I'm not Bipolar but BPD (though I've been misdiagnosed with Bipolar before) - I do crave the "elevated" states very much so over the cold depression.
For me, my mood shifts extremely and abruptly in response to external inputs (social interactions, financial, occupational, etc., situations).
It's like that input always goes through a massive amp system (think like a giant speaker for music) before it reaches me.
Now because my life has mostly sucked, I tend to get stuck in depressive ruts. Often lasting many months or even years.
They are endless. I hate them. Hopeless, lonely, deteriorating. Only outright escaping reality brings any comfort.
In them there is far too much executive dysfunction to handle any of the grindy tasks and long-term setup required to eventually find escape.
In contrast, if I have a sense of things being able to improve, real or imagined, my energy and enthusiasm surges.
I want to throw everything at this hope, to use that brief speck of light to make *real* progress, so that it can in theory snowball into lasting change.
Suddenly I'm sociable, smart, strong, brave, kind, awsome - anything I *need* to be. At least, in my mind I am, which somewhat translates outwards.
If I could get it to the point of exacting a rhythm in which I upkeep social, financial, occupational, educational, etc... while always making at least slight progress, in each field, I thought, I felt, that could be my escape to a sustainable life.
In the end I failed to exact any real long-term change, but man what I would give for one last round, one last bout, just one more 'manic' go at it.
All I do now is sink deeper and deeper into crushing depression and isolation, somehow trying to find the resolve to complete ctb, as it is the only realistic way out that is left.
Ultimately, I think they both suck, as in the elevated state I often become too arrogant, reckless, spendy, and struggle to ascertain reality in basically the reverse way than during the depression.
It's nice to have energy for once, but life is designed around consistent, long-term inputs (like how you get rewarded over a long period of time to stick with a degree, with a certain work place, with a certain community), which is hard to do appropriately when you typically assess things as either too positive or negative all the time and your energies are fleeting.
