Psycho mother at it again, created opportunity for closure

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've shared on the forum before that when I demanded my parents take responsibility for the physical abuse from my mother growing up, they shunned me. My mother signed the email saying goodbye from her, my dad, and the dog and cats. A few years later, my mother used an old photo of her and I as her Facebook profile picture, and in the comments she spoke for me to one of her friends as if we were still in contact. I wrote to her and threatened that if she didn't delete the photo, I would write to everyone who liked or commented on the photo and tell them the actual status of our relationship, and after some resistance, she complied. That was over two years ago.

A couple months ago, I had a long thread of journaling to prevent me from writing my parents a suicide note, all the reasons why it would be a bad idea because of how they violated my boundaries and just don't hear me no matter what I say. I've also been upset because they are my next of kin and I didn't want them to claim my body or publish an obituary. As of recently, I've stopped caring about an obituary, I worked out my issues about that. I still was concerned that they would get my possessions and read my journals, I'm still triggered by my mom having gone through my things while I was growing up, it was such a violation, and as an adult, I've always had a fear that if I died she would read my journals, so it's never been the fully liberating experience it's meant to be. Lately I've been working through that, too.

Today I lurked my Mom's Facebook and the photo is back up as her profile photo.

Once I calmed down, I realized I no longer have the desire to follow through with my original threat. A couple months ago, I got free of an abusive narcissist in my life, and I felt really free when I was no longer in contact, and I didn't engage further even though I could potentially have done some damage and it would have been a natural consequence and justified. But I felt more peace just letting it go and no longer engaging in the struggle. Similarly, I no longer feel the need to engage in the ridiculous struggle with my mother and to keep fighting her insanity (she's not a narc but has some traits and behaviors). I also no longer feel the need to return to the slot machine of hope that she and my dad will hear reason or hear my heart, and that's partly what a suicide letter would be about, as well as protecting them. Now I just want to be totally done with them and free of them, whether I live or not.

I'm going to sleep on it, but I wrote the following letter and I think I'll likely send it. It's the kind of closure I need. I need to finally, boldly lay their shit with them where it belongs, stop fighting, stop giving any more fucks, and just close the door. I'm sharing here because I feel heard here and because I've gotten so much good support as I've processed about my parents in the previous thread and, really, since I joined the forum. I look forward to any comments, and thank you to everyone who's supported me so far, with special thanks to @Lostandfound7, @Brackenshire, @Pryras, and @Lorntroubles.

Here's the letter:




I told you I forgave you. In return, you told me you were tired of the blame games, wanted nothing more to do with me, and circled the wagons against me -- Mom, Dad, dog, and cats "signed" the email. What a power play. Such a show of maturity really put in my place.

Interesting, Mom, that you've gone back to using my picture as your Facebook profile photo. Before you took it down when I previously demanded you do so, you spoke for me, thanking ______, as if we were still in contact and had a loving relationship. I don't know when you put the photo back up, but I do know you are lying to your friends and to our family, and have been for a long time now.

If you felt justified in your choice and your act in discarding me, you would not need to lie.

The false GoodPersonEffed you've created supports your revisionist history. That GPE never had her ass covered in bruises the shape of a wooden spoon. She wasn't beaten over a hundred times. She never had a mother who took out her rages on her daughter's body and blamed her for it. Her mother never kicked her out of the house as a teenager, so there was no reason for her father, who as a police officer knew how vulnerable she would be, to step in and protect her. She never ran away from home because she couldn't take the stifling control and regular beatings anymore, and she never ran to a predator for shelter. She never had to confront the predator with her family at the church, and her father never added to the victimization by telling the pastor about [personal]. She didn't drop out of school because she was afraid if she showed up, so would her mother. She didn't have a grandfather who beat her grandmother, and she didn't have a grandmother who in turn physically assaulted her children without provocation. She didn't have parents who took her out of psychological counseling and out of ToughLove because she got outside support and the rages and beatings would have to stop. She didn't have a mother who had a temper tantrum and stopped speaking to GPE's husband because her mother crashed their wedding and made a video, the latter of which her husband specifically forbade, and he rightfully demanded the videotape. She didn't have a mother who threw such a tantrum when she moved out of state that her parents never visited her in a decade to affirm the life she'd built. She didn't have a mother who, when she bought her own plane ticket, had a tantrum and told her to not come home for Christmas because she wanted to spend a couple of days of that vacation with her best friend. She didn't have a father who, the more her mother tried to control her, increasingly hated his daughter for not giving in to that control, a daughter who until the age of 17 was expected to bend over and touch her toes and take the beatings, and to figuratively keep doing so for the rest of her life. You're right, Dad, it wasn't that bad, because it never happened, not to your fake daughter.

I could easily fight back. I could write to [friends and family names], and to everyone who originally liked and commented on the photo, as I threatened to do. I could do serious damage to your support system. But the lies you're telling and the fake GPE you've created do no harm to me. It is you who have to keep making up new lies to support the story of how we're still close, yet I never visit and you never have updated photos of me. Or maybe you've made up a story that I died. If you haven't, maybe you'll get lucky and that will happen and your secrets will be buried with me, and you can get bonus sympathy and support. Otherwise, if one of you dies first, the other will have to make up reasons for why I won't show up.

