I guess I can say I've always been a lonely person. I've always loved reading short stories, my earliest memory of elementary school was once I arrived first day of the new year school, I pulled out my new English text book, and started reading through the stories in it. I still think I have that book somewhere, it had such amazing short stories that are really fun even now. I never thought it was weird, arriving to school early and reading by yourself, I was just doing what I enjoyed - in hindsight by my country's super duper conservative standards that would've been a super huge red flag, had my parents taken on just a bit of parental responsibility they would've dealt with me psychologically, had my parents felt just a little bit of loyalty to the customs of the place they would've smacked me in the head and told me to fit in. But instead I got neither, in fact I got nothing at all. There was no care, no guidance, no reprimand, no encouragement, nothing. I was only paid attention when I was dramatic enough to be a problem to them, and even that didn't work.
Behold select paragraphs from the anger management psychology text book gifted (thrown) at me at the age of 7 to fix myself (reward for good grades).
- Deuteronomy 6:4:9 contains some of the scripture's most specific insights on quality parenting. This passage makes clear that one of the most important aspects of parenting is being a model. We can tell children all kinds of things, but what they see and experience is much more powerful that (sic) what they hear. As a result, one of the most powerful factors that influences how we deal with our anger involves our experiences with this emotion when we were children.
- Ronald Levant of Harvard Medical School verified man's tendency to escape his feelings in his remarks at the 1991 American Psychological Convention. Dr. Levant declared that men tend to distract themselves with daydreams or tasks when they feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in a situation.
- What was happening to their relationship? By not expressing and dealing with their anger, Barb and Jim were destroying their relationship. They were becoming married single.
Ah sweet sweet dusty citations.
In hindsight my parents should've gifted themselves the book, for my temper tantrums came from trying to emulate them....
So I guess parental neglect has always been part of my life. I was always alone in my big moments in every challenge, in every failure, in every triumph, in every moment of desolation I always spent it alone. My parents were never there to support and check up on me like a human parent is kinda supposed to. I was treated instead like an anomalous trophy - the kid who never needed help - the one to be paraded to their friends and family when they came over to visit, it didn't matter if they were cursing me moments before, the moment someone else popped by I was the prize to be shown off. Maybe that freedom would've been nice but I was never allowed to leave the house, even if I was invited to the birthday next door I had to sneak to go there.
But its fine. Its fine. Its fine. So what. So what! Who needs any kind of moral support yeah! You figured math out, you figured reading and writing out didn't you - they never sat you down and bother to check but you showed them! You were top of your class! This Jesus Christ fellow, sure they never told who he is, but you showed them yeah! living in this conservative dump, you borrowed that book from that girl and figured it out didn't you. You were never allowed to interact outside of school but you learned about the world through those books didn't you. You figured it out yourself didn't you.
__
I read somewhere that childhood trauma is like a lifelong tax that will always take a piece of you for the rest of your life.
You can get mitigate, you can reduce, but once you've been gifted that tax, it will always be there to cut you short.
I guess that early loneliness never left me.
I guess that early distrust never left me.
I guess that early never-feel-good-enough-because-of-unrealistic-expectations-and-shifting-goal-posts-driving-me-to-a-neurotic-hell-of-never-ending-obssessiveness-about-anything-I-do never left me.
But hey at least I developed a sense of humor to cope
️
But that Tax is always creeping.
Lurking in the shadows
Sneaking in the darkness.
Eyeing me its prey.
Salivating as I fatten.
Striking only in my moment of bliss to remind me
To Remind Me.
that "I am not a normal functioning member of society. no I am just a pale imitation of what a normal person looks like. a cheap carbon copy, an imitation, a puppet show - disrupted, the illusion discovered how awkward the crowd must feel at seeing something pretend to something it is not"
A human ChatGPT breaking to reveal that its just guessing the next to say.
I suppose that's the price I pay for having to learn how to fit in.
Why am I writing this.
IDK
Its a shitty learning model, trying to brute force fitting in. I thought after reading all those articles, YouTube videos, in person attempts going to as many social gatherings I possibly can trying to figure out what to do right.
It is just another tiny small incident, an insignificant fucking piece of text, a stupid message. 14 words, that ruined my night, and brought me to this depth of misery.
> "you need to getchu a gf or something and stop fuckin' with me"
In isolation, so what, why does it matter. Maybe I was sharing too many funny videos I found. Counting a total of 7 links forwarded for Aug-23, hitting an average of 3 per month since Jan-23 was too weird for a single person.
Okay tone it down. Move on, big deal haha.
But then why is it such a trend.
Why do I always feel like a sucker. Thinking that I have more or less fit in when something just always hits me out of nowhere reminding me that I have naively made the assumption that I fit in where I do not belong.
I just want to be normal.
And yet it always always feels like in these tiny moments that that the mask unveils and I discover that I am just barely being tolerated.
Selection bias? I had shitty parents so I choose the company of similarly shitty people?
The last person I really tried to make friends ended up sharing an infected app
Am I Narcisist?
