Question for those with bipolar

[nicotine_goblin]

I'm sorry in advance if the question is insensitive but I'm genuinely curious. Do you crave those elevated states of mania/hypomania or would you rather have unipolar depression?
For context I have unipolar depression and sometimes I find myself wanting to feel elevated for a break, to the point of abusing antidepressants trying to cause that state. But I'm aware that mania can be very disruptive and also that the fall back to depression can be especially crushing

 

[SadPingu]

I have BP2. And it's common and is often my experience that the hypomania isn't euphoric. You feel anger, frustration, irritability. You want to pick fights with people just to get the built up emotions out. Don't get my wrong you can get the euphoric highs but they can express themselves in other ways too.

 

[nicotine_goblin]

I have BP2. And it's common and is often my experience that the hypomania isn't euphoric. You feel anger, frustration, irritability. You want to pick fights with people just to get the built up emotions out. Don't get my wrong you can get the euphoric highs but they can express themselves in other ways too.

Oh I see, thank you for the reply

 

[bpdbunnygirl]

I definitely crave the elevated states. I can't explain how great I feel when I'm manic. I feel like a God. I feel invincible. I feel like I can do anything. but yeah, the drop back down is so awful. I completely hit rock bottom after.

 

[LonelyKitten]

I'm not Bipolar but BPD (though I've been misdiagnosed with Bipolar before) - I do crave the "elevated" states very much so over the cold depression.
For me, my mood shifts extremely and abruptly in response to external inputs (social interactions, financial, occupational, etc., situations).
It's like that input always goes through a massive amp system (think like a giant speaker for music) before it reaches me.

Now because my life has mostly sucked, I tend to get stuck in depressive ruts. Often lasting many months or even years.
They are endless. I hate them. Hopeless, lonely, deteriorating. Only outright escaping reality brings any comfort.
In them there is far too much executive dysfunction to handle any of the grindy tasks and long-term setup required to eventually find escape.

In contrast, if I have a sense of things being able to improve, real or imagined, my energy and enthusiasm surges.
I want to throw everything at this hope, to use that brief speck of light to make *real* progress, so that it can in theory snowball into lasting change.
Suddenly I'm sociable, smart, strong, brave, kind, awsome - anything I *need* to be. At least, in my mind I am, which somewhat translates outwards.
If I could get it to the point of exacting a rhythm in which I upkeep social, financial, occupational, educational, etc... while always making at least slight progress, in each field, I thought, I felt, that could be my escape to a sustainable life.

In the end I failed to exact any real long-term change, but man what I would give for one last round, one last bout, just one more 'manic' go at it.
All I do now is sink deeper and deeper into crushing depression and isolation, somehow trying to find the resolve to complete ctb, as it is the only realistic way out that is left.

Ultimately, I think they both suck, as in the elevated state I often become too arrogant, reckless, spendy, and struggle to ascertain reality in basically the reverse way than during the depression.
It's nice to have energy for once, but life is designed around consistent, long-term inputs (like how you get rewarded over a long period of time to stick with a degree, with a certain work place, with a certain community), which is hard to do appropriately when you typically assess things as either too positive or negative all the time and your energies are fleeting.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

It can be nice to feel that buzz of energy from mania but I find for me this energy makes me feel so wound up like a grenade ready to burst. I get so irritable and frustrated. The high can be great but it can be aimless and dangerous if it causes me to give in to my demons. Especially hypersexuality and gambling.

But if I think about it for long enough if I didn't have those hypomanic or manic parts of me I'd be a complete depressive mess. My depression is resistant to medication so it lingers always. So I'll get a lot of mixed episodes. It feels so crazy. It makes me feel so crazy.

I don't want to be a zombie. I don't want to be a junky either. But it's hard. Constantly shifting. I'd rather just not have BD.

 

[Morgengrauen]

While being in a major depressive episode sure, i really do crave the (hypo)mania euphoria, to feel like a god and not be crushed by the unbearable pain. But while in it it's more exhausting, especially since the past years i started to develop full blown manic episodes with psychotic features and generally are more prone to mixed episodes/the mood shifting to a complete nightmare instead of euphoric. So even if i get the rare week of hypomanic bliss i can't really enjoy my "vaccation" anymore going bananas since i'm more occupied with trying to not cross the critical red line spiraling out of control.

 

[sserafim]

Is there no state of in between in bipolar? Like a neutral state?

 

[nicotine_goblin]

Is there no state of in between in bipolar? Like a neutral state?

As far as I know there can be remissions between episodes, yes

 

[drennedrat]

I miss feeling how I did before I had a manic psychotic episode that got me diagnosed. I'd prefer to be depressed because I have control over my actions, everything I've done while manic is cringeworthy at best. I felt relatively happy and normal before my episode. But now I'm deeply depressed and ashamed of everything I've done and in order to prevent another manic episode I'd rather check out of this life completely. Bipolar 1 with psychotic features basically has periods of time where you're schizophrenic and it's my biggest fear to break from reality again. I'm just done

 

[nicotine_goblin]

I miss feeling how I did before I had a manic psychotic episode that got me diagnosed. I'd prefer to be depressed because I have control over my actions, everything I've done while manic is cringeworthy at best. I felt relatively happy and normal before my episode. But now I'm deeply depressed and ashamed of everything I've done and in order to prevent another manic episode I'd rather check out of this life completely. Bipolar 1 with psychotic features basically has periods of time where you're schizophrenic and it's my biggest fear to break from reality again. I'm just done

Psychosis seems horrifying, I'm sorry that you're burdened with that kind of illness. I'm really afraid of having a psychotic depressive episode, or developing bipolar

 

[valoristic]

I was diagnosed with BP1 and yes, sometimes I do crave the feeling of being on top of the world. I always feel guilty coming out of it and always seem to black out and do something shitty. I don't even understand why I crave the mania but, I do. It makes sense just wanted to catch a break from the pure depression running through your veins so, craving anything other than that is perfectly normal. I do it too lol. I'd rather feel manic than depressed.

 

[ElectroshockBlues]

I have BP2. And it's common and is often my experience that the hypomania isn't euphoric. You feel anger, frustration, irritability. You want to pick fights with people just to get the built up emotions out. Don't get my wrong you can get the euphoric highs but they can express themselves in other ways too.

I am in the exact same boat, I only got officially diagnosed recently even though they tried to diagnose me at 9 years old. Now that I know what it is and what the symptoms are it makes a whole lot of sense. This shit is hard