It's interesting how many times I was beaten and bruised for lying, and how Dad hated a liar more than anything, and now you are the liars. I don't know how you've kept it up this long, especially Dad, as he doesn't exactly have the social skills for lying and hates it so much. I can imagine you standing in the grass divide, talking to [neighbors], and every time my name comes up, Dad gets irritated and goes in the house. I'm surprised people haven't yet figured out that something is seriously off, because you've been lying for quite a long time and it's not sustainable unless you've come up with a really good whopper, such that I'm a missionary. I'm sure you're very proud of the fake GPE, whatever she's doing, and humbly accept credit for how amazing she is.

I don't need to punish you. You punish yourselves. I don't need to enforce my boundaries that you disrespect and override, because I am safely thousands of miles away from you, and consequences already naturally happen and will continue to until they snowball. You have your precious reputations, but you can never let someone be close enough to you to know the truth. You keep yourselves separate from intimacy with others. And at some point, what you've built on a foundation of lies will naturally come crashing down.

You lost out on a daughter who would have cared for you and protected you when you were vulnerable in your old age. You lost out on the trust and closeness of friends and family who genuinely care about you. You did it to yourselves -- Mom through rage, domestic violence, control and oppression, Dad through enabling, and both of you through denial and discarding me. Dad, you protected a city and you protected the neighbors, but you didn't protect me. You two protect yourselves and each other, but I'm the one who benefitted because I'm free of all your shit, while you are the ones fettered by your lies. Thank you for the betrayal of shunning me, it turned out to be a gift.

You have once again proven that you will never recognize or respect my boundaries and autonomy, that you don't take responsibility for your actions, and that you are unsafe for me. I am glad to be safe from you, from your rationalizations, from your physical and emotional violence and oppression, and from your warped ideas of normal. If only I could divorce you so that you aren't my legal next of kin. I don't want my body or my possessions in your control ever again, even if I'm dead.


Goodfuckingbye.

 

[StellaArtoix]

Hey there, I dont know you at all, but I was lured to your post by the title. I hope you dont mind if I just offer an opinion/observation? I was just wondering why you dont just once and for all kick your parents to the curb. It sounds like your upbringing is something that plays out for you over and over again, affecting not only your relationship with other people but also the relationship you have with yourself? It also sounds to me from what your saying and having viewed some of your other posts, that you have alot of difficulty putting your past to rest, meaning your constantly beating yourself up for things that were not of your making. So now your an adult and in charge of your own destiny, why dont you just give them the finger. When I think of my own upbringing and in particular my father, I dont choose to let him take up any space in my heart, when he hasnt earned that right. So why should you offer up space and let them invade it in the way that they are, making a home for themselves as a constant nagging reminder to you of how you dont deserve to be heard? I say FUCK THEM!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Hey @StellaArtoix, I have you on ignore but saw that you commented. You recently attacked me out of the blue on another thread with zero provocation. Please leave me alone.

 

[StellaArtoix]

Hey @StellaArtoix, I have you on ignore but saw that you commented. You recently attacked me out of the blue on another thread with zero provocation. Please leave me alone.
WTF? What are you talking about? I dont even know who you are? If your going to say that at least back it up? Youve obviously taken something I said somewhere the wrong way, because ive never attacked anyone here, a little hypersensitive??? Actually never mind. Please keep me on ignore. Lifes to short.

Ok, so just been reminded who you are. I dont give a crap whether you want to be a mod or not. Dont care, dont give a shit actually. When i find signed up here some people were talking about you wanting to be a mod, so dont shoot the messenger. Thats just what I heard. Thought being a mod was a gd thing, that why I said good on you. So before you shoot your mouth off...think. I DONT ATTACK ANYONE.

 

[Lorntroubles]

Besides the happy dance I did because I got a shout-out, this hits home...I, too, have been through similar abuse.
Wow, such deep shit and damn, if it doesn't churn something inside for me....

I think it's time to say for real that your mom/dad are narcissists and not just having SOME traits.

If this is what you think will give you power, then go for it. I'm not encouraging you, of course. I want everyone to feel empowered.

 

[nais]

Once I calmed down, I realized I no longer have the desire to follow through with my original threat. A couple months ago, I got free of an abusive narcissist in my life, and I felt really free when I was no longer in contact, and I didn't engage further even though I could potentially have done some damage and it would have been a natural consequence and justified. But I felt more peace just letting it go and no longer engaging in the struggle. Similarly, I no longer feel the need to engage in the ridiculous struggle with my mother and to keep fighting her insanity (she's not a narc but has some traits and behaviors). I also no longer feel the need to return to the slot machine of hope that she and my dad will hear reason or hear my heart, and that's partly what a suicide letter would be about, as well as protecting them. Now I just want to be totally done with them and free of them, whether I live or not.

