I always struggle to answer that question. But I'll just say that I wasn't born for this life. I can't stand the pain, even what other people say is the slightest (to me there's no way that can be slight). The people that had sex and through which I was sadly born (people say these are called 'parents', but I refuse to refer to them as such) were extremely toxic to me and made me feel from a very young age like an undesired and worthless being. Everything I ever done was always imperfect to their eyes, the female person who was responsible for taking care of me told me many times how she was so regretful of coming with the male person to their place, as for her all her disgrace was his fault, but of course, if she hadn't come, I would have never been born, so she preferred I was never born. She always despised me because she considered me to be the favourite of his, she would yell at me, tell me how bad I have done stuff, how slow I am at learning things, and she would do these things with a smile in her face, seemingly innocent, as that was her way of seeking the validation of others and giving the impression that she was actually a good person. She would finger at other children who "knew how to do things" I still didn't know how, she would tell me "look at how that kid is doing it", she would compare me all the time to other children, never enough for her. Same goes for him, anyway. He would yell at me as well, treat me as his favourite at times, and hit his non-biological son (which was the son of her, which she had with another man, so he hated him for that), in front of me, he would do stuff like throwing him through the stairs of the house, supposedly to defend me. She would say it was all my fault, whenever he could, her other son would insult me as well and yell at me, even hit me a couple of times, to make him feel better about himself for the mistreatment he received from his non-biological father. But he, the male person, would give me that look that I was stupid, he would hit me as well, and get angry at me and hit me too whenever I asked any questions he considered unworthy of me, who he called his son. They would never accept their mistakes, they would always present themselves as perfect to others, never talk about any problems, get super angry if I ever spoke up about any issues in the family, justifying it by saying that this is normal and every family goes through stuff like this.
I struggled in all of my years of school, the highest grades most of the time (save for just a couple of countable occassions), people didn't want to know about my problems since it seemed I didn't have any. Tried to kill myself and escape this prison other people call life, and all I got was more mistreatment, more yelling, more looks of disapproval, more denial, more "he's fine", more fighting between male and female person, more feeling that I was just a burden, more feeling that I just want a %$#%# way out of this hell.
No real friends, no one, not teachers, not other children's parents, no one tried to help. If anything, all the opposite. My school's directives made me feel like it was all my fault, like the people at the house where I was living only wanted the best for me. To all of them, I was the son of a very normal and healthy couple. Or maybe they knew, and I am just lying to myself. Maybe they just didn't care. They are all living their lives, as if I had never existed, as if I didn't exist in the first place, as if I was just a ghost, someone who shouldn't be here in this place, someone who was born in the wrong time and place.
Now I live with nightmares, with the traumatic experiences following me wherever I go. No matter how hard I try to forget, or to process, or to accept, no matter what I do, it's always there. The people who tortured me and made my life hell are always there, in the eyes of other people I interact with, in their voice, in their words, in my nightmares. I am not safe, anywhere I go, not even in the house, not in my mind, not in my sleep, there's nowhere safe. I am trapped in this hell.
I could go on and on. But maybe that's enough.
