veigarbeast
Member
- Aug 9, 2022
- 5
Hey, this is just a small vent about my life because I have to write it down somewhere.
This is my daily routine: I get up, turn on my PC, play League of Legends, and then I go back to sleep sometime in the evening. I also study on the side - and I even have good grades - but it's extremely hard for me to motivate myself for anything and in most sessions I call in sick. I haven't really gotten to know anyone during my time in university. I'm studying some useless social science subject and I'm in the sixth semester (I think I'll finish in the 8th at the current pace) so it's not guaranteed that I'll ever find a decent job with it.
Over a long period of time I have lost all my friends except one. And it's extremely hard for me to meet new people, it feels impossible for me. I don't know if I have autism, but at some point I just forgot how to talk to other people. I just can't break the ice, even if i tried. All my life I used alcohol to compensate for the lack of my social skills and I even had some people in my former friend group that I couldn't talk to sober.
The reason I've lost my social skills is because I've been ugly as hell for ~10 years of my life. People have constantly made fun of me because of my looks - whether very directly in public, or more indirectly in my immediate circle of acquaintances. Whenever I was on the way to school and saw other teenagers my age I was under extreme stress because it was always a coinflip whether they would comment on my looks. That's why I avoided so many social interactions and why I always hung out with the same people and never learned to make small talk.
Now I'm still ugly (crooked big nose with a bump, big forehead that I at least can cover up with hair, and a very pointed and too small face), but I made the decision at some point to switch from long to short hair, and now the negative reactions from other people have become less frequent. But I still sometimes get disgusted and perplexed looks in the sense of "what's wrong with this person" simply because I committed the crime... of existing in the same room. Oh well, I also have hair loss and I'm already on medication for it (which also has severe side effects..) but it feels like the clock is ticking all the time because once my hair is gone it's just completely over for me.
But idk I'm not an incel or something like that, despite that I had a girlfriend for a few years. After we were together for about 2.5 years she seemed more and more distant and we didn't really kiss anymore etc., and then we were still together for a while but it was clear to both of us that we would break up. She probably realized she could get someone better (it's funny, now she's practically dating a guy who is 1 to 1 like me personality wise but 100x better looking lmao). After we broke up I thought to myself I would never have a girlfriend again. And I was so lonely after our relationship and only had one person that I was friends with. There were several periods where I didn't talk to anyone except my parents for weeks (who I don't have a good relationship with, in fact I never really talk to them and live my own life in the same house), During this time I drank an extreme amount of alcohol (like every third day), sometimes took opioids like kratom, and read all kinds of books about suicide, like the peaceful pill and final exit. I had also ordered everything to make an exit bag and bought a 40l 15 bar helium cylinder, but I realized too late that it is very difficult to regulate the outflow of the gas with the connections. So I had no other option than to live a little longer, because I didn't want to risk any brain damage.
Then a year passed and to my biggest surprise I started dating my best (and only) friend, for whom I obviously had feelings all the time. Prior to that we met more often and did all kinds of things, went to restaurants, movies, played league and she also stayed over at my place more often and we cuddled. But it was all platonic until she suddenly told me that she had feelings for me (!?). In the beginning it was really nice to have a person to talk about all mental issues, she basically forced me to talk about everything (in a friendly way) and I was also there for her ofc. Well, but now we see each other only once a month and she says there is no problem, but she always cancels all meetings and has been so distant for some time. So I think that's done - i'm pretty sure she's so distant and indirect with me so that the breakup comes from my side and thus the friendship is preserved.
And then the last person in my life would be gone. Because I couldn't stay friends with her and then eventually watch her replace me with some guy who will be better than me. That would destroy me. And I also just can't be friends with someone I have feelings for anymore. Why would I willingly do that to myself again? I have learned my lesson...