Engaging in the struggle is exhausting and draining. Maybe it's like fighting fire with fire - it only makes the fire bigger. But if you don't feed the fire, it eventually fizzles out. I really hope you can find healing, comfort and peace! I can see that you have some bad experiences with church, not sure what denomination it is, but I have found soooooo much healing through non-denominational Christian Bible studies. (PM if interested)

 

[Pryras]

I've shared on the forum before that when I demanded my parents take responsibility for the physical abuse from my mother growing up, they shunned me. My mother signed the email saying goodbye from her, my dad, and the dog and cats. A few years later, my mother used an old photo of her and I as her Facebook profile picture, and in the comments she spoke for me to one of her friends as if we were still in contact. I wrote to her and threatened that if she didn't delete the photo, I would write to everyone who liked or commented on the photo and tell them the actual status of our relationship, and after some resistance, she complied. That was over two years ago.

A couple months ago, I had a long thread of journaling to prevent me from writing my parents a suicide note, all the reasons why it would be a bad idea because of how they violated my boundaries and just don't hear me no matter what I say. I've also been upset because they are my next of kin and I didn't want them to claim my body or publish an obituary. As of recently, I've stopped caring about an obituary, I worked out my issues about that. I still was concerned that they would get my possessions and read my journals, I'm still triggered by my mom having gone through my things while I was growing up, it was such a violation, and as an adult, I've always had a fear that if I died she would read my journals, so it's never been the fully liberating experience it's meant to be. Lately I've been working through that, too.

Today I lurked my Mom's Facebook and the photo is back up as her profile photo.

Once I calmed down, I realized I no longer have the desire to follow through with my original threat. A couple months ago, I got free of an abusive narcissist in my life, and I felt really free when I was no longer in contact, and I didn't engage further even though I could potentially have done some damage and it would have been a natural consequence and justified. But I felt more peace just letting it go and no longer engaging in the struggle. Similarly, I no longer feel the need to engage in the ridiculous struggle with my mother and to keep fighting her insanity (she's not a narc but has some traits and behaviors). I also no longer feel the need to return to the slot machine of hope that she and my dad will hear reason or hear my heart, and that's partly what a suicide letter would be about, as well as protecting them. Now I just want to be totally done with them and free of them, whether I live or not.

I'm going to sleep on it, but I wrote the following letter and I think I'll likely send it. It's the kind of closure I need. I need to finally, boldly lay their shit with them where it belongs, stop fighting, stop giving any more fucks, and just close the door. I'm sharing here because I feel heard here and because I've gotten so much good support as I've processed about my parents in the previous thread and, really, since I joined the forum. I look forward to any comments, and thank you to everyone who's supported me so far, with special thanks to @Lostandfound7, @Brackenshire, @Pryras, and @Lorntroubles.

Here's the letter:




I told you I forgave you. In return, you told me you were tired of the blame games, wanted nothing more to do with me, and circled the wagons against me -- Mom, Dad, dog, and cats "signed" the email. What a power play. Such a show of maturity really put in my place.

Interesting, Mom, that you've gone back to using my picture as your Facebook profile photo. Before you took it down when I previously demanded you do so, you spoke for me, thanking ______, as if we were still in contact and had a loving relationship. I don't know when you put the photo back up, but I do know you are lying to your friends and to our family, and have been for a long time now.

If you felt justified in your choice and your act in discarding me, you would not need to lie.

The false GoodPersonEffed you've created supports your revisionist history. That GPE never had her ass covered in bruises the shape of a wooden spoon. She wasn't beaten over a hundred times. She never had a mother who took out her rages on her daughter's body and blamed her for it. Her mother never kicked her out of the house as a teenager, so there was no reason for her father, who as a police officer knew how vulnerable she would be, to step in and protect her. She never ran away from home because she couldn't take the stifling control and regular beatings anymore, and she never ran to a predator for shelter. She never had to confront the predator with her family at the church, and her father never added to the victimization by telling the pastor about [personal]. She didn't drop out of school because she was afraid if she showed up, so would her mother. She didn't have a grandfather who beat her grandmother, and she didn't have a grandmother who in turn physically assaulted her children without provocation. She didn't have parents who took her out of psychological counseling and out of ToughLove because she got outside support and the rages and beatings would have to stop. She didn't have a mother who had a temper tantrum and stopped speaking to GPE's husband because her mother crashed their wedding and made a video, the latter of which her husband specifically forbade, and he rightfully demanded the videotape. She didn't have a mother who threw such a tantrum when she moved out of state that her parents never visited her in a decade to affirm the life she'd built. She didn't have a mother who, when she bought her own plane ticket, had a tantrum and told her to not come home for Christmas because she wanted to spend a couple of days of that vacation with her best friend. She didn't have a father who, the more her mother tried to control her, increasingly hated his daughter for not giving in to that control, a daughter who until the age of 17 was expected to bend over and touch her toes and take the beatings, and to figuratively keep doing so for the rest of her life. You're right, Dad, it wasn't that bad, because it never happened, not to your fake daughter.

I could easily fight back. I could write to [friends and family names], and to everyone who originally liked and commented on the photo, as I threatened to do. I could do serious damage to your support system. But the lies you're telling and the fake GPE you've created do no harm to me. It is you who have to keep making up new lies to support the story of how we're still close, yet I never visit and you never have updated photos of me. Or maybe you've made up a story that I died. If you haven't, maybe you'll get lucky and that will happen and your secrets will be buried with me, and you can get bonus sympathy and support. Otherwise, if one of you dies first, the other will have to make up reasons for why I won't show up.

