Progress (I guess)

[je.suis.prêt]

I — currently — do not feel suicidal. I don't know if this is just the good part of the progress-depression-progress-depression cycle that I've felt before where the feelings of emptiness and worthlessness eventually returned with vengeance along with the desire leave.

I still feel quite aimless though.

It is also near impossible to leave the house, I feel so safe and comfortable being alone at home when my parent is at work. In the past few months, I can probably count on both hands the number of times I've left the house.

I don't eat regularly either, my diet is about 60% junk food, 25% nothing, 10% normal meals, and 5% water. I've eaten so much of my comfort foods that the dopamine hit they give me feels like winning the lottery as a depressed billionaire.

I can only say I kind of look after myself… I do brush my teeth when I should, but I only shower every now and then [insert embarrassment here].

My favourite pastime of putting on noise-cancelling headphones at an unhealthy volume while daydreaming and pacing the same path over and over again has probably convinced the downstairs neighbour that I am a bit (very) odd. A few days ago, I found a new song I loved — A driver saved my night by Sigrid in case you're at all curious. It being new gave me a big dopamine hit. So I listend to it again.

And again.
And again.

…possibly hundreds of times on repeat until I'd squeezed every last drop of pleasure out of it, like a parched man given a soaked sponge. Is this my new post-depression normal?

Hopping from vice to vice, hollowing out each one for every last drop of pleasure or dopamine…

Maybe that's the next problem to work on, regulating the pleasures in my life.

Admittedly, this recovery — if I can call it that — just fell into my lap. I just began to feel better without doing anything. I haven't exercised in a long time, my diet as I mentioned is still not great, I never leave the house… so maybe the key to my depression is a break. Not just any break, a complete letting go of everything-kind of break. A no shits given-kind of break.

My SN is still stuck in the post, I am currently in a completely different mindset than I was when I clicked buy.

Vent over.

 

[Deo volente]

Thanks for writing this. I found it to be quite fortifying. It reads as something I could have written into my own diary, had I your lovely style.

 

[lukas19]

You sound like you have some life left in you.

 

[SeeminglyFine]

Thats kinda how i feel after starting treatment with stimulants, the realization that im still capable of experiencing dopamine hits.
The dissapointment of the slow diminishment of intensity of effect, first simply enjoying things, later on having to chase the feeling as its running away.

And continuously wondering why my negative thoughts are now triggering a different response, i dont rly lay in bed and overthink as much, more often i just cant stop those binge eating sessions, i even threw up a few days ago, i think aet again few hours later... wtf?
Strange thing is that this is happening on the meds and a week off them too, so doesnt seem like a temporary acute drug effect

The only thing is, im not sure im liking this behavioral change, sometimes i feel like i wanna chill and have less cravings even at the price of ruminating and feeling like hell in other ways. I dont understand why

 

[je.suis.prêt]

Thanks for writing this. I found it to be quite fortifying. It reads as something I could have written into my own diary, had I your lovely style.

Thank you very much ^_^ I'm happy you found it fortifying

You sound like you have some life left in you.

Emphasis on "some"

Thats kinda how i feel after starting treatment with stimulants, the realization that im still capable of experiencing dopamine hits.
The dissapointment of the slow diminishment of intensity of effect, first simply enjoying things, later on having to chase the feeling as its running away.

And continuously wondering why my negative thoughts are now triggering a different response, i dont rly lay in bed and overthink as much, more often i just cant stop those binge eating sessions, i even threw up a few days ago, i think aet again few hours later... wtf?
Strange thing is that this is happening on the meds and a week off them too, so doesnt seem like a temporary acute drug effect

The only thing is, im not sure im liking this behavioral change, sometimes i feel like i wanna chill and have less cravings even at the price of ruminating and feeling like hell in other ways. I dont understand why

Apparently depression is — in a nutshell — the brains' mismanagement of dopamine and serotonin, so I think even without meds the idea of feeling pleasure becomes complicated or difficult. We become pleasure-dead.

How long have you been on meds for?

 

[subhumantrash]

I believe if you can look back and call it progress, its progress no matter what anyone thinks.
Sometimes you need some time to recover and that's normal. Just make sure it doesn't become the usual.
I would like to ask, tried cooking? I find it pretty exciting to try new recipes in the comfort of my own kitchen while listening to some good music.

Have a nice day.

