DandiFynalicious
Existence is Pain
- Dec 18, 2023
- 24
More verbal diarrhea. I am not sure what I want to do anymore.
I'm thinking about obtaining insulin, going out to the woods, shooting up, and waiting for my bus.
It is part of a plan I've had a long time. I'm too chicken shit to do anything brave like burn myself to death.
My ED won't ED if anything it's turned into a binge disorder so slowly starving to death hasn't been working out. I always just get so hungry my body walks me to food and forces me to eat when I'm half conscious. My stupid body really wants to survive.
I started to tell my therapist yesterday but I couldn't see in her face that I would end up getting committed. She seemed ... annoyed? I feel like I failed her. I was making progress and then some stuff has happened in my life and in the world that have made things much worse.
My health is starting to really fail. Decades of mental anguish take a toll on the body. They don't talk about that when they talk about depression and I don't understand why. It physically hurts to carry this misery. Years of pain add up.
So when is it time? Why does my blood turn to ice when I think of that point of no return? Will I panic? I don't want to die afraid and struggling.
Again and again I wish I could seek medical aid in dying.
Coming out helped so much I didn't want to die for a while and I really thought maybe I had figured out the thing what was killing me. Turns out 30+ years of being sad and wishing you'd die leaves permanent scars.
I quit meds several months ago. I break down about once a month which is the same rate as when I was on meds only now at least I can rub one out now and then.
I thought about reaching out to 988 but they can't help me because they have to encourage me to live and will try to help me feel better. They mean well but talking to them is a band aid on a gaping wound. My doctor would just tut tut and say I should take meds and don't I know I have a chronic illness that needs medication? It's no shame to need meds and blah blah blah....
...no. I don't want to take meds. Therapy is just as if not more helpful than meds. At least my therapist can tell me if I am making progress based on notes and goals and such.
My therapist is leaving the practice and I'm kind of glad because I want a therapist who is an atheist and was thinking of moving on anyway. I'm sick of people who believe in woowoo telling me I'm the crazy one for wanting to die. I'm not the person who thinks the universe will just manifest shit because I reeeeeeaaaaally want it to.
I tend towards avoidance in attachment. At least I think that is the type I resemble. People come and go and I don't try to hold on to them. There are three people in the world I care enough about to stay alive for and that excuse is wearing thin and I'm pulling away from those people because I've come to realize they are keeping me alive and ... I don't want that. So I have to alienate them in order to shake off the bonds of life.
I think once my roommate leaves for work I will go obtain that insulin. I have everything else I need. All I need to do is find a place to do it. I can set up a little camp so I look like a homeless person sleeping rough if anyone finds me so they'll probably leave me alone until I start to stink.
Even if I don't catch the bus today I'm getting a little closer to the station.
I'm thinking about obtaining insulin, going out to the woods, shooting up, and waiting for my bus.
It is part of a plan I've had a long time. I'm too chicken shit to do anything brave like burn myself to death.
My ED won't ED if anything it's turned into a binge disorder so slowly starving to death hasn't been working out. I always just get so hungry my body walks me to food and forces me to eat when I'm half conscious. My stupid body really wants to survive.
I started to tell my therapist yesterday but I couldn't see in her face that I would end up getting committed. She seemed ... annoyed? I feel like I failed her. I was making progress and then some stuff has happened in my life and in the world that have made things much worse.
My health is starting to really fail. Decades of mental anguish take a toll on the body. They don't talk about that when they talk about depression and I don't understand why. It physically hurts to carry this misery. Years of pain add up.
So when is it time? Why does my blood turn to ice when I think of that point of no return? Will I panic? I don't want to die afraid and struggling.
Again and again I wish I could seek medical aid in dying.
Coming out helped so much I didn't want to die for a while and I really thought maybe I had figured out the thing what was killing me. Turns out 30+ years of being sad and wishing you'd die leaves permanent scars.
I quit meds several months ago. I break down about once a month which is the same rate as when I was on meds only now at least I can rub one out now and then.
I thought about reaching out to 988 but they can't help me because they have to encourage me to live and will try to help me feel better. They mean well but talking to them is a band aid on a gaping wound. My doctor would just tut tut and say I should take meds and don't I know I have a chronic illness that needs medication? It's no shame to need meds and blah blah blah....
...no. I don't want to take meds. Therapy is just as if not more helpful than meds. At least my therapist can tell me if I am making progress based on notes and goals and such.
My therapist is leaving the practice and I'm kind of glad because I want a therapist who is an atheist and was thinking of moving on anyway. I'm sick of people who believe in woowoo telling me I'm the crazy one for wanting to die. I'm not the person who thinks the universe will just manifest shit because I reeeeeeaaaaally want it to.
I tend towards avoidance in attachment. At least I think that is the type I resemble. People come and go and I don't try to hold on to them. There are three people in the world I care enough about to stay alive for and that excuse is wearing thin and I'm pulling away from those people because I've come to realize they are keeping me alive and ... I don't want that. So I have to alienate them in order to shake off the bonds of life.
I think once my roommate leaves for work I will go obtain that insulin. I have everything else I need. All I need to do is find a place to do it. I can set up a little camp so I look like a homeless person sleeping rough if anyone finds me so they'll probably leave me alone until I start to stink.
Even if I don't catch the bus today I'm getting a little closer to the station.
