Sylveon
??/??/2024
- Oct 10, 2023
- 415
Every day feels the same; the only thing that seems to change is the date on the bottom of the screen and the calendar every 30 days. I genuinely have no idea how people manage to do this for years till the end; I haven't even hit 20, and I already hate what I'm in for, and I really don't wanna hear about how young I am and how it can get better. I know it comes from a place of goodwill and may even have some truth to it, but I already know how my life is gonna turn out, and it doesn't exactly make me enthusiastic about it.
Really, I don't even hate the current system we have in place; don't get me wrong, it sucks, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. There are countless people who have managed to succeed and find a place for themselves in this shitstorm, but I'm one of those people who can't just "suck it up," at least not internally, nor do I have any desire to.
I never seriously sat down to think about my adulthood, as most people around me did back during school, and now it's all coming to bite me back. When I did try, though, I just either broke down or couldn't find a single thing I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life, as much as I tried to force myself to like it... The only thing I ever had a genuine passion for was sports, but I never managed to grow a spine to say that outright to my parents; I tried to indirectly tell them, but was met with the "common people don't make it big," and I do recognise there's truth to this statement, but I can't really help it... People say that's just life, and if that's the case, then surely my wanting out should be justified if I don't wish to experience it, right? All the happiness that people talk about feels so shallow in the grand scheme of things, especially when there's so much suffering around the world. Not just that, I genuinely have no clue as to how people manage to subdue the stress of life itself.
All those hours I put into studying throughout the years feel so pointless, and the ones I didn't make me feel guilty. I always thought that I was happy by myself, but I didn't realise that my friends were the only thing that kept me going (which explains why I always felt miserable when alone), as pathetic as that may sound. Now, every day feels like the same day of going through motions until I'm just too tired to... Maybe I'm too egotistical for my own good, but if I can't be happy with myself, then I'd rather be dead, and I'm not happy with myself, people like me, or should I say I specifically, would rather stay in my self-imposed victim complex and be a slave to my comfort zone than to go out there being the pathetic loser I am.
I'm not the one who deserves those kind words that people say to me around here; I was the one who voluntarily drove my life to the ground when I could've tried harder; I made the choice to start cutting two years ago (yeah, almost exactly two years ago), and I'm the one who made the choice to not stop... It's all on me.
Yeah, I know this likely comes off as insulting to the people who are actually struggling and that I'll probably throw away what most would consider to be a "good life," but I don't see a point in continuing for myself, especially when there are countless other people like me who aren't at the bottom of the table.
Thanks for listening to the musings of this 19 y/o NPC. I wish I could give my life to some of you out here...
Really, I don't even hate the current system we have in place; don't get me wrong, it sucks, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. There are countless people who have managed to succeed and find a place for themselves in this shitstorm, but I'm one of those people who can't just "suck it up," at least not internally, nor do I have any desire to.
I never seriously sat down to think about my adulthood, as most people around me did back during school, and now it's all coming to bite me back. When I did try, though, I just either broke down or couldn't find a single thing I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life, as much as I tried to force myself to like it... The only thing I ever had a genuine passion for was sports, but I never managed to grow a spine to say that outright to my parents; I tried to indirectly tell them, but was met with the "common people don't make it big," and I do recognise there's truth to this statement, but I can't really help it... People say that's just life, and if that's the case, then surely my wanting out should be justified if I don't wish to experience it, right? All the happiness that people talk about feels so shallow in the grand scheme of things, especially when there's so much suffering around the world. Not just that, I genuinely have no clue as to how people manage to subdue the stress of life itself.
All those hours I put into studying throughout the years feel so pointless, and the ones I didn't make me feel guilty. I always thought that I was happy by myself, but I didn't realise that my friends were the only thing that kept me going (which explains why I always felt miserable when alone), as pathetic as that may sound. Now, every day feels like the same day of going through motions until I'm just too tired to... Maybe I'm too egotistical for my own good, but if I can't be happy with myself, then I'd rather be dead, and I'm not happy with myself, people like me, or should I say I specifically, would rather stay in my self-imposed victim complex and be a slave to my comfort zone than to go out there being the pathetic loser I am.
I'm not the one who deserves those kind words that people say to me around here; I was the one who voluntarily drove my life to the ground when I could've tried harder; I made the choice to start cutting two years ago (yeah, almost exactly two years ago), and I'm the one who made the choice to not stop... It's all on me.
Yeah, I know this likely comes off as insulting to the people who are actually struggling and that I'll probably throw away what most would consider to be a "good life," but I don't see a point in continuing for myself, especially when there are countless other people like me who aren't at the bottom of the table.
Thanks for listening to the musings of this 19 y/o NPC. I wish I could give my life to some of you out here...
