pushing people away

[hellworldprincess]

Are you ever mean to a person you´re close to just to realize how inconsiderate you were being right after?

I do this regularly and I´m not really sure why. I guess I´m uncontiously trying to push them away so they don´t tie me to this world but it never really does anything except making both of us feel bad.
When I´ve willingly tried to make myself push anyone away on purpose, it didn´t work because I never went through with it. So why should I be able to do so without intending (or even wanting) it in these situations?

Or maybe what´s leading me to be mean is just my stubborn nature. But that doesn´t quite fit with feeling bad and knowing what I did wrong right after.

Do you know yourself or anyone else to do similar things?

 

[SpaceAlien]

I relate to this a lot. I do it constantly. I'm no expert but for me I think it's a couple of things. I think I feel a lot of resentment towards the people closest to me for not being able to see how much I'm suffering inside even though I know it's irrational and they're not psychic. I also think like you said, I'm trying to push them away because of my suicidality. I'm not sure if it's the same for you but I've been a very reactive person with my words ever since I was a young child. I was bullied a lot but always stood up for myself so I think I learned to be kind of standoffish and sometimes mean when speaking to people even if they weren't doing anything wrong. I always feel bad about it as soon as I've said it. I wish I wasn't like this but yeah, I relate to this a lot.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Definitely relate, even my partner doesnt fully know everything. Nor do any of my friends save one who confessed similar feelings around having autonomy and choice to exit etc first. But I've effectively alienated and isolated myself bc some par T of me thinks that if there's distance it wont hurt so badly for them for as long. I tell myself often that the world would be better off without me in it.

 

[hellworldprincess]

I think I feel a lot of resentment towards the people closest to me for not being able to see how much I'm suffering inside even though I know it's irrational and they're not psychic. I also think like you said, I'm trying to push them away because of my suicidality.

This makes a lot of sense to me as well. But the people around me are kind of aware of my situation, so I don´t know why I need them to understand even more without providing the details that would require.

Definitely relate, even my partner doesnt fully know everything. Nor do any of my friends save one who confessed similar feelings around having autonomy and choice to exit etc first. But I've effectively alienated and isolated myself bc some par T of me thinks that if there's distance it wont hurt so badly for them for as long. I tell myself often that the world would be better off without me in it.

I´m sorry and I hope that you can at least talk more openly to that one friend.

I´ve also done the distancing thing to all of my ability. But having my partner whom I don´t want to hurt under any circumstances is an even bigger reason not to CTB. How do you deal with these issues in the context of your relationship? And how unaware is your partner?

I hope I´m not overstepping any boundaries, feel free not to answer my question.