KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
Having ptsd is one of the worst torments you can conceive, because not only did you have to endure the original trauma, but now you get to the rest of your life essentially being frozen in the past, whilst simeltanously being told off for not getting better or manifesting an unattainable future. It's a constant feedback loop of stress, a carousel of misery you can never stop riding.
The public severely overestimates the amount and quality of "treatments" available for people who have suffered complex trauma. If you're like me, the best you'll get offered is CBT, breathing exercises, and encouragement to write a journal. Exposure and replaying the memories, or trying to pry out the lack of solid recollections, was also just as useless albeit far more painful.
There truly is no gold standard treatment out there, it's all exercises of futile mental gymnastics, sugar-coated and ensconced in sophisticated sounding word salad like, "The healing process" or "Trauma informed somatic internal family systems body work" that make people believe there's an ounce of credibility and scientific rigor behind any of it. No offense to anyone who personally finds benefit from these things, but I view them as more of a spiritual practice than a scientific one backed by evidence in the way most medical science is.
In my case, I have been traumatized since I was 5 years old. I cannot remember a life before I was like this. Fear, embarrassment, loneliness, failure, and dread have been my closest companions since day one. It was already hard enough having no mother, and a father who spent more time drinking than with his kid (until his reckleness got him killed, of course) but the way I was humiliated and neglected during childhood- and even adulthood- truly sealed my fate.
Growing up, I didn't understand why others weren't terrified of doctors, or felt "funny" in medical environments. I started displaying absurd sexual behaviour as a small child after I was made to strip and have numerous "examinations" without my consent that I cant even remember fully because I was so young. It evoked the same feeling I had during the period of my life where older guy at my school whom I liked and had a crush on started molesting me. At that time, I was an autistic 14 year old who didn't even know what sex was.
My entire life has been molded and shaped by sexual abuse. No one truly understands how much even a five minute act can alter the course of your life forever. I have been raped, had unwanted sexual advances and assaults around half a dozen times, and was being sexually abused by my "kinky" ex boyfriend for long periods of time where he would force me to take anal or shove ice inside me for his sadistic pleasure. He never shouted or yelled at me, never got physically violent, but took pleasure in hurting me sexually.
Understandably, I am fucked up from all of this. By far though, the events that went down in my childhood have corrupted me the most and forever tainted my sexuality, personality, and happiness. Yet, this is what people remain the most ignorant of. It is a bit easier for someone to understand why I felt violated when my ex hurt me, or when a friend of that group raped me, but it's nearly impossible for anyone to fathom that medical staff and my family paved the road to hell for me the most.
For some reason, trauma often gets weighed on a scale of what is "worse" (AKA more violent and disturbing) and thus more deserving of sympathy. Where I grew up, PTSD was a word only used for survivors of violent warfare. It took me until adulthood to get the actual label on the books, because of how braindead the culture was surrounding trauma.
It was normal to be whipped and lashed with a belt until you had marks all over you, as I was punished this way as a child, and so was my mother, my father, their parents, etc. Violence and domestic disputes were complace and seen as unavoidable aspects of family life, unless they escalated to the point of seriously endangering someone. Fighting was even sometimes glorified, as it meant you had a tough, take no shit from anyone attitude.
When my father got angry enough to smash things all over the house, that was normal. When his mother insulted you and called you a psycho faggot, that was normal. When my aunt told me, a little child, that I was horrible and lazy and threatened to throw me outside and tell my grandmother I was gay to get her to disown me, that was normal.
My family was allowed to emotionally torture me for years because we share DNA. I had to love them no matter what, because they were my flesh and blood, my kin. Even today, I cant stand watching wholesome family films, because it just makes me angry and bitter that I don't have any family, and never will. It reminds me of how my family locked me away for 2 years as a young teenager, no school, no socialising, and essentially turned me into a waster suicidal NEET during one of the most crucial periods of development.
