Venting ramble - can’t articulate myself

[sugarb]

Sorry for the mostly incoherent ramble, I'm a bit sleep deprived

I don't know if it's my ADHD/autism or if the universe just hates me, but I regularly have very deep and complex thoughts/feelings/ideas/experiences that I just can't articulate to anyone. It's honestly a major reason for me wanting to CTB.

I feel like there's this ocean of feelings, visuals, and raw information straining at the seams of my skull and if I try my absolute hardest I can let out a tiny droplet, at most. It's driving me up the wall. I'll have an odd incredible divine-feeling derealized experience sitting on a fence on a windy day at sunset staring at a waving tree and have absolutely no way of explaining it to anyone. It's so frustrating. I can't even articulate myself right now.

And there's this fucking sense of distance that seemingly nothing can cross. Or maybe it's a mask that I can't take off. I have no idea.

I have family and a small group of friends who love and care about me but while I'm interacting with them even while outwardly having completely different emotions, at my absolute center I'll often be a million miles away. There, I don't know if they're even real or if I care about them or anything at all.

Does anyone else have issues with an extremely vibrant inner world that they can't mesh with the dullness of reality that's contributing to CTB ideation? Or just being unable to articulate their very rapid / complex thoughts in general?

 

[dental]

can't provide much advice or articulate my own thoughts very clearly rn (ironically), but i just want to say i absolutely get this and it made me feel a bit more seen reading this if that counts for anything? this phenomenon seems to create so much inherent distance between myself and others that it really is a reason i'm planning to ctb, too.

i also have the autism/adhd combo, and it does feel like that's a major factor in this feeling. and of course, i also just spent so long writing and deleting sentences trying to describe my own experience with what you've described, and i just genuinely could not find the words – i guess all i have to show for it is my word that i know exactly what you mean.

it really is painful not being able to express the depths of your thoughts and feelings. it hurts when people dismiss them just because you can't find the right words to communicate them, and it's so lonely feeling like those things will only ever be kept inside because you don't know how to let them out, or turn them into a form that can be understood by others. it hurts, and i wish i had a positive spin to put on this but i'm also sleep deprived – just went on this whole ramble because i resonated very strongly with this.

 

[sugarb]

can't provide much advice or articulate my own thoughts very clearly rn (ironically), but i just want to say i absolutely get this and it made me feel a bit more seen reading this if that counts for anything? this phenomenon seems to create so much inherent distance between myself and others that it really is a reason i'm planning to ctb, too.

i also have the autism/adhd combo, and it does feel like that's a major factor in this feeling. and of course, i also just spent so long writing and deleting sentences trying to describe my own experience with what you've described, and i just genuinely could not find the words – i guess all i have to show for it is my word that i know exactly what you mean.

it really is painful not being able to express the depths of your thoughts and feelings. it hurts when people dismiss them just because you can't find the right words to communicate them, and it's so lonely feeling like those things will only ever be kept inside because you don't know how to let them out, or turn them into a form that can be understood by others. it hurts, and i wish i had a positive spin to put on this but i'm also sleep deprived – just went on this whole ramble because i resonated very strongly with this.

I'm simultaneously really happy that I'm not the only one with this and sad because I wouldn't wish it on anyone :,)

My biggest hope for whatever comes after this life (if something comes after) is that I'll be able to realize all my ideas to the fullest extent. I think that'd be wonderful

Full disclosure, I totally stalked your post history >.>
That said- I have the exact same situation with my younger brother. Best friends since forever and he doesn't have anyone else.

anyway

Thank you for rambling with me! <3