Well
I never thought i would come to this point at the same time i always had CTB in mind for years everytime things turns bad.
For short story, at young age i knew how my grandfather kill himself but i never really thought much about it.
But that incident affected the entire family, at dates of death, birthday, xmas, etc
From that i always been stuborn and bad at dealing with changes thinking my way was the right way and if was not like that not worth it.
Turns out life is full of shitty not correct things, and i looked for the easy way out.
Gave up on university because i started failing, but never told anyone, then i had a car accident that gave me pains for life without being anything serious that the doctors know how to fix. Got lucky that found a a gf that was full of joy , and for many years was the reason for me to live.
But the pandemic put us apart, and i instead of searching for a job convinced myyself that i would work for her family bussiness...
Last year idk really why, i started thinking that the only future i had was to kill myself and made all arrangements but she was there always to cheer me up long distance...
This year i started taking pregabalin for some nerve pain, i never told anyone that, that thing changed my behavior, slow and thinking i didnt deserve anything at same time giving a boost to thinking i was superman.
Well turns out she got tired, and told me to fuck off for good...
the thing i been thinking of CTB turned real, but i realised that was just a stupid idea to escape reality and i had no guts to go jump to train line.
now i been stuck in this world realising i fucked up a good thing because of stupid ideas
and realising that my entire life was based on stupid ideas and the correct way to fix it is really CTB !
But how? I have SN in my room for 2 months, but everytime i make plans i realise my mom would be fucked up (with a dad an son death by suicide).
same time to keep living i have to deal with all stupid things i done , that i knew was wrong but had a intention
sorry if this is not what this forum is for, idk anymore, i was a smart guy, but never admited i needed help maybe that could had changed
now how to know if is too late?
Im over 30, its kinda too late to admit i been fucking up and lying to everyonen since 18...
i always thought of train, because was the gd way, the same spot. but this year i was there, for many times this year i been on tracks, but always came back.
SN is easier, but still i just think of how the others will feel, who came to the funeral, the discussitions that will get for allowing a son to die
I never thought i would come to this point at the same time i always had CTB in mind for years everytime things turns bad.
For short story, at young age i knew how my grandfather kill himself but i never really thought much about it.
But that incident affected the entire family, at dates of death, birthday, xmas, etc
From that i always been stuborn and bad at dealing with changes thinking my way was the right way and if was not like that not worth it.
Turns out life is full of shitty not correct things, and i looked for the easy way out.
Gave up on university because i started failing, but never told anyone, then i had a car accident that gave me pains for life without being anything serious that the doctors know how to fix. Got lucky that found a a gf that was full of joy , and for many years was the reason for me to live.
But the pandemic put us apart, and i instead of searching for a job convinced myyself that i would work for her family bussiness...
Last year idk really why, i started thinking that the only future i had was to kill myself and made all arrangements but she was there always to cheer me up long distance...
This year i started taking pregabalin for some nerve pain, i never told anyone that, that thing changed my behavior, slow and thinking i didnt deserve anything at same time giving a boost to thinking i was superman.
Well turns out she got tired, and told me to fuck off for good...
the thing i been thinking of CTB turned real, but i realised that was just a stupid idea to escape reality and i had no guts to go jump to train line.
now i been stuck in this world realising i fucked up a good thing because of stupid ideas
and realising that my entire life was based on stupid ideas and the correct way to fix it is really CTB !
But how? I have SN in my room for 2 months, but everytime i make plans i realise my mom would be fucked up (with a dad an son death by suicide).
same time to keep living i have to deal with all stupid things i done , that i knew was wrong but had a intention
sorry if this is not what this forum is for, idk anymore, i was a smart guy, but never admited i needed help maybe that could had changed
now how to know if is too late?
Im over 30, its kinda too late to admit i been fucking up and lying to everyonen since 18...
i always thought of train, because was the gd way, the same spot. but this year i was there, for many times this year i been on tracks, but always came back.
SN is easier, but still i just think of how the others will feel, who came to the funeral, the discussitions that will get for allowing a son to die
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