So yeah, I'm traumatized in a way that others fundamentally can't relate to. Not just because of the constant abuse and neglect from my family, but because of whatever happened to me in those clinics as a child. Ever since that happened, I have a visceral fear of medical environments, the equipment, the people working there, the sights, the smells. It feels violating and it always will.
Not a single person on this planet can fathom or comprehend that. Even when I explained to my own partners that my sexual development was stunted and I could only involuntarily get aroused by seeing things that remind me of that medical trauma, they never managed to wrap their heads around this. I have never truly felt attraction to sexual charactistics or the act itself in ways that other people can. I can make myself enjoy sex, but it's not sensual or pleasurable in a lustful sense. Never took the aphrodisiac pill.
Now, this has really complicated my life more than anything else, because I have a lot of health problems. As a child, I had to be dragged kicking, screaming, and crying to be in any medical environment. Every single time I was forced to do these things, the wounds deepened and the fear compounded because it was violating to be forced. I have been told over and over again that this is a normal part of life, and that it doesn't bother other people, that I must have delusions, because everyone else can handle medical matters just fine.
I got sexually assaulted by a doctor again a couple years ago, every time I think about it I freeze up and want to burst into tears. My boyfriend has had to be the advocate for me for years now because I physically cannot communicate with doctors or stand up for myself. They usually do nothing but bully, coerce, and refuse to listen to me, my thoughts, and my boundaries. I have to avoid these fuckers at all costs because they do nothing but trigger me and haven't really done anything tangible to help me in the past 6 years I've been having chronic health prohlems.
Because my trauma stems from a doctor violating me, it is seen as somehow not that bad, fake, made up, and all sorts of pejoratives. People don't understand that saying, "Oh well maybe you don't remember clearly and they didn't MEAN to do anything" does not help me. Constantly being invalidated and told I have control over my ptsd because it's just thoughts is absolutely infuriating. Framing things in a certain way helps nothing in my situation, because these are ingrained, autonomous physical responses from early childhood that have solidified themselves in my neural pathways. This is why I hate terms like mental illness and believe they shouldn't exist. This has nothing to do with a thought or psychological process that I can control.
Did you know that sustaining a lot of trauma makes you suspectible to a number of health problems such as autoimmune diseases, epilepsy, psychosis, and heart disease? Then if you develop any sort of mysterious physical illness like chronic fatigue, you'll be gaslit eternally and often accused of not working hard enough to "process the trauma", because of course these diseases only come from repressed emotions orbiting traumatic events and not the devastating physiological toll it takes on your body.
Constantly being told I should force myself to go through painful, humiliating, or invasive procedures "for my own good" does nothing but piss me off and make me want to kill myself more. I have been forced to try and make progress with this, or my boyfriend will stop taking care of me and leave. However, I can't make any progress because there is nothing out there currently under the scope of post traumatic stress relieving modalities that helps me.
I have tried every sort of therapy under the sun. I do not want to hear someone telling me to go to therapy again when I've wasted invaluable amounts of time and money on what was essentially wikihow active listening dialouge trees, being berated for being autistic, brute forcing trauma talk, and useless new age modalities. I've tried loads of medications too, including psychedelics, only thing that ever helped me in the slightest was MDMA and I can never get my hands on that again.
I wish people would admit there isn't really a cure for complex forms of ptsd. No ammount of talking is going to fix this, and neither is any amount of insight into what made me this way. I've read the body keeps the score, complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving, and it all follows a similar theme of, patient lacks awareness or insight into what it means to be traumatized, understanding the root of the problem/emotions surrounding it leads to acceptance and this mythical concept of healing, person flourishes with this newfound insight, rinse and repeat.
Yet, I'm well aware of the traumatic things that happened to me, why they happened, and accepted that it wasn't necessarily my fault a long time ago. None of this solves any of the issues I have on a day to day basis though, it brings me no solace. It isn't really emotional for me, besides the fear and fight or flight that happens when I experience my most visceral triggers.