It's interesting how many times I was beaten and bruised for lying, and how Dad hated a liar more than anything, and now you are the liars. I don't know how you've kept it up this long, especially Dad, as he doesn't exactly have the social skills for lying and hates it so much. I can imagine you standing in the grass divide, talking to [neighbors], and every time my name comes up, Dad gets irritated and goes in the house. I'm surprised people haven't yet figured out that something is seriously off, because you've been lying for quite a long time and it's not sustainable unless you've come up with a really good whopper, such that I'm a missionary. I'm sure you're very proud of the fake GPE, whatever she's doing, and humbly accept credit for how amazing she is.

I don't need to punish you. You punish yourselves. I don't need to enforce my boundaries that you disrespect and override, because I am safely thousands of miles away from you, and consequences already naturally happen and will continue to until they snowball. You have your precious reputations, but you can never let someone be close enough to you to know the truth. You keep yourselves separate from intimacy with others. And at some point, what you've built on a foundation of lies will naturally come crashing down.

You lost out on a daughter who would have cared for you and protected you when you were vulnerable in your old age. You lost out on the trust and closeness of friends and family who genuinely care about you. You did it to yourselves -- Mom through rage, domestic violence, control and oppression, Dad through enabling, and both of you through denial and discarding me. Dad, you protected a city and you protected the neighbors, but you didn't protect me. You two protect yourselves and each other, but I'm the one who benefitted because I'm free of all your shit, while you are the ones fettered by your lies. Thank you for the betrayal of shunning me, it turned out to be a gift.

You have once again proven that you will never recognize or respect my boundaries and autonomy, that you don't take responsibility for your actions, and that you are unsafe for me. I am glad to be safe from you, from your rationalizations, from your physical and emotional violence and oppression, and from your warped ideas of normal. If only I could divorce you so that you aren't my legal next of kin. I don't want my body or my possessions in your control ever again, even if I'm dead.


Goodfuckingbye.

THIS! Call her out on her bs. Not only was this worded beautifully, you came from a position of power not weakness. Also choosing to share some details with us shows tremendous courage. Thank you for tagging me. As you mentioned, her lies will catch up to her and it will all come crashing down. I've taken that advice of yours and I've never felt more in control when I hold the truth in my hands.


While not the same circumstances, my mother's reputation is at the forefront of her priorities as well. It's tragic and pathetic and she deserves the pity. A reminder that It's her not me and sometimes distancing oneself from the problem is more healing than trying to communicate and reason with someone who won't listen.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I think it's time to say for real that your mom/dad are narcissists and not just having SOME traits.

If this is what you think will give you power, then go for it. I'm not encouraging you, of course. I want everyone to feel empowered.

Thank you for the support. I'm sorry you've been through similar shit. Hope you enjoyed the dance.

My parents really aren't narcissists. My dad definitely isn't, he's a classic enabler. My mom...her shit gets taken out on me, and on my dad when he's not towing her line. She came from an abusive home, she has her shit, her brother totally fit the histrionic personality. There's no personality type that pegs her, but she has some BPD traits and some narcissistic traits and some perfectionist traits.

I'm not sure yet about sending the letter. I definitely feel empowered for finally calling out my dad, and for finally putting the whole story together, no longer trying to get him to see how abusive she was and support me, but showing both their shit together. It's empowering to call out what she's doing, and to show that I have power and I'm not using it to abuse. It would also be empowering to totally ignore it, because her crap isn't hurting me. But it bothers me that they have power as next of kin. And also, I think I need for myself to stand up to them and stop being their scapegoat who carries the stains and burdens of their sins. Part of me is afraid to send it, and I think I need to overcome that with boldness and firmness. I need to shake their shit off of me and be free.

 

[Lorntroubles]

Thank you for the support. I'm sorry you've been through similar shit. Hope you enjoyed the dance.

My parents really aren't narcissists. My dad definitely isn't, he's a classic enabler. My mom...her shit gets taken out on me, and on my dad when he's not towing her line. She came from an abusive home, she has her shit, her brother totally fit the histrionic personality. There's no personality type that pegs her, but she has some BPD traits and some narcissistic traits and some perfectionist traits.

I'm not sure yet about sending the letter. I definitely feel empowered for finally calling out my dad, and for finally putting the whole story together, no longer trying to get him to see how abusive she was and support me, but showing both their shit together. It's empowering to call out what she's doing, and to show that I have power and I'm not using it to abuse. It would also be empowering to totally ignore it, because her crap isn't hurting me. But it bothers me that they have power as next of kin. And also, I think I need for myself to stand up to them and stop being their scapegoat who carries the stains and burdens of their sins. Part of me is afraid to send it, and I think I need to overcome that with boldness and firmness. I need to shake their shit off of me and be free.

You will have your a-ha moment, don't worry. I've learned so much about things and myself since becoming a member back in January. You aren't doing any crimes or harming anyone, why so scared? Is it because you haven't truly spoken out to them or is it because you are allowing your deep wounds to be written on paper? Either way, sometimes the best advice is on this forum so keep talking to us. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I don't have anything really insightful to say but holy sh*t. It must have taken a lot out of you to write that letter; it really conveys the pain you've suffered by them but still reads very eloquently.

