Story PSA: People who look happy on the outside may have CTB on their minds.

[MyStateKilledMe]

I read this thread: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ne-around-me-has-a-life-better-than-me.49902/. It hit home for me. It reminded me that looks can be deceiving. If you read my previous threads, you know that I was driven to CTB by my state's Corona quarantine laws. (Hence my name.) What stopped me was meeting political right-wingers online and attending their illegal party about 2 hours from me. (Social gatherings were illegal back then, since my state was still under the Covid quarantine.)

I bonded with some people at the party right away. Both men and women liked my dark sense of humor. I became good friends with the ones living close to me; we've done more parties and even road trips since then, such as driving into the next state that reopened long before my state did. In a bar there, we met another group from our state, and danced with them. Although after the quarantine was lifted, the taboo factor was lost.

Last month, me and them went to a "Back the Blue" rally, where I met a new woman they were friends with. We went to her house afterwards for pizza and beers; it turned into a party that lasted into late night. She was very happy-go-lucky, and seemed to have taken a liking to me. We were flirting heavily in her backyard, and she was snuggling on me, since it was getting chilly at night. At the same time, she came off as a bit jaded, and she said she wanted to stay single for life. (I feel the same way, interstingly.) Which was counterintuitive, since she's attractive and personable.

Last week, I found out that she was in the hospital for a CTB attempt. (I won't share the method out of respect for her.) This got me worried, and made me think of this site. Not to mention, it shocked me to the core. The way she acted, ferverently screaming anti-Democrat chants at the rally, and flirting with me at her house, it didn't seem even remotely suggestive of her wish to CTB. And yet, she tried to do just that. The doctors saved her, and from what I heard, treated her with dignity and respect. She is now safe, and I plan to visit her with my new friends next week, to watch the presidential debate together.

Well, this situation makes me second-guess my idea to CTB, even if Biden wins. But if my state and its governor brings back the quarantine it created early this year---which drove me to CTB in the first place---I'll have to make a cost/benefit decision, and go with it. Either way, I have this great community to hold my hand through the CTB process or my decision not to.

 

[kqlysrsly]

I feel the same way, interstingly.) Which was counterintuitive, since she's attractive and personable

Lol what?

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I feel the same way, interstingly.) Which was counterintuitive, since she's attractive and personable

Lol what?

I meant that with her good looks and pleasant personality, it's not a stretch to think that she'd have an easy time finding a boyfriend and being treated well by society at large. So the "jaded" part was a bit unexpected. I don't know her well yet, so maybe things happened to her in the past that affected her. Or maybe she was as badly affected by my state's Covid lockdowns and their social isolation as I was.

All in all, even as a pro-choicer, I'm happy she's safe and recovering. I like her as a person, and would like to have her as a friend.

 

[Lordsudbury]

My online persona is all smiles, travel, sun, achievement, friends, excitement, health, company etc. People stop me in the street and talk to me about it:

"I saw your video!!"
"Your stories are hilarious"
"Wow I didn't know you were back from ________!"
"Hey are you @__________? Cool life man"

The digital life is a lie. It's all a farce. I just went out and got my CTB supplies today and just practiced. Found a nice place on the roof. X

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

The digital life is a lie. It's all a farce. I just went out and got my CTB supplies today and just practiced. Found a nice place on the roof. X

Very true. Many a time, before I went to my first party with that right-wing group, there was a huge divide between my outside mood and my inside mood. The social isolation created by my state's quarantine laws---even meeting one friend in a park was illegal, and most parks were sealed off to begin with---made me want to CTB. Some people exploited an "essential business" loophole, and met with friends in grocery stores, but since most of my friends are liberal, they stayed home and did not want to meet.

So, for example, while I was joking with a grocery store worker about lack of toilet paper on shelves, in my mind, I was debating between slashing my wrists vs. drinking a whole bottle of Everclear vs inhaling a mix of bleach and Windex. All during the same instance. (That was before I joined this site and properly learned about SN and night-night.) My state, being extremely liberal, makes it very difficult to purchase a firearm; otherwise, I'd CTB that way, and be done with it.

