hopemeetshopeless
Member
- Sep 20, 2024
- 41
I've decided (really don't have much of a choice at this point) to postpone CTB. I tried and failed a few months ago to follow through. I tried and failed again last week. I don't want to be alive, and no part of me is afraid of being dead. I'm just afraid of the act itself, the actual going to the gun store. Buying another gun again, and going through this whole process again of putting it in my mouth everyday just hoping, praying to a god that I don't even believe in that I can muster up the courage even if just for one split second, enough to override my SI and end my suffering permanently.
I am a coward. I fail at everything, even my own suicide attempt. The anger and hatred I feel towards myself for not being able to neither fix or end my life. It's almost like in a certain sense my own mental illness saved me from my own suicidality, which was caused by my mental illness. What I mean by that is that I'm so depressed and anxious that even getting out of bed to go to the gun store, walk in, interact with the employees, have to take a bus or uber etc. all of these things I couldn't even do because of my depression and anxiety, yet that is what caused me to be suicidal in the first place. A vicious cycle of being trapped.. frozen.. stagnate. Unable to act, or really even think in any coherent or productive way.
I am alone. I essentially have no family. Only my Dad who lives thousands of miles away with his new family. He helps with some things financially here and there when I'm in a really tough spot, but outside of that, he essentially provides no support whatsoever as far as my mental health issues. Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate the help he has been able to give, but I wish he cared more and tried harder to be there for me if I'm being honest. I have no friends. I used to but they all have abandoned me and ceased contact. There is literally no one in my life who checks on me. No one calls. No one texts. Ever. I try to message people that were my friends, people that used to talk with me every day about all kinds of things. No one ever responds. I'll text 2 or 3 times spaced out over some time, and if you don't respond I'll just stop trying at that point. I get left on read. Ghosted. By the people that used to be very close to me. I haven't changed. I'm the same person I always was but everyone just stopped making any effort whatsoever to try to maintain a relationship with me. If I didn't use my phone for youtube, internet, music and emergencies I'd more than likely just cancel my phone, because literally no one ever checks on me, reaches out, tries to hang out or even responds to any effort I make to communicate.
I think about this all day, everyday. "How did I end up like this" I ask myself. I try to be honest and self aware with myself. "Did I change? Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something to cause everyone to hate me?". I can find no such offense in myself. I'm not saying I'm perfect or the most awesome person in the world to be around, I certainly am extremely aware that I am not. It's just hard for me to put my finger on what I actually did or how I changed that caused no one to want to want to be in my life anymore. Because that's the thing, there WERE people in my life. I HAD friends before. We USED to enjoy each others company, send each other jokes and funny videos everyday, hang out and watch stuff or go to events sometimes. And the thing is I can still see all of these people interacting without me. I see their social media posts. Going to events, still no invite received.
In the extremely rare instances that anyone does ever respond, which is maybe 5% of the time (and again keep in mind, I'm not spamming these people with messages all day) they might respond once and then stop. Or they will make plans with me and then go ghost. It's happened more times than I can count.
Anyways, I'm sorry for ranting about this. I guess part of my point is: I don't understand why people that aren't depressed or suicidal can't understand why it's so hard to understand why a person who has been alone, whose friends have all abandoned them, and genuinely has no one at all in their life or any close meaningful relationships would find it logical and justified to end their own life. Because if I'm honest with myself, nothing really matters but connection to me. I could become a rockstar, or a millionaire, or an accomplished writer or whatever and it would all be meaningless to me if I didn't have people I love, that loved me as is to share my experiences and joy with. I hate being alone. I don't want to go to a movie alone. I don't want to go on a hike alone. I don't want to go to a concert alone. I want to share the things I love with people I love, and when you have none of that, and you haven't had it for an extremely extended time, it robs you of your hope.
There are a ton of reasons that I am suicidal. There are a few major ones and uncountable "minor" ones. Yet, I truly believe that if I had friendship, even if just one actual real, genuine, meaningful and valuable friendship with at least 1 person, that it would be enough to sustain me from wanting to not exist. But I don't. I truly don't have anyone in my life that gives any effort to show that they give af if I'm still alive or not. And it fucking hurts. Yeah there's other things I'd like that would help, A gf, a car, a house, a job I liked, my back not to be broken etc. etc. But those things are not as easy to attain as friendships have seemed to come along for me in the past.
Sorry, this might have not been the most coherent writing. I'm just kind of writing whatever comes to mind. If you've endured in reading this far I appreciate every second you spent here. I'll still be lurking and posting here, but probably not as much as I was. And I will probably be more on the recovery forum for the time being than the Suicide discussion one which is where I've been spending most of my time so far. I'm no less suicidal. I still desperately want to die. I also desperately want to live though. I think almost all if not all of you understand this very well. I feel so seen and understood here. The only other place I've felt this seen and understood was 1 therapist I had before for a few sessions. But you all have helped me a lot even if indirectly. I value this safe space very, very much. It is important that something like this exists.
But, like I was saying, I wanted to and still want to ctb. I just have come to the point of honesty and acceptance after trying several times and failing now that I just simply do not have the courage or will to follow through yet. So, for now I'm here and if I'm going to be here I'm gonna have to figure out how to not freeze to death this winter from being homeless if I don't get a job soon. So I might as well try to fix my life with whatever ways I can in the meantime. It's a daily battle. and I virtually almost ALWAY lose. But I keep on waking up whether I like it or not. So I need to act. I'm trying to take extremely small baby steps to regain basic self care again. I really left myself and my life go. I think I was subconsciously thinking that if I just let my life get bad enough that it would put me in a situation where it didn't matter if I had the courage or not, that I'd ctb because there wasn't any other choice at some point. But it didn't work. I failed as usual, and I hate myself for it.