It feels like this letter is the coup de grâce to your parents from how I read it. If you were to send it I would do it to completely cut ties with them. Thats just my two cents. If you decide to send it or not it must feel good to get that written down.

It is clear to see you've outgrown your parents in maturity since I feel there isn't much anger behind what you've written even though you've suffered greatly at their hands.

For me when I tried dealing with how my parents treated me I sat down with them face to face with a bunch of notes I wrote. But they weren't having any of it and didn't change at all. Your letter has given me a lot to think about.

I hope you're doing okay at this moment and thank you for sharing.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You will have your a-ha moment, don't worry. I've learned so much about things and myself since becoming a member back in January. You aren't doing any crimes or harming anyone, why so scared? Is it because you haven't truly spoken out to them or is it because you are allowing your deep wounds to be written on paper? Either way, sometimes the best advice is on this forum so keep talking to us. Thanks for sharing.

I've called Mom out many times, written to them many times. They hate getting letters from me because I'm a writer and they're not, and because my writing is powerful. My written voice is stronger than my mom's voice, and she can't hit it or bully it. Speaking out resulted in my getting discarded and shunned.

Most women who were abused and take a firm stand have to overcome fear in order to do it and to get to that place of being truly free. It's also scary to cut off the emotional support of parents, even though it was never really there unless I ceded my autonomy and authority over myself. It takes a lot of balls to make a definitive move like this. I had to do a lot of healing and growing to be able to do it.

I definitely have processed a lot in my time on the forum, in ways that I never did with therapists. It's been a lifelong journey to stand up to this crap and get free of it. If they'd been full-on narcissists and full-on abusive, with no affection and no support, it would have been a lot easier. There's good in both of them, and then there's this utterly psycho shit that makes no rational sense.

I had an opportunity to emancipate in my late teens or move across the country with them, they were willing to sign the papers, but I backed down and made the move. And then for a while things were better, in fact the photo she uses was from that period. I can see how it would have been empowering for me to cut ties with them and emancipate, but I didn't have a good support system and I think it's safe to say I would have just ended up being victimized by predators.

I can see that you have some bad experiences with church, not sure what denomination it is, but I have found soooooo much healing through non-denominational Christian Bible studies. (PM if interested)

Where do you get that I've had some bad experiences with church?

I feel like you're proselytizing/witnessing.

 

[Lorntroubles]

Hug react except for that Christian Schmistian preaching. Not the time and place right now, bro.

 

[Blue LIPS]

My mom uses our picture together as well on her FB. She came to visit, was all nice, she left and the bull shit continued. I am almost convinced she visited just for the photo to post... flooded with "oh my god I haven't seen him in forever!!" "Yep! That's my son, so proud, I love him!"

Fucking cunt

I feel like our mothers are very similar, "...rage, domestic violence, control and oppression...". This is what I experienced with her as well. I tried to mend our relationship and help her through her own mental health issues (by offering to pay for her therapy, be a listening ear, etc) but instead she decided to disown me and not speak to me at all. And at the end of the day it is her loss. The same goes for your parents. It's their BIG loss for losing a daughter like you.

That's what makes ME feel better honestly... the losing their child part.

Sorry, I'm hijacking :/ just surprised other parents act like this. Ignore meeeee. Sorry.

 

[StellaArtoix]

I feel like our mothers are very similar, "...rage, domestic violence, control and oppression...". This is what I experienced with her as well. I tried to mend our relationship and help her through her own mental health issues (by offering to pay for her therapy, be a listening ear, etc) but instead she decided to disown me and not speak to me at all. And at the end of the day it is her loss. The same goes for your parents. It's their BIG loss for losing a daughter like you.



I don't want to derail the purpose of the thread, but just want to clarify that GPE has not expressed intentions of becoming a mod to staff, and has explicitly stated she does not want to be one if my memory serves me well. Hope that settles it so it won't be brought up against her. Though it should be a non-issue regardless.

Regardless, I dont appreciate unsolicited attacks when I was only responding to what I'd heard from other members who said she wanted to be a mod. I dont know this GPE at all. I saw a post she wrote which I enjoyed and said I thought she would make a gd mod. Sorry for the compliment. If she has a problem she should take it up with the other members who bought it up. I dont care who she is or how long shes been here, Im not easily intimidated, nor am I one to be walked over. I dont need her bullshit. I can do without it. Hopefully shell continue to put me on ignore.

 

[Brackenshire]

@GoodPersonEffed
It is what you decide to do. This is your journey not theirs. This is for your needs not theirs. Not for revenge but for closure..thank you for the mention. I respect your opinions and thoughtfully written post.

 

[Soul]

Can you post the letter on your parents' FB page? That's what I'd do, at least for six hours or so.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm so sorry for how your mother/family has been to you. Please know that YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT! If I held the power of time travel I would want to adopt you to show you that everything you endured was NOT normal. To give you happiness instead of every type of pain imaginable. To hug you--- it seems you didn't get the affectionate touch you should have.

As for you now, it's amazing that you escaped! I'm so happy for you ♡ you did what many couldn't. If you aren't, you should be very very very proud of yourself!