It doesn't help that the so called "experts" don't have a damn clue about ptsd either. They have no sage wisdom or insight to offer me that I couldn't glean from a cursory literature search or psych theory youtuber. Hell, I'm a neuroscience student and I can tell you straight up that most research money and time isn't going towards things like ptsd, hence why it's barely covered in many curriculums.
It doesn't help that when doctors find out I have ptsd they actually treat me worse and act like I'm being an unreasonable, stroppy child. When we made a request for benzos so that I could walk into a hospital for a scan without having a breakdown, they would only give me 2 mg, the bare minimum, and no more. I haven't been able to go to a doctor face to face in years because I'd absolutely break down. I have my partner handle consults for me over the phone, and then try my best to brave blood tests and scans. I can't do anything like a colonoscopy or endoscopy and keep getting shamed for it, because EVERYONE ELSE CAN DO IT OF COURSE.
They even reported my partner to social services for saying that they need to respect my consent and not coerce me into doing something (like a smear test) when I've said no and no means no. I had to undergo an investigation with a social worker because they claimed I am being abused by having medical care withheld when really I just won't stand for them getting a free pass to traumatise me again by making me do things I can't consent to. We have a litigious society, for sure.
No one understands the hell I am going through on a daily basis. Between the chronic pain and illnesses and all of the uncomfortable testing and useless treatments I've forced myself to try in a futile attempt to attenuate them, to the developmental disability, and permanent scarring from trauma, I am completely screwed. My IBS has recently gotten so bad that I had to do enemas and I was crying and shaking on the bathroom floor while my partner was giving it to me. I have no future, and people can tell that I'm messed up because of my nightmarish childhood, leading them to make the smart decision to avoid me.
PTSD is the gift that keeps on giving. I am so ready to be done with this suffering. Everyday I'm reminded of another awful memory. A betrayal from someone who took advantage of me, friends who harassed and hurt me, insults my family slung at me, lies people told about me to destroy whatever willpower I had left, the neglect I went through, watching the only family member that loved me die, watching others attempt suicide, the feelings of pure humiliation and violation, there's nothing that eats away at the mind more than this.
Worst of all, no one can ever truly perceive things they way we do. They won't understand. They'll just tell you to get therapy and get over it, not realizing how useless that suggestion is.
The public severely overestimates the amount and quality of "treatments" available for people who have suffered complex trauma. If you're like me, the best you'll get offered is CBT, breathing exercises, and encouragement to write a journal. Exposure and replaying the memories, or trying to pry out the lack of solid recollections, was also just as useless albeit far more painful.
There truly is no gold standard treatment out there, it's all exercises of futile mental gymnastics, sugar-coated and ensconced in sophisticated sounding word salad like, "The healing process" or "Trauma informed somatic internal family systems body work" that make people believe there's an ounce of credibility and scientific rigor behind any of it. No offense to anyone who personally finds benefit from these things, but I view them as more of a spiritual practice than a scientific one backed by evidence in the way most medical science is.
In my case, I have been traumatized since I was 5 years old. I cannot remember a life before I was like this. Fear, embarrassment, loneliness, failure, and dread have been my closest companions since day one. It was already hard enough having no mother, and a father who spent more time drinking than with his kid (until his reckleness got him killed, of course) but the way I was humiliated and neglected during childhood- and even adulthood- truly sealed my fate.
Growing up, I didn't understand why others weren't terrified of doctors, or felt "funny" in medical environments. I started displaying absurd sexual behaviour as a small child after I was made to strip and have numerous "examinations" without my consent that I cant even remember fully because I was so young. It evoked the same feeling I had during the period of my life where older guy at my school whom I liked and had a crush on started molesting me. At that time, I was an autistic 14 year old who didn't even know what sex was.
My entire life has been molded and shaped by sexual abuse. No one truly understands how much even a five minute act can alter the course of your life forever. I have been raped, had unwanted sexual advances and assaults around half a dozen times, and was being sexually abused by my "kinky" ex boyfriend for long periods of time where he would force me to take anal or shove ice inside me for his sadistic pleasure. He never shouted or yelled at me, never got physically violent, but took pleasure in hurting me sexually.