In retrospect, it's kind of a blessing in disguise. If I lived in a conservative state like Arizona or Texas, where you can pretty much buy a gun in a Walmart, but with my state's left-wing quarantine laws, I honestly don't know if I'd even be alive today. Those states had some lockdowns, but nowhere near what my state had, and social gatherings there were not outlawed. So if I lived there, CTB'ing wouldn't even come up.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Very true. Many a time, before I went to my first party with that right-wing group, there was a huge divide between my outside mood and my inside mood. The social isolation created by my state's quarantine laws---even meeting one friend in a park was illegal, and most parks were sealed off to begin with---made me want to CTB. Some people exploited an "essential business" loophole, and met with friends in grocery stores, but since most of my friends are liberal, they stayed home and did not want to meet.

So, for example, while I was joking with a grocery store worker about lack of toilet paper on shelves, in my mind, I was debating between slashing my wrists vs. drinking a whole bottle of Everclear vs inhaling a mix of bleach and Windex. All during the same instance. (That was before I joined this site and properly learned about SN and night-night.) My state, being extremely liberal, makes it very difficult to purchase a firearm; otherwise, I'd CTB that way, and be done with it.

In retrospect, it's kind of a blessing in disguise. If I lived in a conservative state like Arizona or Texas, where you can pretty much buy a gun in a Walmart, but with my state's left-wing quarantine laws, I honestly don't know if I'd even be alive today. Those states had some lockdowns, but nowhere near what my state had, and social gatherings there were not outlawed. So if I lived there, CTB'ing wouldn't even come up.

Ah I didn't realize gun laws were different in different states. I always dreamed of driving down to New York or etc and paying someone off to buy me a gun or heading into the hood to get a strap.

Actually I think as a Canadian I could fly into USA now to do that but the landscape is so different right now doesn't seem like the right time. Even though it's the best time for it. Thanks rona

 

[rt1989526]

Just wondering why the quarantine laws would be your reason to ctb? The quarantine will eventually be over.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

"Your state killed you"? My state literally killed me because I cannot get ANY help. I can buy all sorts of things to ctb with but not one ounce of help to try to recover. Everyone says "just get on Medicaid" I can't my state bars me from it! My choices if I get sick are suffer, go in debt or die. I cannot receive disability because again my state and I can't get insurance because I can't work. So just as another perspective red states and "right wing politics" really do kill people. I get upset when people say "but you can buy a gun"....I don't want a gun I want to LIVE but I can't get any therapy or dr care because I can't afford it because no medicaid. So those of us unfortunate enough to live in a red state I'll trade any day with you! It's bs I literally would be thousands in debt if I went to hospital just because my state doesn't give Medicaid to people like me....

And no I didn't post this to argue politics I'm just giving perspective about the hell that it is living in a red state

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Ah I didn't realize gun laws were different in different states. I always dreamed of driving down to New York or etc and paying someone off to buy me a gun or heading into the hood to get a strap.

Actually I think as a Canadian I could fly into USA now to do that but the landscape is so different right now doesn't seem like the right time. Even though it's the best time for it. Thanks rona

New York has some America's strictest firearm laws; you don't want to go there. And the "hood" residents won't sell you a gun outright; they'll suspect you of being an undercover cop and hurt you in retaliation. If you want to purchase a gun easily, North Dakota or Montana are your best bets. Although since you mentioned New York, it sounds like you're somewhere in Ontario or Quebec. In which case, New Hampshire is your closest gun-friendly state, although its political leanings are more libertarian (don't confuse it with liberal; that's Vermont and Maine) than conservative, despite NH's "live free or die" state motto.

Just wondering why the quarantine laws would be your reason to ctb? The quarantine will eventually be over.

It's common knowledge that "eventually" is a dog whistle for "never". And if "eventually" was meant literally, when is it? Next week? After the election? In January 2021? In 2029? Exactly! The government will not give a direct answer any more than you (personal "you") will. I tried posting this question in another forum, and all people told me was "it will end when it will end". That's when I knew the quarantine could easily become permanent, because people are buying into it like sheep in the slaughterhouse. So CTB became the answer for me, and I joined this site. I'd rather die as free man on my own accord, than to live as a house-arrest inmate until I kick the bucket naturally. While the red states were starting to reopen, my state was still locked down tighter than Fort Knox: even meeting one other person not living with you, in public or in private, was illegal, and technically grounds for arrest.

