Pure hell

[Nem]

Well, happy Valentine's Day everyone. I've been near death for so long it's pathetic that I'm still around. I have most of the supplies needed to ctb and it's been tough because a close friend told me they would be devastated if I killed myself.
What the heck should I do now? I can't keep living in this hell and pretending I'm going to get better. Does anyone else feel they are sticking around so that they don't hurt anyone by their leaving this hell?
Peace/hugs

 

[one4all]

To sum it up in one word. YEP!

 

[Chalken]

Definitely. I am alive because I don't want to hurt others. I wonder how long that will last.

 

[LMLN]

Yes. It's so hard to stay, but knowing I would devastate my family keeps me here for now. I imagine when it is time I would be able to go through with it regardless.

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

You are all good people for deciding not to ctb to save your family or loved ones

Valentine's Day sucks if you're single but just because things suck temporary doesn't mean they will forever

 

[MysticPerception]

The psychiatrist asked me what my main reason for being alive was before they let me go. I said my family. I'm not even sure if I was telling the truth but I don't want to hurt them after they all visited me in the hospital. So I understand the feeling at least.

 

[Itsbeenreal]

The only reason I'm still here is because of the pain I'll inflict on my family if I ctb. Especially my mom. I almost did it today then she sent me a sweet Valentine's message which absolutely broke my heart. On one hand I'm so unhappy but on the other leaving would destroy my loved ones.

 

[LMLN]

The psychiatrist asked me what my main reason for being alive was before they let me go. I said my family. I'm not even sure if I was telling the truth but I don't want to hurt them after they all visited me in the hospital. So I understand the feeling at least.

That's what makes a failed attempt so much worse. I'm sorry you went through that.
I felt so bad and guilty seeing the reaction of my family. I was scolded and shamed too! :(

 

[S1mpleme]

Well, happy Valentine's Day everyone. I've been near death for so long it's pathetic that I'm still around. I have most of the supplies needed to ctb and it's been tough because a close friend told me they would be devastated if I killed myself.
What the heck should I do now? I can't keep living in this hell and pretending I'm going to get better. Does anyone else feel they are sticking around so that they don't hurt anyone by their leaving this hell?
Peace/hugs❤

Maybe you won't get better but you already have something- close friend. It's up to you if you want to be with your friend in this life or alone in darkness.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Ah Nem I'm sorry you are still suffering. It's good though that you do have a friend.

 

[Epsilon0]

Yes, my family and a few close friends are a big deterrent.

It's such a paradox: on the one hand these relationships, though genuine and beautiful, do not fulfill me or ease my anguish and are, therefore, in a sense, meaningless; on the other I cannot ctb because I feel responsible towards the people in my life who care about me.

 

[Nem]

Maybe you won't get better but you already have something- close friend. It's up to you if you want to be with your friend in this life or alone in darkness.

I'm feeling alone and in darkness now, can't see much of a difference

 

[thecountdown]

I don't know if this makes me a bad person but I don't have those feelings anymore, although I don't want to do it in the home I'm living in. My issue is getting the money for supplies and moving out, and getting the courage to actually go through with it. I think it's because I've reached a hopelessness that has overcome those feelings.

 

[S1mpleme]

I'm feeling alone and in darkness now, can't see much of a difference

There is a huge difference between death and life, but being dead you won't see that difference. Just allow yourself some time with your friend, I know you feel lonely, but how about your friend? Please don't forget about your friend's feelings, maybe you're whole world for your friend.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

If I ctb one of my best friends who also struggles from depression will surely kill himself and I can't ever and never want to be the source of someone else's pain. He is one of the reasons I'm still here but it also makes my life a living hell. I understand what you're going through

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Well, happy Valentine's Day everyone. I've been near death for so long it's pathetic that I'm still around. I have most of the supplies needed to ctb and it's been tough because a close friend told me they would be devastated if I killed myself.
What the heck should I do now? I can't keep living in this hell and pretending I'm going to get better. Does anyone else feel they are sticking around so that they don't hurt anyone by their leaving this hell?
Peace/hugs❤

Hi Nem,
I have the same dilemma … I'm mostly concerned for my parents and family. I have a few friends that will be hurt but in time I believe they will get over it. They have other friends and family. I've mentioned this before that I did tell a friend of mine I wanted to die a few years ago and he got upset. Not enough to text me a hello every once in a while … unless I send him a text first. Perhaps I will be missed a little more when I'm gone ... I don't know.

I don't really have any good advice but it really sucks to just exist so others won't be in pain.

You are all good people for deciding not to ctb to save your family or loved ones

Valentine's Day sucks if you're single but just because things suck temporary doesn't mean they will forever

It won't suck anymore after I'm gone.

 

[Nem]

There is a huge difference between death and life, but being dead you won't see that difference. Just allow yourself some time with your friend, I know you feel lonely, but how about your friend? Please don't forget about your friend's feelings, maybe you're whole world for your friend.

I can see the difference between life and death, it boils down to suffering and no suffering. I know some pro life people see it differently and my friend knows I'm suffering but they're not in my shoes and can't truly appreciate the hell ive been going through
Peace/hugs

 

[AlreadyGone]

I understand

I don't know if this makes me a bad person but I don't have those feelings anymore, although I don't want to do it in the home I'm living in. My issue is getting the money for supplies and moving out, and getting the courage to actually go through with it. I think it's because I've reached a hopelessness that has overcome those feelings.

I agree as well. I am at a point where I do not care about staying alive to make other people happy. I am not happy, but they are. They will eventually move on as all people do and I will be at peace from my suffering.