Understandably, I am fucked up from all of this. By far though, the events that went down in my childhood have corrupted me the most and forever tainted my sexuality, personality, and happiness. Yet, this is what people remain the most ignorant of. It is a bit easier for someone to understand why I felt violated when my ex hurt me, or when a friend of that group raped me, but it's nearly impossible for anyone to fathom that medical staff and my family paved the road to hell for me the most.
For some reason, trauma often gets weighed on a scale of what is "worse" (AKA more violent and disturbing) and thus more deserving of sympathy. Where I grew up, PTSD was a word only used for survivors of violent warfare. It took me until adulthood to get the actual label on the books, because of how braindead the culture was surrounding trauma.
It was normal to be whipped and lashed with a belt until you had marks all over you, as I was punished this way as a child, and so was my mother, my father, their parents, etc. Violence and domestic disputes were complace and seen as unavoidable aspects of family life, unless they escalated to the point of seriously endangering someone. Fighting was even sometimes glorified, as it meant you had a tough, take no shit from anyone attitude.
When my father got angry enough to smash things all over the house, that was normal. When his mother insulted you and called you a psycho faggot, that was normal. When my aunt told me, a little child, that I was horrible and lazy and threatened to throw me outside and tell my grandmother I was gay to get her to disown me, that was normal.
My family was allowed to emotionally torture me for years because we share DNA. I had to love them no matter what, because they were my flesh and blood, my kin. Even today, I cant stand watching wholesome family films, because it just makes me angry and bitter that I don't have any family, and never will. It reminds me of how my family locked me away for 2 years as a young teenager, no school, no socialising, and essentially turned me into a waster suicidal NEET during one of the most crucial periods of development.
So yeah, I'm traumatized in a way that others fundamentally can't relate to. Not just because of the constant abuse and neglect from my family, but because of whatever happened to me in those clinics as a child. Ever since that happened, I have a visceral fear of medical environments, the equipment, the people working there, the sights, the smells. It feels violating and it always will.
Not a single person on this planet can fathom or comprehend that. Even when I explained to my own partners that my sexual development was stunted and I could only involuntarily get aroused by seeing things that remind me of that medical trauma, they never managed to wrap their heads around this. I have never truly felt attraction to sexual charactistics or the act itself in ways that other people can. I can make myself enjoy sex, but it's not sensual or pleasurable in a lustful sense. Never took the aphrodisiac pill.
Now, this has really complicated my life more than anything else, because I have a lot of health problems. As a child, I had to be dragged kicking, screaming, and crying to be in any medical environment. Every single time I was forced to do these things, the wounds deepened and the fear compounded because it was violating to be forced. I have been told over and over again that this is a normal part of life, and that it doesn't bother other people, that I must have delusions, because everyone else can handle medical matters just fine.
I got sexually assaulted by a doctor again a couple years ago, every time I think about it I freeze up and want to burst into tears. My boyfriend has had to be the advocate for me for years now because I physically cannot communicate with doctors or stand up for myself. They usually do nothing but bully, coerce, and refuse to listen to me, my thoughts, and my boundaries. I have to avoid these fuckers at all costs because they do nothing but trigger me and haven't really done anything tangible to help me in the past 6 years I've been having chronic health prohlems.
Because my trauma stems from a doctor violating me, it is seen as somehow not that bad, fake, made up, and all sorts of pejoratives. People don't understand that saying, "Oh well maybe you don't remember clearly and they didn't MEAN to do anything" does not help me. Constantly being invalidated and told I have control over my ptsd because it's just thoughts is absolutely infuriating. Framing things in a certain way helps nothing in my situation, because these are ingrained, autonomous physical responses from early childhood that have solidified themselves in my neural pathways. This is why I hate terms like mental illness and believe they shouldn't exist. This has nothing to do with a thought or psychological process that I can control.