"Your state killed you"? My state literally killed me because I cannot get ANY help. I can buy all sorts of things to ctb with but not one ounce of help to try to recover. Everyone says "just get on Medicaid" I can't my state bars me from it! My choices if I get sick are suffer, go in debt or die. I cannot receive disability because again my state and I can't get insurance because I can't work. So just as another perspective red states and "right wing politics" really do kill people. I get upset when people say "but you can buy a gun"....I don't want a gun I want to LIVE but I can't get any therapy or dr care because I can't afford it because no medicaid. So those of us unfortunate enough to live in a red state I'll trade any day with you! It's bs I literally would be thousands in debt if I went to hospital just because my state doesn't give Medicaid to people like me....

As much as I wish you didn't have to go through this nasty mess of yours, I'd still choose your red hell over my own blue hell. At least I'd know I chose it by voting red, rather than have it forced on me by my state "for my safety". As for therapy, don't even think about it! MHP's are the spawn of Satan. They just repeat back what you tell them and ask rhetorical questions, without telling you anything you don't already know. If you can pull it off, stick to psychiatrists; at least they can prescribe you pills; even general practitioners can do that, unless it's a Schedule 2 pill. Another thing: would it be possible for you to drive into an adjacent blue state to use their free clinics, or even move there? Much like how I drove into an adjacent red state to get a haircut, and later party with my new conservative friends. Because for me, socializing isn't just a fun luxury, it's a basic need like eating and shitting.

 

[Antigonish]

Yep that's me
Sometimes people will be like what's wrong, and I'm like nothing, the mask is just off.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Thanks for the gun advice.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Yep that's me
Sometimes people will be like what's wrong, and I'm like nothing, the mask is just off.

That's clever! I'm gonna co-opt that one. If someone asks me "why so serious?" or "why so sad?", I'll ask "you can tell?" in a pretend-shocked tone. When they say yes, I'll briefly touch my face, put on a panicked expression, and blurt out: "Damn! I forgot to put on a mask." That's the kind of dark humor I used with the new people, and they liked it. It points out how dehumanizing masks are, because they obscure human emotions.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

New York has some America's strictest firearm laws; you don't want to go there. And the "hood" residents won't sell you a gun outright; they'll suspect you of being an undercover cop and hurt you in retaliation. If you want to purchase a gun easily, North Dakota or Montana are your best bets. Although since you mentioned New York, it sounds like you're somewhere in Ontario or Quebec. In which case, New Hampshire is your closest gun-friendly state, although its political leanings are more libertarian (don't confuse it with liberal; that's Vermont and Maine) than conservative, despite NH's "live free or die" state motto.

It's common knowledge that "eventually" is a dog whistle for "never". And if "eventually" was meant literally, when is it? Next week? After the election? In January 2021? In 2029? Exactly! The government will not give a direct answer any more than you (personal "you") will. I tried posting this question in another forum, and all people told me was "it will end when it will end". That's when I knew the quarantine could easily become permanent, because people are buying into it like sheep in the slaughterhouse. So CTB became the answer for me, and I joined this site. I'd rather die as free man on my own accord, than to live as a house-arrest inmate until I kick the bucket naturally. While the red states were starting to reopen, my state was still locked down tighter than Fort Knox: even meeting one other person not living with you, in public or in private, was illegal, and technically grounds for arrest.

As much as I wish you didn't have to go through this nasty mess of yours, I'd still choose your red hell over my own blue hell. At least I'd know I chose it by voting red, rather than have it forced on me by my state "for my safety". As for therapy, don't even think about it! MHP's are the spawn of Satan. They just repeat back what you tell them and ask rhetorical questions, without telling you anything you don't already know. If you can pull it off, stick to psychiatrists; at least they can prescribe you pills; even general practitioners can do that, unless it's a Schedule 2 pill. Another thing: would it be possible for you to drive into an adjacent blue state to use their free clinics, or even move there? Much like how I drove into an adjacent red state to get a haircut, and later party with my new conservative friends. Because for me, socializing isn't just a fun luxury, it's a basic need like eating and shitting.

Some people DO want therapy and help from drs though. I don't want to ctb I'm forced. It's bull shit I can't get any medical help without debt! And ok at least I choose to vote blue rather than having no healthcare *forced* on me by my state. I have lots of physical problems too not just mental...so yet again I can't get ANY treatment unless I want to fork over $600+ to just go have the initial talk with the Dr.... forget about the thousands for actual treatments.

