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Wormfood
I like people... I said it
- May 23, 2022
- 131
In the past four years I've never kept a job longer than six months. In fact I'm lucky if I hold the job for three months. What usually happens is that the jobs I hold take a toll on my mental health.
I once found a with healthy people but I was so stressed by the job responsibilities I had a nervous breakdown. I had to leave that job.
I find many workplaces toxic because of the people that work there or the policies that screw over people.
In the past I wasn't very assertive so when a boss would disrespect me I would take it quietly and suppress my rage for the sake of my job. I would take the disrespect till I'm boiling with rage then I'd quit before I become violent. My family members see me hopping from job to job and they think I'm confused or that I don't want to work but it's this rage. I don't think a boss who is arrogant and aggressive or who is a narcissist will be very welcoming of assertiveness. I think I'd get fired. If not immediately then eventually. Not before they ruin my mental health.
I don't believe in God or an afterlife. I believe that life is meaningless. When I'm miserable suicide is the first thing that pops into my mind. I use various forms of escapism such as movies and video games to avoid facing how awful people can be. I can't take it. A 10 year old girl was raped and killed in the area where I live. It was all over the news. I accepted it intellectually but even now I don't accept it emotionally. I think I'd be a mess if I allowed it to register emotionally. When I see that someone is intentionally causing me to be miserable I get into a rage. I'm not sure what I would do if I remain in the same environment as them. I tend to have some very violent fantasies and I seem to be desensitized to a lot of gore. If someone makes me feel suicidal I see that as a good reason to employ violence. I resign before violence.
Now I am faced with the people who are closest to me experiencing compassion fatigue (burn out) and they are giving up on me. I fear that this will spread to everyone close to me.
Another issue that I have is I'm not motivated by money but by appreciation. There isn't any of that.
The idea of working for a boss that is a bully just to get a pay check is silly to me.
I don't really have much hope for the future. I used to want to get married and have kids but the world is unsafe and you are more likely to get struck by lightning twice than finding a good woman. I don't really see a future. I don't really have much things holding on to. I wish I could die in my sleep. I don't want to bring anyone pain but that's inevitable. I keep thinking about writing a suicide note but that would risk my plans being sabotaged.
I'm confused.
I once found a with healthy people but I was so stressed by the job responsibilities I had a nervous breakdown. I had to leave that job.
I find many workplaces toxic because of the people that work there or the policies that screw over people.
In the past I wasn't very assertive so when a boss would disrespect me I would take it quietly and suppress my rage for the sake of my job. I would take the disrespect till I'm boiling with rage then I'd quit before I become violent. My family members see me hopping from job to job and they think I'm confused or that I don't want to work but it's this rage. I don't think a boss who is arrogant and aggressive or who is a narcissist will be very welcoming of assertiveness. I think I'd get fired. If not immediately then eventually. Not before they ruin my mental health.
I don't believe in God or an afterlife. I believe that life is meaningless. When I'm miserable suicide is the first thing that pops into my mind. I use various forms of escapism such as movies and video games to avoid facing how awful people can be. I can't take it. A 10 year old girl was raped and killed in the area where I live. It was all over the news. I accepted it intellectually but even now I don't accept it emotionally. I think I'd be a mess if I allowed it to register emotionally. When I see that someone is intentionally causing me to be miserable I get into a rage. I'm not sure what I would do if I remain in the same environment as them. I tend to have some very violent fantasies and I seem to be desensitized to a lot of gore. If someone makes me feel suicidal I see that as a good reason to employ violence. I resign before violence.
Now I am faced with the people who are closest to me experiencing compassion fatigue (burn out) and they are giving up on me. I fear that this will spread to everyone close to me.
Another issue that I have is I'm not motivated by money but by appreciation. There isn't any of that.
The idea of working for a boss that is a bully just to get a pay check is silly to me.
I don't really have much hope for the future. I used to want to get married and have kids but the world is unsafe and you are more likely to get struck by lightning twice than finding a good woman. I don't really see a future. I don't really have much things holding on to. I wish I could die in my sleep. I don't want to bring anyone pain but that's inevitable. I keep thinking about writing a suicide note but that would risk my plans being sabotaged.
I'm confused.