Again, I'm so sorry that you ever endured the beatings and berating hateful comments that nobody should experience. You're brave for speaking out and I hope you do send your letter. It's very empowering to read, so I can only speculate how empowering and therapeutic it was to write. I am a firm believer in exposing abuse; you're taking your power back and taking it from them to use against someone else.

As for the way you described them, unfortunately I doubt any of them will change. The narcissism runs strong. They live in a fantasy world and they believe their lies. But I'm sure you already know that. My father is the same way. His alternative recall of events and reality is amazing. And God forbid anyone corrects him, especially me... because then I'm just a liar. Or I didn't "remember" it right. Smh

Regarding "next of kin", please know that you can change this. A power of attorney basically can keep your parents from making legal, medical, financial decisions for you in the event you're incapacitated. Please establish a living will if you don't have one already and appoint someone else. If you have someone close to you, you can choose them.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you've endured. You did NOT deserve it! However, your strength is very inspiring. I wish you well and peace, especially in this situation. ♡

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I tried to mend our relationship and help her through her own mental health issues (by offering to pay for her therapy, be a listening ear, etc) but instead she decided to disown me and not speak to me at all.

This is really common. You didn't agree to the revisionist narrative but insisted what you experienced was real and not less than it was, and wanted to deal with it. I don't know about your mom, but my mom can't deal with it. Then she'd have to face that she had a really shit childhood rather than an idyllic one. She bought into her parents' revisionist history.

Regarding "next of kin", please know that you can change this. A power of attorney basically can keep your parents from making legal, medical, financial decisions for you in the event you're incapacitated. Please establish a living will if you don't have one already and appoint someone else. If you have someone close to you, you can choose them.

The problem is, I literally have no one else or I would. Hence the stress and defensiveness about my journals, more so than my body.

 

[Isadeth]

The problem is, I literally have no one else or I would. Hence the stress and defensiveness about my journals, more so than my body.

Then make it the State. (If you live in the states). If you're that stressed about your journals, get a lock box at any bank. They're not too expensive, depends on your bank. And when you ctb, just toss your keys. It's an option. It's a pain in the ass to get keys, plus it's a pain to open them if you're not the one who is using the lock box. Also, then an attorney would need to be present while being opened on their part. And if it's never mentioned, it's unlikely they'll know about it. Banks usually don't just give that information, even to next of kin that come in to close out accounts.

 

[Soul]

I'm afraid the state would just revert custodianship back to the family. Is there a former teacher or doctor you could designate?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I know y'all are trying to be helpful and come up with solutions, but please let the next of kin thing go. I meant it when I said I literally have no one, and also, I'm not in the States.

There's not really anything I can do about the journals. I could get rid of them before I ctb, but if I survive then I want them. It's just something that's always been an issue because my privacy was repeatedly violated as a kid, she would go through my things because I lived under her roof and it was her right, according to her and millions of other boundary-violating parents, and like everything else she does to override my boundaries, my mom will rationalize why it's okay for her to read my journals after I die. There's not anything intensely private in them, it's just another fucking violation. And she'll read things about herself, but the point of that is that I write to work things out for myself, not passive-aggressively leave messages for her, my journal is about me. So every time I work out something about my parents, I struggle with leaving it or tossing it. I just never feel like I have privacy. Maybe I'll do some trauma work around it but there are more important things to work on right now.

For those who read this and want to reply with "You should just _________," the word "just" is a negation, and "should" is subtly commanding and also one of my mother's favorite negating words. Both sidestep my issue. My issue is that my boundaries were repeatedly violated by this woman my whole fucking life and I'm working through it, whether it has to do with my journals or with her using my photo to tell a different story than reality. If you get frustrated with how I'm working through my issues, as some here have demonstrated since I first posted (some of which I believe will likely be deleted by mods), then please go self-soothe elsewhere. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I need support, not to deal with someone else's frustration about how I'm working through my shit on my thread. I support others every day on the forum, this is my space and my time to receive support. If you are incapable of providing that, no big deal. It becomes a big deal when you make it about your emotions or reactions about what I do or don't do. That's a boundary issue, too.

 

[Isadeth]

I know y'all are trying to be helpful and come up with solutions, but please let the next of kin thing go. I meant it when I said I literally have no one, and also, I'm not in the States.

There's not really anything I can do about the journals. I could get rid of them before I ctb, but if I survive then I want them. It's just something that's always been an issue because my privacy was repeatedly violated as a kid, she would go through my things because I lived under her roof and it was her right, according to her and millions of other boundary-violating parents, and like everything else she does to override my boundaries, my mom will rationalize why it's okay for her to read my journals after I die. There's not anything intensely private in them, it's just another fucking violation. And she'll read things about herself, but the point of that is that I write to work things out for myself, not passive-aggressively leave messages for her, my journal is about me. So every time I work out something about my parents, I struggle with leaving it or tossing it. I just never feel like I have privacy. Maybe I'll do some trauma work around it but there are more important things to work on right now.

