Stripe19
Forgotten Martyr
- Feb 28, 2023
- 51
I can't believe i thought i was getting somewhere. Fooled myself into thinking i could progress.
I have no reality. I don't know what i expect to happen if nothing's truly real. Even the barest bones of reality i cant make certain. I tell myself im a girl but i know im not a real girl, not in the idea of CIS vs Trans, because i know other trans girls are definitely real girls, but more that they're just more than me. Even my fucking account's moniker here is stupid and fucking pointless. Who am i saving? What do i actually, GENUINELY help? My advice is so surface level and my aid could be done by fucking anyone. What justification is there that i have anything that could do better in anyone else's hands at all?? The closest to ""heroic"" ive done is calm someone down from a violent mental break down, but i didnt do anything special, i just told her "its going to be okay, i care about you" and did a shitty, really awkward hug. I set my own bar what feels like so low, i keep getting myself to trust and love and try again but every time i end up clumsily ruining things and causing even worse problems. People either think im fucking helpless, or they buy my stupid shtick that ill help them. I may hold to the word of being beside them but that means jack fucking shit when i can't do anything. People get hurt under my watch all the time and i dont protect a single one. Nobody cares for me, why would they? What do i do? What do i bring but a pain and pity? I dont want to live, i wont want to bring these people more of my problems. I am a lone problem that needs to be solved. My childhood friends get slimmer and slimmer and i get older and more literally lonely aswell as metaphorically lonely. Id settle for just being tolerable, but whoever i am, is a cancer to the people i love.
I have no reality. I don't know what i expect to happen if nothing's truly real. Even the barest bones of reality i cant make certain. I tell myself im a girl but i know im not a real girl, not in the idea of CIS vs Trans, because i know other trans girls are definitely real girls, but more that they're just more than me. Even my fucking account's moniker here is stupid and fucking pointless. Who am i saving? What do i actually, GENUINELY help? My advice is so surface level and my aid could be done by fucking anyone. What justification is there that i have anything that could do better in anyone else's hands at all?? The closest to ""heroic"" ive done is calm someone down from a violent mental break down, but i didnt do anything special, i just told her "its going to be okay, i care about you" and did a shitty, really awkward hug. I set my own bar what feels like so low, i keep getting myself to trust and love and try again but every time i end up clumsily ruining things and causing even worse problems. People either think im fucking helpless, or they buy my stupid shtick that ill help them. I may hold to the word of being beside them but that means jack fucking shit when i can't do anything. People get hurt under my watch all the time and i dont protect a single one. Nobody cares for me, why would they? What do i do? What do i bring but a pain and pity? I dont want to live, i wont want to bring these people more of my problems. I am a lone problem that needs to be solved. My childhood friends get slimmer and slimmer and i get older and more literally lonely aswell as metaphorically lonely. Id settle for just being tolerable, but whoever i am, is a cancer to the people i love.