 

[SeeminglyFine]

Apparently depression is — in a nutshell — the brains' mismanagement of dopamine and serotonin, so I think even without meds the idea of feeling pleasure becomes complicated or difficult. We become pleasure-dead.

How long have you been on meds for?

Ye no doubt about that, along with enviormental causes and triggers.
heard in some video that Sct or ADD is correlated with higher likelyhood of depression
And adhd with drug addictions.

I think it has been about half a year, but ive been abusing them like crazy as soon as my tolerance built up and they started feeling different, stopped liking the effect, it became unpleasent, and continued to abuse the drug simply cuz i couldnt stop and was chasing the high that i felt the first 2 weeks, unfortunately binge eating isnt the only thing that happened since,
i been using like 10 drugs pretty casually..

I dont really understand if the cravings and the hormonal rollercoster is masking the depression or if its actually doing something for it,
I was so dangerously underweight before like anorexic weight, and now i pretty much have symptoms of bulimia in terms of the thoughts patterns,
dont know how much of an improvment that can be considered.

Oh btw, i even experienced the thing with the song yesterday as i was overdosing, same song on repeat for like 2 hours, that was weird

 

[dw33ter]

Any progress is progress, glad to hear that your suicidal feelings have subsided. Recovery is always extra tough, its like everything fell to pieces and you have a huge mess to clean up, and it always feels exceedingly overwhelming. No need to tackle every aspect or problem at once, just focus on one thing at a time.

I can only say I kind of look after myself… I do brush my teeth when I should, but I only shower every now and then [insert embarrassment here].

This was literally me for the last few years – I only brushed my teeth maybe once a week or so, though I bathed every 2-3 days because I live in a hot and humid climate. Apologies if the advice is unsolicited, but one thing that's worked for me in the past month was just making a "new month's resolution" to brush my teeth and bathe daily. It's been pretty good so far with maybe 1-2 lapses. Who knew setting tiny goals helped so much?

The music thing is something I do too, I hop from song to song after listening the crap out of them. Most of the time I do it to drown out any unpleasant thoughts I may have.

At any rate, I wish you all the best in this recovery journey o/

 

[SoftWorries]

So your username now means "I'm ready... For some healing"?

 

[je.suis.prêt]

So your username now means "I'm ready... For some healing"?

At this point it's 50-50, some healing would be nice, but so would non-existence. Still working at it :)

 

[SoftWorries]

By the way I think you're a very good writer. Do you write?

 

[Starlit]

Hey, when it comes to recovering, any progress is good progress. Your life isn't going to magically and drastically change overnight, and that's okay. Just the fact that you're starting to feel better is a good thing.

 

[je.suis.prêt]

By the way I think you're a very good writer. Do you write?

Thank you :)
I don't write, I just get some satisfaction by putting my thoughts down in contexts like this

Hey, when it comes to recovering, any progress is good progress. Your life isn't going to magically and drastically change overnight, and that's okay. Just the fact that you're starting to feel better is a good thing

It's really up and down, progress isn't linear as they say.

Thank you

 

[MoonsSurface]

I am at the depression part of the cycle again. I am beginning to learn more about the cycle. The progress, "good" part still feels the same but the lows are better compared to like 2 years ago. I acknowledge that I have made progress and "I" did it. I got here from a worse place. I recommend acknowledging your progress, it helps when you are down. In the past, I constantly thought about the "key" to my depression. Now I realize there is no key, i have to lock-pick my way out, I have to learn about lockpicking and try and fail constantly. Not sure about others I hope a key exists for you.

Thanks for the song btw, I don't listen to this kind of music very much, it felt very fresh.

 

[je.suis.prêt]

I am at the depression part of the cycle again. I am beginning to learn more about the cycle. The progress, "good" part still feels the same but the lows are better compared to like 2 years ago. I acknowledge that I have made progress and "I" did it. I got here from a worse place. I recommend acknowledging your progress, it helps when you are down. In the past, I constantly thought about the "key" to my depression. Now I realize there is no key, i have to lock-pick my way out, I have to learn about lockpicking and try and fail constantly. Not sure about others I hope a key exists for you.

Thanks for the song btw, I don't listen to this kind of music very much, it felt very fresh.

I totally agree with the lows getting progressively better. But sometimes they really hurt.

I too hope I am able to pick my way out of this knot of locks and chains.

Glad you liked the song :)