Proud of myself - ordered SN without cancelling

[kai2001]

Sometime in July 2022, I believe, was the first time I ever ordered SN. Just one or two days later, I already chickened out out of fear of being caught and having to deal with legal consequences. Ever since then, this exact process repeated at least 3 times. Placed an order, waited a day or two, cancelled - almost like I was stuck in a loop. Not because I changed my mind on wanting to CTB though, just out of fear.

Well, it's been over a year now and I finally did it. Last week, I placed another order and it took me a lot of courage but I did not cancel this time. I just got an e-mail saying that shipping has begun and there is no way for me to cop out again. Now all I can do is wait until it arrives, presumably at the end of this week. I just wanted to share this because, as I said, this took me so long and it took me so much courage.

Now there are only two challenges left:
1. Somehow bridging the time until the SN arrives. I have no idea what to do until then because it's all I can think about. But I guess I will manage, it's a bit like being a child and awaiting Christmas
2. Overcoming my SI and actually taking the SN. This is the part I'm most worried about, but we'll see how it goes

Thank you for reading

 

[jessisme]

Have you been able to secure the antiemetics and the benzos? It's my understanding that it's not recommended that folks take SN on its own.

 

[kai2001]

Have you been able to secure the antiemetics and the benzos? It's my understanding that it's not recommended that folks take SN on its own.

Hi, I do have antiemetics, already got them last year. As for benzos, I don't have those but I do have diphenhydramine (benadryl) and melatonin at home. Will probably take the benadryl though and hope for the best

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans, I find it so cruel and awful how people even have to fear their ctb plans being interrupted in the first place, the fact that this society is so anti-suicide just leads to unnecessary suffering.

 

[kai2001]

I wish you the best with your plans, I find it so cruel and awful how people even have to fear their ctb plans being interrupted in the first place, the fact that this society is so anti-suicide just leads to unnecessary suffering.

Yeah, as if forcing me into the psych ward, making me pay a fine or whatever other punishment they would come up with would suddenly make me go "wow, maybe life is worth living". If anything, it would make me feel worse and push me even more over the edge

 

[AnonGermany]

Yeah, as if forcing me into the psych ward, making me pay a fine or whatever other punishment they would come up with would suddenly make me go "wow, maybe life is worth living". If anything, it would make me feel worse and push me even more over the edge

This is why i like this place so much. We can just openly talk without the fear, that the Person sitting in Front of you "signs that document that traps you into another Session at a Psych ward / psychiatry".
It helps to understand how we really feel and what we want. You can be.. yourself without having a reason to lie.

 

[kai2001]

This is why i like this place so much. We can just openly talk without the fear, that the Person sitting in Front of you "signs that document that traps you into another Session at a Psych ward / psychiatry".
It helps to understand how we really feel and what we want. You can be.. yourself without having a reason to lie.

I can't even tell you how often I've argued with people online about this. Certainly way too much for my mental health. Whenever I bring up how I don't want to be hospitalised against my will, they (usually people who've never suffered from severe mental illness) are like "Oh, but they just wanna help you". Okay, but it DOESN'T help. I've been to the psych ward twice, once against my will and once semi-voluntarily, and neither of those stays helped - in fact I felt worse afterwards. But I know for a fact that if I attempt and fail again I will be forced back into there regardless, because they don't truly care about individual patients and their stories. Psych wards are just assembly line-like places with the sole goal of keeping people alive against their will because it's what they've been taught or what their conscience tells them is the right thing to do. Sure, maybe they have good motives, but at the end of the day it's never about what the patient actually wants, it's about what the police, the doctors and the nurses want for you

 

[Otto Mann]

Unleash your soul and discover your peace.