For those who read this and want to reply with "You should just _________," the word "just" is a negation, and "should" is subtly commanding and also one of my mother's favorite negating words. Both sidestep my issue. My issue is that my boundaries were repeatedly violated by this woman my whole fucking life and I'm working through it, whether it has to do with my journals or with her using my photo to tell a different story than reality. If you get frustrated with how I'm working through my issues, as some here have demonstrated since I first posted (some of which I believe will likely be deleted by mods), then please go self-soothe elsewhere. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I need support, not to deal with someone else's frustration about how I'm working through my shit on my thread. I support others every day on the forum, this is my space and my time to receive support. If you are incapable of providing that, no big deal. It becomes a big deal when you make it about your emotions or reactions about what I do or don't do. That's a boundary issue, too.

I'm sorry she violated your privacy. Not to even mention using your photo without your permission. I can empathize, but I can't truly understand how it has affected you.

I'm glad you're using your writing to work through what you can. It's such a healthy coping mechanism and can help unburden yourself from past trauma. Not entirely, but it helps.

I wish my suggestions applied to you, and I wish I could help you the way your soul needs it.

Never keep quiet about the abuse you've endured, and keep doing what you're doing that helps yourself. Your experiences could help someone else not feel so alone, I'm sure they already have. ♡

I hope your day is going better than yesterday. ♡ *hugs*

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm sorry she violated your privacy. Not to even mention using your photo without your permission. I can empathize, but I can't truly understand how it has affected you.

I'm glad you're using your writing to work through what you can. It's such a healthy coping mechanism and can help unburden yourself from past trauma. Not entirely, but it helps.

I wish my suggestions applied to you, and I wish I could help you the way your soul needs it.

Never keep quiet about the abuse you've endured, and keep doing what you're doing that helps yourself. Your experiences could help someone else not feel so alone, I'm sure they already have. ♡

I hope your day is going better than yesterday. ♡ *hugs*

Thank you for your comment! You've been helpful just by caring. No worries that your suggestions didn't help, it happens, I just didn't want it to keep going since it was already a dead end.

It's always surprising whenever I post a thread like this that others are helped by my sharing. I'm glad for that.

Came across this quote yesterday, had seen it before. It relates to what you said about not keeping quiet:

We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

- Elie Wiesel


Actually, I'm at a crossroads about whether or not to send what I wrote to my parents. I've edited it and made some more connections, it's been a powerful exercise. On the one hand, I can once again speak up to them. Doesn't mean it will get through, but at least it brings light to the dark stuff they're pulling, and also, I've never really called out my dad and this is a good opportunity. On the other hand, I can maintain the peace of no-contact. The Facebook thing is petty as far as how it impacts my life, and I have no control or influence over their actions with regard to my body and my belongings.

My mother knew the risk when she posted my photo. She does psycho stuff like this and then, when I fight back, she may back down, but then a few years later, she'll do something psycho again. Her cycle isn't going to break. I can choose to step out of it and not respond at all.

(@Pryras, I'd particularly appreciate your insights and opinion about this.)

 

[Isadeth]

Thank you for your comment! You've been helpful just by caring. No worries that your suggestions didn't help, it happens, I just didn't want it to keep going since it was already a dead end.

It's always surprising whenever I post a thread like this that others are helped by my sharing. I'm glad for that.

Came across this quote yesterday, had seen it before. It relates to what you said about not keeping quiet:

We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

- Elie Wiesel


Actually, I'm at a crossroads about whether or not to send what I wrote to my parents. I've edited it and made some more connections, it's been a powerful exercise. On the one hand, I can once again speak up to them. Doesn't mean it will get through, but at least it brings light to the dark stuff they're pulling, and also, I've never really called out my dad and this is a good opportunity. On the other hand, I can maintain the peace of no-contact. The Facebook thing is petty as far as how it impacts my life, and I have no control or influence over their actions with regard to my body and my belongings.

My mother knew the risk when she posted my photo. She does psycho stuff like this and then, when I fight back, she may back down, but then a few years later, she'll do something psycho again. Her cycle isn't going to break. I can choose to step out of it and not respond at all.

(@Pryras, I'd particularly appreciate your insights and opinion about this.)

You're welcome ♡

I still wish I could do more for you.

I think a majority of those that suffer want to heal/fix others because we know what endless suffering is like.

I loved the quote you found! Very fitting.

As far as sending or not sending the letter, that's entirely up to you. It might have just been useful to get your feelings out and therefore it served its purpose. Keep it, send it, burn it, all options... but only you can decide.

The peace you have from no contact might be worth keeping. Personally, I have disowned family, specifically my father's mother. I haven't spoken to her in 6 years. And at one point I didn't speak to my narcissistic father for 5 years. Do whatever you must to maintain your own inner peace. ♡ my father and I have a "relationship" in the sense it's more for appearance than anything. Like a true narcissist, public perception is key. So I play the game. It's sad, but it is what it is. His mother though I can't do that with. She's possibly similar to your own mother. Evil has many forms.

I'm still so proud of you for ending the cycle and being able to escape! ♡

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have one other option.

The last time she posted my photo, I told her to take it down or I'd tell everyone who reacted the actual status of our relationship.

If I do that, the responsibility for her choice becomes hers, and she no longer gets the protection of the public perception she created. And there is no direct interaction between us.

It's a logical consequence. I follow through on the consequences I set for my boundary. And when I die, they'll have no reason to exercise next of kin rights or responsibilities, because they would only put forth that effort to maintain public perception. They don't put forth efforts out of love for me.

