PTSD from failed CTB attempts

[willitpass]

I feel like the PTSD (or even just regular old trauma) that comes from surviving a suicide attempt is not talked about nearly enough. Whether you're happy you survived or furious about it, it is still incredibly traumatic. The things your body goes through, the rollercoaster of emotions, the possible hospitalization afterwards, it's all incredibly horrific. For me, the more severe the attempt the worse the trauma.

It's been 3.5 years since I took SN and nearly died. It was a scary experience to watch your body turn grey and start to feel yourself dying, and I was convinced it wasn't going to work so I was panicking. If I hadn't panicked and told someone I would be dead, but unfortunately in that moment I didn't know that. I ended up intubated for awhile, that was how I learned I'm resistant to sedatives. I woke up from the sedatives and could feel everything happening to me, including feeling like I was suffocating from the ventilator, yet they had given me a paralytic so I couldn't move. That was horrifying. After that I spent 8 months in a horribly abusive residential facility. All from the SN.

All of this is to say, it's been 3.5 years. A good amount of time since I did that. I woke up today with some swollen, painful gums (thanks to depression I don't have the best dental hygiene so this happens from time to time). I gave my teeth a good brushing, flossed really well, but I don't have any mouth wash, so I decided to make a salt water rinse. The taste was an instant flashback to the SN. I almost threw up it was so familiar. Yes, this was more mild than the taste of SN but fuck. It felt like I was right back. I had to hold back tears the entire time I was swishing my mouth. It's been about 15 minutes and my anxiety is still sky high. Just fuck.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

Good god that's horrific. Hope you feel better soon. Yeah admittedly that's my fear with SN, that it won't work. Frankly I don't even know if my SN will still work since it's mixed with water and kept inside a bottle. It's about a month and a few days old.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm so sorry you went through that . Sounds absolutely horrible.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm so sorry that happened. Your experience captures a lot of our fears. I can relate to abusive mental health treatment.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

I failed with SN a week ago today. The terror when I felt like I was suffocating, was unable to move, sweating buckets and turning grey was scary af. Having to be admitted to hospital, all be it brief sent me into panic. Been admitted to ed 7 times in last 12 months, 2 psych hospital admissions and one section!! I still wish I could cease to exist but feel very traumatised by taking SN and failing. Sorry for going on about me, but I get how traumatic an SN attempt can be and your words got me

 

[Neverfeltdeader]

Sounds like an absolute nightmare. Sorry you had to go through all of this. Still don't understand how SN is one of the most popular methods out there, especially after reading this. I hate how suicidal people are treated like prisoners meanwhile drug addicts get treated so well.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Still don't understand how SN is one of the most popular methods out there, especially after reading this.

Not that popular in the greater scheme of things. Bear in mind OP said she would have died had she not panicked and called for help. We are all first and foremost looking for something that gets the job done. Whether the physical unpleasantness is worthwhile is up to us to decide. Though it is true that SN will require a great deal of psychological preparation and determination.. We can think we are prepared enough but whether it is enough will only become clear during the attempt.

 

[Unknown21]

Trauma is a worst fucking torture, one of the most innovative torture ways that made by life.

I'm really sorry for what happened to you and what you went through.

Wish you all luck and peace.