...for the people reading this who may have suicidal thoughts because they have never dated anyone, I can guarantee you that it will not make you happy. You will still be the same "ugly loser" in the eyes of 99.9% of humanity, and your insecurities will then just transfer to other things in the partnership. And if it doesn't work out then all your insecurities become much more painful, much worse than if you simply had no experience at all. I still have the feeling of not being good enough and not being able to keep up with other guys who are better and more masculine than me. However, I am aware of my privileged position to have learned this lesson in the first place and of course would not want to trade places with someone who has been single all his life. Anyway, no joke, it was a drastic experience in my life when she suddenly had feelings for me, because I had realized that relationships do not make you happy (and I have ALWAYS tried to forget my problems by seeking relationships and I always thought "if she likes me, then that would be the final proof that I am worth something, despite everything..." but yeah it doesn't change anything).
All I want is normality and not to stand out negatively. But I am aware that I will never have that in my life. I will always be treated like shit by others because of my looks. And I don't know, it's a little pathetic, but I just crave really hard in these everyday social situations to be perceived as this normal guy who has lots of friends, is extroverted, can make small talk, who looks good and I don't know maybe even picks up a girl (all my relationships only came about because I had to score with my personality over a long period of time... I know that both girls I dated would never find me attractive if they only met me at a party for one day). I just need that because my whole life I've had the experience of being at the bottom of the hierarchy in terms of looks, that cathartic moment of just being desired for my body is kind of like the highest experience I aspire to have? It's weird... I don't even mean sex, I just want to have the experience of being the center of attention (anywhere) simply because I'm perceived as charismatic. I never had that. Btw. I also had a small aesthetic surgery and I love the results, but I realized that it's kinda pointless bc I can't ever reach that level of attractiveness needed to not be considered ugly xd
Idk im just so fucking lonely all the time and I just want a normal social life and be desired and not negatively viewed because of my body. I wish I could just accept myself and be accepted + overcome my addiction issues. But I'm also just exhausted and want it all to be over quickly. All I need to do is buy argon online and order it while my parents are away and it would be quick and painless. I'm just kind of waiting for the right moment.
Maybe this will help someone who has similar problems, have a good night :)! I'm not a native english speaker so excuse my grammar
This is my daily routine: I get up, turn on my PC, play League of Legends, and then I go back to sleep sometime in the evening. I also study on the side - and I even have good grades - but it's extremely hard for me to motivate myself for anything and in most sessions I call in sick. I haven't really gotten to know anyone during my time in university. I'm studying some useless social science subject and I'm in the sixth semester (I think I'll finish in the 8th at the current pace) so it's not guaranteed that I'll ever find a decent job with it.
Over a long period of time I have lost all my friends except one. And it's extremely hard for me to meet new people, it feels impossible for me. I don't know if I have autism, but at some point I just forgot how to talk to other people. I just can't break the ice, even if i tried. All my life I used alcohol to compensate for the lack of my social skills and I even had some people in my former friend group that I couldn't talk to sober.
The reason I've lost my social skills is because I've been ugly as hell for ~10 years of my life. People have constantly made fun of me because of my looks - whether very directly in public, or more indirectly in my immediate circle of acquaintances. Whenever I was on the way to school and saw other teenagers my age I was under extreme stress because it was always a coinflip whether they would comment on my looks. That's why I avoided so many social interactions and why I always hung out with the same people and never learned to make small talk.
Now I'm still ugly (crooked big nose with a bump, big forehead that I at least can cover up with hair, and a very pointed and too small face), but I made the decision at some point to switch from long to short hair, and now the negative reactions from other people have become less frequent. But I still sometimes get disgusted and perplexed looks in the sense of "what's wrong with this person" simply because I committed the crime... of existing in the same room. Oh well, I also have hair loss and I'm already on medication for it (which also has severe side effects..) but it feels like the clock is ticking all the time because once my hair is gone it's just completely over for me.