Did you know that sustaining a lot of trauma makes you suspectible to a number of health problems such as autoimmune diseases, epilepsy, psychosis, and heart disease? Then if you develop any sort of mysterious physical illness like chronic fatigue, you'll be gaslit eternally and often accused of not working hard enough to "process the trauma", because of course these diseases only come from repressed emotions orbiting traumatic events and not the devastating physiological toll it takes on your body.
Constantly being told I should force myself to go through painful, humiliating, or invasive procedures "for my own good" does nothing but piss me off and make me want to kill myself more. I have been forced to try and make progress with this, or my boyfriend will stop taking care of me and leave. However, I can't make any progress because there is nothing out there currently under the scope of post traumatic stress relieving modalities that helps me.
I have tried every sort of therapy under the sun. I do not want to hear someone telling me to go to therapy again when I've wasted invaluable amounts of time and money on what was essentially wikihow active listening dialouge trees, being berated for being autistic, brute forcing trauma talk, and useless new age modalities. I've tried loads of medications too, including psychedelics, only thing that ever helped me in the slightest was MDMA and I can never get my hands on that again.
I wish people would admit there isn't really a cure for complex forms of ptsd. No ammount of talking is going to fix this, and neither is any amount of insight into what made me this way. I've read the body keeps the score, complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving, and it all follows a similar theme of, patient lacks awareness or insight into what it means to be traumatized, understanding the root of the problem/emotions surrounding it leads to acceptance and this mythical concept of healing, person flourishes with this newfound insight, rinse and repeat.
Yet, I'm well aware of the traumatic things that happened to me, why they happened, and accepted that it wasn't necessarily my fault a long time ago. None of this solves any of the issues I have on a day to day basis though, it brings me no solace. It isn't really emotional for me, besides the fear and fight or flight that happens when I experience my most visceral triggers.
It doesn't help that the so called "experts" don't have a damn clue about ptsd either. They have no sage wisdom or insight to offer me that I couldn't glean from a cursory literature search or psych theory youtuber. Hell, I'm a neuroscience student and I can tell you straight up that most research money and time isn't going towards things like ptsd, hence why it's barely covered in many curriculums.
It doesn't help that when doctors find out I have ptsd they actually treat me worse and act like I'm being an unreasonable, stroppy child. When we made a request for benzos so that I could walk into a hospital for a scan without having a breakdown, they would only give me 2 mg, the bare minimum, and no more. I haven't been able to go to a doctor face to face in years because I'd absolutely break down. I have my partner handle consults for me over the phone, and then try my best to brave blood tests and scans. I can't do anything like a colonoscopy or endoscopy and keep getting shamed for it, because EVERYONE ELSE CAN DO IT OF COURSE.
They even reported my partner to social services for saying that they need to respect my consent and not coerce me into doing something (like a smear test) when I've said no and no means no. I had to undergo an investigation with a social worker because they claimed I am being abused by having medical care withheld when really I just won't stand for them getting a free pass to traumatise me again by making me do things I can't consent to. We have a litigious society, for sure.
No one understands the hell I am going through on a daily basis. Between the chronic pain and illnesses and all of the uncomfortable testing and useless treatments I've forced myself to try in a futile attempt to attenuate them, to the developmental disability, and permanent scarring from trauma, I am completely screwed. My IBS has recently gotten so bad that I had to do enemas and I was crying and shaking on the bathroom floor while my partner was giving it to me. I have no future, and people can tell that I'm messed up because of my nightmarish childhood, leading them to make the smart decision to avoid me.
PTSD is the gift that keeps on giving. I am so ready to be done with this suffering. Everyday I'm reminded of another awful memory. A betrayal from someone who took advantage of me, friends who harassed and hurt me, insults my family slung at me, lies people told about me to destroy whatever willpower I had left, the neglect I went through, watching the only family member that loved me die, watching others attempt suicide, the feelings of pure humiliation and violation, there's nothing that eats away at the mind more than this.
Worst of all, no one can ever truly perceive things they way we do. They won't understand. They'll just tell you to get therapy and get over it, not realizing how useless that suggestion is.
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Life is a gift. 
