Psychologist entrace #2

[KenDuh]

We talked for a while, an hour that felt like five minutes. I had lots of questions, but I knew all along that he wasn't going to give me any answers. I've been feeling better, but it's scary because one day I want to kill myself, and then nothing? I wasn't feeling like myself, maybe it was the medication, the meditation or the people who worry about me. So I asked, who am I? Who is controlling my body right now? Why am I moving when I wanted to die not so long ago? He answered and told me that he was at least 19 different people, or at least that many he had acknowledged so far. Maybe it was another me talking and walking right now, he said, maybe the other one was resting under a big pile of blankets. He said that there's a me that asks lots of questions and another that plays video games, and so on. He told me that I was a legion of beings and that maybe one of them wants to die, but he's resting.

We also talked about choices, so I want to put two premises.
1) if there's a god that says what's good and bad, then my actions aren't free, but forced.
2) if there's no god, who am I to choose? if I don't know anything.

I told him that. He laughed and told me that it was true, I was not a god to decide things, but I was also not useless to not do anything. He asked me why I was wearing that shirt, what did I like and what I didn't. He told me that it doesn't really matter, but at the same time, it does.
It doesn't matter because we don't know everything, we could be wrong when choosing, so choose whatever.
But it matters because every action has good and bad consequences, and maybe I want some of that.
I don't have to run and do something just because, or don't do anything because of fear. I'll do when I need to, and I'll choose not correctly but accordingly.

He didn't give me answers, maybe more questions, but I like those questions. Who's within me? and what am I going to do now?

 

[Nightfoot]

I can sort of see what he means about being different people. People with DID believe there are multiple entities that are in control at different times, but more literally than maybe he meant. It's also true that we act differently around our parents than our friends and act differently around friends than strangers, although some people warm up to strangers more quickly than others. I also believe what we call the self is just a series of consistent patterns of thought and behavior. At the end of the day, I think our subjective experience of life is just electrochemical responses to our environment. Of course, I could be wrong.