So onwards for now, as if I'm going to be here I might as well keep trying every way I can to at least keep my head above water. CTB isn't off the table but I can't just keep laying in bed for weeks if I don't have the courage to do it yet. Thanks for reading, thanks for all of you and the compassion you all show here daily.
I am a coward. I fail at everything, even my own suicide attempt. The anger and hatred I feel towards myself for not being able to neither fix or end my life. It's almost like in a certain sense my own mental illness saved me from my own suicidality, which was caused by my mental illness. What I mean by that is that I'm so depressed and anxious that even getting out of bed to go to the gun store, walk in, interact with the employees, have to take a bus or uber etc. all of these things I couldn't even do because of my depression and anxiety, yet that is what caused me to be suicidal in the first place. A vicious cycle of being trapped.. frozen.. stagnate. Unable to act, or really even think in any coherent or productive way.
I am alone. I essentially have no family. Only my Dad who lives thousands of miles away with his new family. He helps with some things financially here and there when I'm in a really tough spot, but outside of that, he essentially provides no support whatsoever as far as my mental health issues. Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate the help he has been able to give, but I wish he cared more and tried harder to be there for me if I'm being honest. I have no friends. I used to but they all have abandoned me and ceased contact. There is literally no one in my life who checks on me. No one calls. No one texts. Ever. I try to message people that were my friends, people that used to talk with me every day about all kinds of things. No one ever responds. I'll text 2 or 3 times spaced out over some time, and if you don't respond I'll just stop trying at that point. I get left on read. Ghosted. By the people that used to be very close to me. I haven't changed. I'm the same person I always was but everyone just stopped making any effort whatsoever to try to maintain a relationship with me. If I didn't use my phone for youtube, internet, music and emergencies I'd more than likely just cancel my phone, because literally no one ever checks on me, reaches out, tries to hang out or even responds to any effort I make to communicate.
I think about this all day, everyday. "How did I end up like this" I ask myself. I try to be honest and self aware with myself. "Did I change? Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something to cause everyone to hate me?". I can find no such offense in myself. I'm not saying I'm perfect or the most awesome person in the world to be around, I certainly am extremely aware that I am not. It's just hard for me to put my finger on what I actually did or how I changed that caused no one to want to want to be in my life anymore. Because that's the thing, there WERE people in my life. I HAD friends before. We USED to enjoy each others company, send each other jokes and funny videos everyday, hang out and watch stuff or go to events sometimes. And the thing is I can still see all of these people interacting without me. I see their social media posts. Going to events, still no invite received.
In the extremely rare instances that anyone does ever respond, which is maybe 5% of the time (and again keep in mind, I'm not spamming these people with messages all day) they might respond once and then stop. Or they will make plans with me and then go ghost. It's happened more times than I can count.
Anyways, I'm sorry for ranting about this. I guess part of my point is: I don't understand why people that aren't depressed or suicidal can't understand why it's so hard to understand why a person who has been alone, whose friends have all abandoned them, and genuinely has no one at all in their life or any close meaningful relationships would find it logical and justified to end their own life. Because if I'm honest with myself, nothing really matters but connection to me. I could become a rockstar, or a millionaire, or an accomplished writer or whatever and it would all be meaningless to me if I didn't have people I love, that loved me as is to share my experiences and joy with. I hate being alone. I don't want to go to a movie alone. I don't want to go on a hike alone. I don't want to go to a concert alone. I want to share the things I love with people I love, and when you have none of that, and you haven't had it for an extremely extended time, it robs you of your hope.
There are a ton of reasons that I am suicidal. There are a few major ones and uncountable "minor" ones. Yet, I truly believe that if I had friendship, even if just one actual real, genuine, meaningful and valuable friendship with at least 1 person, that it would be enough to sustain me from wanting to not exist. But I don't. I truly don't have anyone in my life that gives any effort to show that they give af if I'm still alive or not. And it fucking hurts. Yeah there's other things I'd like that would help, A gf, a car, a house, a job I liked, my back not to be broken etc. etc. But those things are not as easy to attain as friendships have seemed to come along for me in the past.
Sorry, this might have not been the most coherent writing. I'm just kind of writing whatever comes to mind. If you've endured in reading this far I appreciate every second you spent here. I'll still be lurking and posting here, but probably not as much as I was. And I will probably be more on the recovery forum for the time being than the Suicide discussion one which is where I've been spending most of my time so far. I'm no less suicidal. I still desperately want to die. I also desperately want to live though. I think almost all if not all of you understand this very well. I feel so seen and understood here. The only other place I've felt this seen and understood was 1 therapist I had before for a few sessions. But you all have helped me a lot even if indirectly. I value this safe space very, very much. It is important that something like this exists.
But, like I was saying, I wanted to and still want to ctb. I just have come to the point of honesty and acceptance after trying several times and failing now that I just simply do not have the courage or will to follow through yet. So, for now I'm here and if I'm going to be here I'm gonna have to figure out how to not freeze to death this winter from being homeless if I don't get a job soon. So I might as well try to fix my life with whatever ways I can in the meantime. It's a daily battle. and I virtually almost ALWAY lose. But I keep on waking up whether I like it or not. So I need to act. I'm trying to take extremely small baby steps to regain basic self care again. I really left myself and my life go. I think I was subconsciously thinking that if I just let my life get bad enough that it would put me in a situation where it didn't matter if I had the courage or not, that I'd ctb because there wasn't any other choice at some point. But it didn't work. I failed as usual, and I hate myself for it.
So onwards for now, as if I'm going to be here I might as well keep trying every way I can to at least keep my head above water. CTB isn't off the table but I can't just keep laying in bed for weeks if I don't have the courage to do it yet. Thanks for reading, thanks for all of you and the compassion you all show here daily.
