I'm just waiting for my sister to go to bed.
I'm not always suicidal but I've always lived with a "if that's what it comes to, so be it" mentality
My plan is absurd levels of stupid by the way.
This most recent episode of mine started when I got covid. I very quickly pushed eveyone away from me. I've been having boy problems recently that are incredibly one-sided and have been making me feel like a loser and an idiot. It's just been getting worse and worse and I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about it because I'll just look like, well, a loser and an idiot! That and it's fucking saturday night so they're probably all busy.
Along with that, I need to find car insurance in the next week of my life and I'm gonna have to start looking for an apartment soon and I just can't fucking do it I can't handle being a real adult my brain isn't compatible with this world I get so overwhelmed by such simple things and people keep saying that it might get better but I'm so tired of having hope because I always just get disappointed
I promise I'm usually a lot more coherent than this
Yesterday I started looking into SN more and I didn't realize how hard it was to buy so I tried to buy some lab-grade stuff from one of those websites that doesn't ship to residential addresses. When my order got cancelled I got so upset that I went out and bought a few boxes of benadryl so I'm just gonna take like 110 x25mg and see what happens. Dumb idea, I know. I'm beyond the point of caring though.
If anyone wants to tell me in the replies about what benadryl ODs are like I'm all ears.
The only thing that I can't get over for the life of me is what I'll be doing to my sister by doing this. We don't have, like, the best parents in the world and she definitely has a rougher relationship with them than I do. She always told me how much she valued our relationship because we have our parents in common and so I "get it" on a level that nobody else does. She doesn't deserve to be abandoned the way I'll be doing so.
Goddamn though, I can't keep doing this.
I think I've said everything I have to say. I keep having to remind myself that it's not an 100% chance that I'll die, I'm literally just fucking around and finding out. Ok bye
I'm not always suicidal but I've always lived with a "if that's what it comes to, so be it" mentality
My plan is absurd levels of stupid by the way.
This most recent episode of mine started when I got covid. I very quickly pushed eveyone away from me. I've been having boy problems recently that are incredibly one-sided and have been making me feel like a loser and an idiot. It's just been getting worse and worse and I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about it because I'll just look like, well, a loser and an idiot! That and it's fucking saturday night so they're probably all busy.
Along with that, I need to find car insurance in the next week of my life and I'm gonna have to start looking for an apartment soon and I just can't fucking do it I can't handle being a real adult my brain isn't compatible with this world I get so overwhelmed by such simple things and people keep saying that it might get better but I'm so tired of having hope because I always just get disappointed
I promise I'm usually a lot more coherent than this
Yesterday I started looking into SN more and I didn't realize how hard it was to buy so I tried to buy some lab-grade stuff from one of those websites that doesn't ship to residential addresses. When my order got cancelled I got so upset that I went out and bought a few boxes of benadryl so I'm just gonna take like 110 x25mg and see what happens. Dumb idea, I know. I'm beyond the point of caring though.
If anyone wants to tell me in the replies about what benadryl ODs are like I'm all ears.
The only thing that I can't get over for the life of me is what I'll be doing to my sister by doing this. We don't have, like, the best parents in the world and she definitely has a rougher relationship with them than I do. She always told me how much she valued our relationship because we have our parents in common and so I "get it" on a level that nobody else does. She doesn't deserve to be abandoned the way I'll be doing so.
Goddamn though, I can't keep doing this.
I think I've said everything I have to say. I keep having to remind myself that it's not an 100% chance that I'll die, I'm literally just fucking around and finding out. Ok bye