But idk I'm not an incel or something like that, despite that I had a girlfriend for a few years. After we were together for about 2.5 years she seemed more and more distant and we didn't really kiss anymore etc., and then we were still together for a while but it was clear to both of us that we would break up. She probably realized she could get someone better (it's funny, now she's practically dating a guy who is 1 to 1 like me personality wise but 100x better looking lmao). After we broke up I thought to myself I would never have a girlfriend again. And I was so lonely after our relationship and only had one person that I was friends with. There were several periods where I didn't talk to anyone except my parents for weeks (who I don't have a good relationship with, in fact I never really talk to them and live my own life in the same house), During this time I drank an extreme amount of alcohol (like every third day), sometimes took opioids like kratom, and read all kinds of books about suicide, like the peaceful pill and final exit. I had also ordered everything to make an exit bag and bought a 40l 15 bar helium cylinder, but I realized too late that it is very difficult to regulate the outflow of the gas with the connections. So I had no other option than to live a little longer, because I didn't want to risk any brain damage.
Then a year passed and to my biggest surprise I started dating my best (and only) friend, for whom I obviously had feelings all the time. Prior to that we met more often and did all kinds of things, went to restaurants, movies, played league and she also stayed over at my place more often and we cuddled. But it was all platonic until she suddenly told me that she had feelings for me (!?). In the beginning it was really nice to have a person to talk about all mental issues, she basically forced me to talk about everything (in a friendly way) and I was also there for her ofc. Well, but now we see each other only once a month and she says there is no problem, but she always cancels all meetings and has been so distant for some time. So I think that's done - i'm pretty sure she's so distant and indirect with me so that the breakup comes from my side and thus the friendship is preserved.
And then the last person in my life would be gone. Because I couldn't stay friends with her and then eventually watch her replace me with some guy who will be better than me. That would destroy me. And I also just can't be friends with someone I have feelings for anymore. Why would I willingly do that to myself again? I have learned my lesson...
...for the people reading this who may have suicidal thoughts because they have never dated anyone, I can guarantee you that it will not make you happy. You will still be the same "ugly loser" in the eyes of 99.9% of humanity, and your insecurities will then just transfer to other things in the partnership. And if it doesn't work out then all your insecurities become much more painful, much worse than if you simply had no experience at all. I still have the feeling of not being good enough and not being able to keep up with other guys who are better and more masculine than me. However, I am aware of my privileged position to have learned this lesson in the first place and of course would not want to trade places with someone who has been single all his life. Anyway, no joke, it was a drastic experience in my life when she suddenly had feelings for me, because I had realized that relationships do not make you happy (and I have ALWAYS tried to forget my problems by seeking relationships and I always thought "if she likes me, then that would be the final proof that I am worth something, despite everything..." but yeah it doesn't change anything).
All I want is normality and not to stand out negatively. But I am aware that I will never have that in my life. I will always be treated like shit by others because of my looks. And I don't know, it's a little pathetic, but I just crave really hard in these everyday social situations to be perceived as this normal guy who has lots of friends, is extroverted, can make small talk, who looks good and I don't know maybe even picks up a girl (all my relationships only came about because I had to score with my personality over a long period of time... I know that both girls I dated would never find me attractive if they only met me at a party for one day). I just need that because my whole life I've had the experience of being at the bottom of the hierarchy in terms of looks, that cathartic moment of just being desired for my body is kind of like the highest experience I aspire to have? It's weird... I don't even mean sex, I just want to have the experience of being the center of attention (anywhere) simply because I'm perceived as charismatic. I never had that. Btw. I also had a small aesthetic surgery and I love the results, but I realized that it's kinda pointless bc I can't ever reach that level of attractiveness needed to not be considered ugly xd
Idk im just so fucking lonely all the time and I just want a normal social life and be desired and not negatively viewed because of my body. I wish I could just accept myself and be accepted + overcome my addiction issues. But I'm also just exhausted and want it all to be over quickly. All I need to do is buy argon online and order it while my parents are away and it would be quick and painless. I'm just kind of waiting for the right moment.
Maybe this will help someone who has similar problems, have a good night :)! I'm not a native english speaker so excuse my grammar
Last edited:
