Yes, i feel the same.
I started taking psychiatric medications when was only 12 years old, i was a child who had an imagination considered "abnormal", i also didn't know how to deal with my traumas, couldn't hide my dissatisfaction or act like a normal child at school. The doctor prescribed me Risperidone, which I used for 3 or 4 years. Without therapy or social help, psychiatrists didn't want to know about my real problems, just prescribe medications like candys.
During the use of Risperidone, i somehow died. Lost my concentration and my ways of expressing myself by 99%, i couldn't do anything i liked anymore, i felt weak, my most basic feelings seemed asleep. It was a very strong medication for me, the first time took it, i was sleeping for so long… I felt my body so heavy that couldn't get out of bed for days. I ended up failing school, my grades were very low. Lost a lot of memories, i feel like it fucked my head somehow. After a few years, i started therapy and psychiatrists changed my medications so many times that i don't even remember anymore.
It makes me cry and makes me furious, i see that everything i needed was help and feeling me welcome. A family member had sexually abused me at the age of eight, and i did not receive the simplest help from my parents. I grew up in a home completely alone, my parents were never at home when i got hurt or felt bad, Mom was at work and Dad was with other women. At nine years old, i was already taking care of my little brother, i carried responsibilities that were not mine, alone. The Risperidone made me forget my problems, but it made me forget my feelings too.
Currently, i abandoned the medications, but i don't know how to deal with my feelings. I carry many emotions that didn't learn how to express them and when i try to express them i am considered crazy, pessimistic or simply a monster. My panic attacks are very strong, and it is impossible for me not to be hospitalized or medicated every two months.
I feel my mother pressing me to take medications, people in my family also take it and say it is good for them, and they think it will work for me, they say it as if they were professionals in the field. I have used many medications, and even though none of them work for me, i am found guilty. They say it is my fault, because i do not accept "help"... What kind of help is it that harms me and sickens more than it really helps me?
This is crazy, why doesn't anyone want to hear before they judge? Shit.
