hopelessghost
disabled depressed pinup
- Jan 18, 2026
- 11
The thinner I get the more pain I feel, because of my bones touching things, even tho I still see myself super fat in the mirror. Still working my 8h job + 3 hours of public transportation everyday, which doesn't help too.
And adding to it all, not being paid even nearly enough to live a comfortable life so I have to do all that contortionism of what bills will be paid each day. My husband is also suffering a lot of stress because of his work.
Next Sunday is our two year anniversary. I never had a single real romantic date with him if I didn't plan everything out myself and just decided that I won't be doing this shit another time, I don't even think he'll remember it and that's fine to me. It's better than feeling the "we're only here because I did everything" or the "we're only here because I forced him to do something" that is so haunting and soul crushing. It's not like we can afford to do anything anyway so it's just another special date that will mean nothing, just like my birthday, Christmas and all the other ones.
I'm tired of putting so much effort on those days to feel like I'm seen, to feel that people love me and care for me, just to be alone on the end of the day knowing that I spent money I didn't have and no one showed up anyway.
I'm just tired of working to the point of exhaustion and not being able to afford a bottle of diet coke on my day off. Tired of putting so much effort to look good so my husband at least have something beautiful to see and have zero recognition to it because he doesn't give a fuck. Tired of spending the only days I have off work cleaning the house while I should be medicated so I won't feel so much pain on the next week. Tired of never going out of my house if it's not for work. Tired of knowing that every friend walks out of your life when you're sick and poor because you can't show up to clubs/go shopping/go out every week because you can't afford it.
I'm sorry for all the venting I do here, I just don't have anyone to talk to about anything and I'm not allowed to be miserable at home even tho I'm contemplating how can I ctb while doing the less damage possible to everyone.
And adding to it all, not being paid even nearly enough to live a comfortable life so I have to do all that contortionism of what bills will be paid each day. My husband is also suffering a lot of stress because of his work.
Next Sunday is our two year anniversary. I never had a single real romantic date with him if I didn't plan everything out myself and just decided that I won't be doing this shit another time, I don't even think he'll remember it and that's fine to me. It's better than feeling the "we're only here because I did everything" or the "we're only here because I forced him to do something" that is so haunting and soul crushing. It's not like we can afford to do anything anyway so it's just another special date that will mean nothing, just like my birthday, Christmas and all the other ones.
I'm tired of putting so much effort on those days to feel like I'm seen, to feel that people love me and care for me, just to be alone on the end of the day knowing that I spent money I didn't have and no one showed up anyway.
I'm just tired of working to the point of exhaustion and not being able to afford a bottle of diet coke on my day off. Tired of putting so much effort to look good so my husband at least have something beautiful to see and have zero recognition to it because he doesn't give a fuck. Tired of spending the only days I have off work cleaning the house while I should be medicated so I won't feel so much pain on the next week. Tired of never going out of my house if it's not for work. Tired of knowing that every friend walks out of your life when you're sick and poor because you can't show up to clubs/go shopping/go out every week because you can't afford it.
I'm sorry for all the venting I do here, I just don't have anyone to talk to about anything and I'm not allowed to be miserable at home even tho I'm contemplating how can I ctb while doing the less damage possible to everyone.
