I'm not feeling up to it. But there are times where I will just work on a project for days on end or I work in one big burst where I don't sleep or eat for 12 hours. Then I wont touch that project again for like 12 months.

 

[hankly]

So you have the passion but not the focus?

I have/had a similar problem. At my best times I found setting alarms to dedicate a small amount of time to it every day, regardless of how I felt about it, helped turn it into an art practice. Also was a great site to feel good about myself for that period of time. Also opened up a lot of doors to meeting and talking to other like minded and interesting people.

Brave enough to share some of your work with us?

 

[CutToRelease]

Sure I mostly make masks

 

[Dot]

Wre u feelng sad bcse u r missng tht hpe & anticpatn tht cmes wth thngs jst startng out & feelng tht u hve a futre etc

& othr ppl havng hpe & Ncourgemnt fr u as u r startng out on smethng & havng ptentl

 

[CutToRelease]

Opps split my post story y'all

Wre u feelng sad bcse u r missng tht hpe & anticpatn tht cmes wth thngs jst startng out & feelng tht u hve a futre etc

& othr ppl havng hpe & Ncourgemnt fr u as u r startng out on smethng & havng ptentl

I don't think so. I cant bring my self to care about most people opinions. Good or bad did ever really matter to me.

 

[hankly]

Sure I mostly make masks

That's a really interesting medium in and of itself. In the scene I was a part of a good number of performance artists made and wore them as a way to embody a side of themselves that their meat face couldn't do.

Also provides a degree of protection and anonymity and a curation of temporary identity.

Also used in battle and ceremony.

What's the mask(/s) you're most proud of? What's drawn you to this medium over others?

Edit:

Oh they're sick!! I like the guy missing a horn with the blood coming down over the face.

How long have you been making them for?

 

[CutToRelease]

That's a really interesting medium in and of itself. In the scene I was a part of a good number of performance artists made and wore them as a way to embody a side of themselves that their meat face couldn't do.

Also provides a degree of protection and anonymity and a curation of temporary identity.

Also used in battle and ceremony.

What's the mask(/s) you're most proud of? What's drawn you to this medium over others?

My profile picture Is my favorit mask. I like them a lot. When I wear one it doesn't matter if I don't feel like I'm in my body at the time I can just be the mask I'm wearing. And yeah animosity is nice. But that never mattered to me with any besides people I know. I don't care if random people in the street see my scars on my arm. But the thought of people I know seeing them fill me with dread.

 

[hankly]

My profile picture Is my favorit mask. I like them a lot. When I wear one it doesn't matter if I don't feel like I'm in my body at the time I can just be the mask I'm wearing. And yeah animosity is nice. But that never mattered to me with any besides people I know. I don't care if random people in the street see my scars on my arm. But the thought of people I know seeing them fill me with dread.

Why does that fill you with dread?

 

[CutToRelease]

Why does that fill you with dread?

I'm not sure random peoples opinions don't matter but if I know them it makes what they say matter far more. I feel dread even around people who know I have SH in the past and know I have scars but I think that's cause they think I'm getting better even though I'm not and I'm still cutting. Maybe I just don't want to let them down mayne I'm scared they try and send my to a hospital.

Edit
i don't remember when I started making mask just that it was a long time ago. I'm 20 as of now and the farthest I can remember is like 5 years ago so idk what that tells u.

 

[hankly]

I'm not sure random peoples opinions don't matter but if I know them it makes what they say matter far more. I feel dread even around people who know I have SH in the past and know I have scars but I think that's cause they think I'm getting better even though I'm not and I'm still cutting. Maybe I just don't want to let them down mayne I'm scared they try and send my to a hospital.

Edit
i don't remember when I started making mask just that it was a long time ago. I'm 20 as of now and the farthest I can remember is like 5 years ago so idk what that tells u.

What do you do outside of making the masks?

I get that, I've SH a lot over my life. People who are close don't totally get it, there's usually one of two responses: fix it or pretend it doesn't happen. Can look into why people do that. What we really need is understanding and someone to sit with in it sometimes so we can figure it out ourselves.

Dream future what would it look like? Suicide not an option.

 

[CutToRelease]

What do you do outside of making the masks?

I get that, I've SH a lot over my life. People who are close don't totally get it, there's usually one of two responses: fix it or pretend it doesn't happen. Can look into why people do that. What we really need is understanding and someone to sit with in it sometimes so we can figure it out ourselves.

Dream future what would it look like? Suicide not an option.

This is going to be the end for tonight my head has starded killing me so I'm going eat 3 aspirin and try and sleep.

But to answer your last post before I go.

The other thing I do is wood working. I stared making canes and walking sticks from wood. Carving them down and giving them shape. It gives me a different reason to sharpen my knives.

As for my future I don't think of it beyond a month ahead of me. I have no plans other than get a job after that idk. Exist I guess. I have no plans to kill my self but plan weren't ever really my style.

If my ctb moment ever come it will probably be a sudden flood of negative that will end I a panic frenzy where try and kill myself.

Any who thanks for the talk and to every one else who read or comment here. Bye for now. I hope I don't forget u but I make no promises