(@Pryras, continued from the previous tag.)

 

[Isadeth]

I have one other option.

The last time she posted my photo, I told her to take it down or I'd tell everyone who reacted the actual status of our relationship.

If I do that, the responsibility for her choice becomes hers, and she no longer gets the protection of the public perception she created. And there is no direct interaction between us.

It's a logical consequence. I follow through on the consequences I set for my boundary. And when I die, they'll have no reason to exercise next of kin rights or responsibilities, because they would only put forth that effort to maintain public perception. They don't put forth efforts out of love for me.

Boundaries are fantastic! I should take some pointers. I'm honestly awful with boundaries with my own mother. Her case is a little different, and I was basically her parent so it's hard to step out of that role. I'm learning allowing her natural consequences are key, and that I need to allow her to experience them. So much easier said than done!

But you're absolutely right, after she's told it's entirely in her court on what will happen. If you feel it's worth doing, then do it. I'm still learning boundaries, especially on saying no, specifically at work. In fact, that's a majority of my therapy exercises Haha

I hope you're able to get it taken care of and now I'm also proud of your boundaries! Lol you just keep doing so many healthy things for coping and for yourself I absolutely need to take notes! ♡

 

[Fedrea]

Apart from anything else it sounds exhausting

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Boundaries are fantastic! I should take some pointers. I'm honestly awful with boundaries with my own mother. Her case is a little different, and I was basically her parent so it's hard to step out of that role. I'm learning allowing her natural consequences are key, and that I need to allow her to experience them. So much easier said than done!

But you're absolutely right, after she's told it's entirely in her court on what will happen. If you feel it's worth doing, then do it. I'm still learning boundaries, especially on saying no, specifically at work. In fact, that's a majority of my therapy exercises Haha

I hope you're able to get it taken care of and now I'm also proud of your boundaries! Lol you just keep doing so many healthy things for coping and for yourself I absolutely need to take notes! ♡

I suggest the book Boundaries! One of the best pointers that applied to this situation since she first used my photo is to give consequences to boundaries, like barbed wire on a fence or the teeth on a snarling dog. Another pointer was to not make threats unless you're willing to follow through on them. The book also has lots of examples of resistance to boundaries, and the book In Sheep's Clothing gives even more examples.

 

[Pryras]

Thank you for your comment! You've been helpful just by caring. No worries that your suggestions didn't help, it happens, I just didn't want it to keep going since it was already a dead end.

It's always surprising whenever I post a thread like this that others are helped by my sharing. I'm glad for that.

Came across this quote yesterday, had seen it before. It relates to what you said about not keeping quiet:

We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

- Elie Wiesel


Actually, I'm at a crossroads about whether or not to send what I wrote to my parents. I've edited it and made some more connections, it's been a powerful exercise. On the one hand, I can once again speak up to them. Doesn't mean it will get through, but at least it brings light to the dark stuff they're pulling, and also, I've never really called out my dad and this is a good opportunity. On the other hand, I can maintain the peace of no-contact. The Facebook thing is petty as far as how it impacts my life, and I have no control or influence over their actions with regard to my body and my belongings.

My mother knew the risk when she posted my photo. She does psycho stuff like this and then, when I fight back, she may back down, but then a few years later, she'll do something psycho again. Her cycle isn't going to break. I can choose to step out of it and not respond at all.

(@Pryras, I'd particularly appreciate your insights and opinion about this.)

I ended up editing my own letter quite a lot within the last 2 months. I took out the bits where I was demanding respect or a conversation since I knew he made his mind and wasn't going to change that. I could go no contact after sending it since i would have the last word and I felt comfortable with knowing that. I probably would have ended up even more hurt if asked for the bare minimum of decency and not even get that from him. I didn't end up sending it since new issues came up that overpowered the situation but I realized it would have been something for me to get off my chest, wether or not he listened or cared. Just a "this was NOT consensual" and If he had anything to say after that he could talk to a dumpster since I wouldn't be there to give him the satisfaction of a conversation. That's my truth and I don't need to hear his thoughts or opinion of the situation.

I think telling her you'll expose her lies would make her shake for sure but like before she may just wait it out and do it again a bit later. It would personally piss me the fuck off even more if she heard my threat and did it anyways but it seems inevitable that she will.

While In some cases I think saying nothing is powerful, sharing a letter like you wrote wouldn't hurt them or ruin them like exposing their lies would. You're approach and POV isn't meant to draw on their heartstrings because as you mentioned, they haven't cared before, but what it does is remind them of the truth. When you live in ignorance you start to believe your own lies, and a part of me thinks she actually believes in her bs. Sending it with no contact could be a big relief off your shoulders and also a power move since I'm sure she'll just inevitably post it again even if there's a risk in exposing her lies.

 

[Anonymoussn]

On the concerns you have about your family getting hold of your journal, have you considered getting rid of it before you CTB? Or perhaps giving it to someone else, who you wouldn't mind having it? If you don't want anyone reading it, but don't want to destroy it in the event anything goes wrong with your CTB, perhaps you could bury it somewhere? That way you would be safe in the knowledge that you could return to it if you needed to, but nobody else would find it.