Fuck I don't obsess about myself do I? I just want to feel accepted. Is there a difference? I'd get a therapist but I don't trust the ones that operate in this country, and for good reason tbh.
Why am I even posting here. Am I so miserable? blabla bla bla bla.
Boo hoo hooo.
I'll admit it hurts a bit when I found out ____ were hanging out and they never invited.
And the blank space keeps rotating. With each rotation just chipping a bit at me.
1,231 words.
Behold select paragraphs from the anger management psychology text book gifted (
- Deuteronomy 6:4:9 contains some of the scripture's most specific insights on quality parenting. This passage makes clear that one of the most important aspects of parenting is being a model. We can tell children all kinds of things, but what they see and experience is much more powerful that (sic) what they hear. As a result, one of the most powerful factors that influences how we deal with our anger involves our experiences with this emotion when we were children.
- Ronald Levant of Harvard Medical School verified man's tendency to escape his feelings in his remarks at the 1991 American Psychological Convention. Dr. Levant declared that men tend to distract themselves with daydreams or tasks when they feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in a situation.
- What was happening to their relationship? By not expressing and dealing with their anger, Barb and Jim were destroying their relationship. They were becoming married single.
Ah sweet sweet dusty citations.
In hindsight my parents should've gifted themselves the book, for my temper tantrums came from trying to emulate them....
So I guess parental neglect has always been part of my life. I was always alone in my big moments in every challenge, in every failure, in every triumph, in every moment of desolation I always spent it alone. My parents were never there to support and check up on me like a human parent is kinda supposed to. I was treated instead like an anomalous trophy - the kid who never needed help - the one to be paraded to their friends and family when they came over to visit, it didn't matter if they were cursing me moments before, the moment someone else popped by I was the prize to be shown off. Maybe that freedom would've been nice but I was never allowed to leave the house, even if I was invited to the birthday next door I had to sneak to go there.
But its fine. Its fine. Its fine. So what. So what! Who needs any kind of moral support yeah! You figured math out, you figured reading and writing out didn't you - they never sat you down and bother to check but you showed them! You were top of your class! This Jesus Christ fellow, sure they never told who he is, but you showed them yeah! living in this conservative dump, you borrowed that book from that girl and figured it out didn't you. You were never allowed to interact outside of school but you learned about the world through those books didn't you. You figured it out yourself didn't you.
__
I read somewhere that childhood trauma is like a lifelong tax that will always take a piece of you for the rest of your life.
You can get mitigate, you can reduce, but once you've been gifted that tax, it will always be there to cut you short.
I guess that early loneliness never left me.
I guess that early distrust never left me.
I guess that early never-feel-good-enough-because-of-unrealistic-expectations-and-shifting-goal-posts-driving-me-to-a-neurotic-hell-of-never-ending-obssessiveness-about-anything-I-do never left me.
But hey at least I developed a sense of humor to cope
️But that Tax is always creeping.
Lurking in the shadows
Sneaking in the darkness.
Eyeing me its prey.
Salivating as I fatten.
Striking only in my moment of bliss to remind me
To Remind Me.
that "I am not a normal functioning member of society. no I am just a pale imitation of what a normal person looks like. a cheap carbon copy, an imitation, a puppet show - disrupted, the illusion discovered how awkward the crowd must feel at seeing something pretend to something it is not"
A human ChatGPT breaking to reveal that its just guessing the next to say.
I suppose that's the price I pay for having to learn how to fit in.
Why am I writing this.
IDK
Its a shitty learning model, trying to brute force fitting in. I thought after reading all those articles, YouTube videos, in person attempts going to as many social gatherings I possibly can trying to figure out what to do right.
It is just another tiny small incident, an insignificant fucking piece of text, a stupid message. 14 words, that ruined my night, and brought me to this depth of misery.
> "you need to getchu a gf or something and stop fuckin' with me"
In isolation, so what, why does it matter. Maybe I was sharing too many funny videos I found. Counting a total of 7 links forwarded for Aug-23, hitting an average of 3 per month since Jan-23 was too weird for a single person.
Okay tone it down. Move on, big deal haha.
But then why is it such a trend.
Why do I always feel like a sucker. Thinking that I have more or less fit in when something just always hits me out of nowhere reminding me that I have naively made the assumption that I fit in where I do not belong.
I just want to be normal.
And yet it always always feels like in these tiny moments that that the mask unveils and I discover that I am just barely being tolerated.
Selection bias? I had shitty parents so I choose the company of similarly shitty people?
The last person I really tried to make friends ended up sharing an infected app
Am I Narcisist?
Fuck I don't obsess about myself do I? I just want to feel accepted. Is there a difference? I'd get a therapist but I don't trust the ones that operate in this country, and for good reason tbh.
Why am I even posting here. Am I so miserable? blabla bla bla bla.
Boo hoo hooo.
I'll admit it hurts a bit when I found out ____ were hanging out and they never invited.
And the blank space keeps rotating. With each rotation just chipping a bit at me.
1,231 words.
