random venting

[shrusho]

Why haven't I killed myself yet. Why do I keep putting it off. I guess its because I'd be missing out on fun stuff. But nothing is really all that fun to me, and honestly I can't remember a time where I could fully enjoy something, without feeling the ever looming shadow of depression, or anxiety, or just numbness. I have friends and they seem to like me, but I don't think I will ever be able to fully connect with them. When we hang out, I can make them laugh, have long conversations with them, sit close with legs touching, but I never ever feel present. I can get drunk, high etc and the experience feels over before it's even begun. I just feel so alone. And I feel like I'm at my end. My days are just spent trying to convince myself things are worth doing, that I should be happy to put in effort, to participate in this society and grow old etc. But I can't bring myself to care about anything, everything is just so fuzzy. I don't know what it is that gives me the strength to get out of bed. I guess I don't want to get in trouble. But why should I care?? If I don't feel connected to this life. Why should I care what other people think of me? I could just rot in bed until I die. But I don't for some reason. I still get up to go to work or school, or get my little brother ready, or see friends. I am just watching someone else go through these experiences. I don't feel them myself. I have to literally convince myself that I'm not at home, because something in my brain just doesn't register this reality. I am so bad at locating things and I'm so forgetful, it feels like I have brain cancer or something. I want to get an mri but I don't imagine they wou;ld find anything. I just think its so fucked up that my brain has done this to itself. I spent christmas with my family and the whole time I was just waiting for it to be over. I need to see a doctor or something. But I ghosted my therapist so I don't know who to bring it up to. Therapy has never helped me anyway, talking won't help me. I've talked plenty and nothing has changed. I need to get a lobtomy. Or kill myself. But I don't want to die, I just want to be normal. I want to be able to hang out with my boyfriend, and truely feel like hes there, and appreciate him and love him and give him the attention he deserves, but when I get like this its just so hard to feel anything. And when hes gone he just feels imaginary. Like im remembering him from a movie or post online. Nothing I do feels real and its actually making me crazy I just want to destroy myself. So I can actually feel something. I want to destroy my non functioning mind with drugs, I want to feel pain, I need to hurt myself. But again I worry about what people would say. I dont know why thats the one thing that gets to me. I can't feel praise, love or empathy, but when people are angry at me, it makes me feel like im gunna vomit. If I try to block them out, it just makes me feel even more distant and fuzzy. What are the chances that I had to grow up like this, being completely broken from the start, and everyone else is just fine? Experiencing life as "Normal". No one else complains about this feeling, no one that ive seen at least. I cannot convince myself that anything is real. When it all feels like a hallucination or dream. When I look at my hands, they don't register as mine. My body is not mine. I feel trapped and compeltely isolated. And my boyfriend doesn't understand. When I try to explain I sound completely delusional, and why should he know anyway. Its not like he can help me. I want him to break up with me so I can kill myself. I tell him ill die if he breaks up with me. He doesn't realize he'd be doing me a favour. I dont provide him anything so he wouldn't be losing much. I just sit in bed fantasizing about what it would feel like to be on that bridge, and the few seconds of pure relaxation and ease that id feel, when I know nothing matters anymore, and I will never have to think about anyuthing forever. I don't care that theres nothing on the other side. If there was I would be pissed. I just want to stop feeling. Or at least have a break. I want to slip into a coma after being hit by a truck. I want to poison myself and feel my insides melting. I want my heart to suddenly stop and I wake up in a hospital. Or get cancer. I just want to be done