You can't just drive to nearby states and receive their healthcare because I'm not a citizen of that state. It's not like getting a haircut...you don't have to be a citizen of a state to get a hair cut. And move!??? With what money? I'm broke, disabled and can't work.

And for me healthcare "isn't just a fun luxury, it's a basic need" Healthcare is a basic right for everyone!!

Look I'm not trying to be combative but without healthcare my state REALLY is killing me...I'm just really upset about it. Agree to disagree on the red vs blue thing. The US just sucks in general!

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

And for me healthcare "isn't just a fun luxury, it's a basic need" Healthcare is a basic right for everyone!!

Look I'm not trying to be combative but without healthcare my state REALLY is killing me...I'm just really upset about it. Agree to disagree on the red vs blue thing. The US just sucks in general!

Believe me, I understand where you're coming from. We both live in a state that does a god-awful job at meeting our personal needs. But our situations are totally different: health vs. isolation.

Speaking of health, have you had any luck applying for ACA (Obamacare) insurance? That's https://www.healthcare.gov/ (broken link for safety), and open enrollment starts next month. It's a federal program, not a state program, so your state of residence shouldn't affect it. It isn't much, but should at least give you access to preventive care and catastrophic (ER) coverage.

 

[Mercury6737]

I was driven to CTB by my state's Corona quarantine laws.

Lol, what? You should know that many here have lived life in "quarantine" for years now, long before it was even a thing.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Believe me, I understand where you're coming from. We both live in a state that does a god-awful job at meeting our personal needs. But our situations are totally different: health vs. isolation.

Speaking of health, have you had any luck applying for ACA (Obamacare) insurance? That's https://www.healthcare.gov/ (broken link for safety), and open enrollment starts next month. It's a federal program, not a state program, so your state of residence shouldn't affect it. It isn't much, but should at least give you access to preventive care and catastrophic (ER) coverage.

I can't afford the ACA insurance alone. The plans are SO expensive. I met my husband this year and he pitied me so bad we got married (he is kind, the abusive person I frequently mention on here was my ex). One main reason he married me was so I could get some health insurance so maybe I could seek treatment for some of my physical and mental issues before ctb (I want to try everything I can.. ctb is my last resort). There is an issue with his insurance company and they are making things quite difficult but *hopefully* I can get reimbursement for the ACA insurance plan.

I'm sorry your suffering too. We are all here with different circumstances but those circumstances brought us here and I respect how upset you are that your state is hurting you. It's so unfortunate. I wish the US would just stop all their non sense and give national healthcare and I hope this damn virus goes away so we can lead normal lives again.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Lol, what? You should know that many here have lived life in "quarantine" for years now, long before it was even a thing.

Yes, true. An animal who was born in captivity or at least lived most of its life that way is better off. It never knew true freedom of deep woods or an open ocean, so its quality of life is unlikely to be diminished by captivity. But this animal (that's me) did know true freedom at one point. I used to be able to go out and socialize wherever and whenever I pleased, and loved every minute of it. Until my state locked everything down and turned me into a prison inmate. All while releasing actual inmates from prisons into our streets, "to stop the Corona spread". Which led to nationwide looting and arson less than a month later, including areas where I used to enjoy my hangouts.

So when I met my conservative friends, I was still in the CTB mindset. And at their parties, even though was dancing with the women, and high-fiving or bantering with the men, I was still planning on being dead in a month or two. It wasn't until I spent some time with them, and realized I wasn't the only one who refused to be a sheep and buy into my state's quarantine, that I started to have second thoughts about CTB'ing. And when I met that woman I mentioned in the first post, she reminded me of myself back in April and May.

 

[plough22]

My online persona is all smiles, travel, sun, achievement, friends, excitement, health, company etc. People stop me in the street and talk to me about it:

"I saw your video!!"
"Your stories are hilarious"
"Wow I didn't know you were back from ________!"
"Hey are you @__________? Cool life man"

The digital life is a lie. It's all a farce. I just went out and got my CTB supplies today and just practiced. Found a nice place on the roof. X

It is true, a facade some of us can put up and out to the world but it's only for a while. You could see me, seemingly head on my shoulders but really I'm a mess, I hate this life and what it has given. I hope you find peace too, you're braver than me. I need they extra push, that impulsive moment