Method Problems with chickening out in past attempts, ways to avoid/reduce?

[greyshalllay1995]

Hello all, I'm very new to this website, and honestly a little sketched out. I've browsed this site before (love the incognito mode by the way.) Anyway I hav a very long history of suicide attempts, and experience as a psychiatric patient (hospitals, therapy, you name it.) I've read in several other places that once you experience the void, or get close, that you can always feel it calling you. I've always been a believer in your own right to end your life, provided you do so in a mature fashion, ensuring you don't go out blaming other people for your decision, etc. That's all I'm doing, exercising my right to "opt out" of life, if you will. I've been alot of places, even for someone in her mid 20's, I personally believe that when you pack a lifetime of experiences, people, disappointments, pain, pleasure, etc, exhaustion in general is kind of inevitable. I deserve to have rest, just like everyone else. I currently have a plan in place and have made preparations as I've seen this coming since about september of 2018 when I first moved out. Again, i can re emphasize that I'm sure I want to do this. My primary issue I'm having is relating to existential anxiety, the "what if's" of what could be on the other side, although I haven't had any consistent religious beliefs since about age 16. I've found that even if I take a bunch of pills, I chicken out, usually end up in a hospital, and have other people checking up on me so much that I feel my privacy and independence as an adult are jeopardized every time I end up hospitalized due to a failed attempt. So I guess to put it shortly, I regret not following through every single time I make an attempt. What are some good perspectives, thoughts, etc. about what lies on the other side that can help me accept what may happen here soon? I don't want to chicken out and have my life, mental state and independence compromised yet again, yet I'm 1000% sure this is what I want to do. Any suggestions are welcome as every day I wait seems to bring more confusion altogether.
For lack of a better word, I'm confident in my decision these days, but I still have that unknown fear, and want more than anything, to get over it. please.

 

[Pinkdonut]

I don't want to advise I just want you to hear my plan.
Like yourself I've had past attempts that have failed through my own fault, "chickening out" halfway through and have been found and saved.... Those times were through pills.
This time I plan to jump.. but beforehand I plan to get rid (spend or what ever) every penny I own, make sure I have nothing to go back to, house, people etc, so that at the moment I get to where I plan to CTB, it would be too hard and too stressful to turn back thus the idea being the better option for myself just to CTB like planned.

 

[greyshalllay1995]

I don't want to advise I just want you to hear my plan.
Like yourself I've had past attempts that have failed through my own fault, "chickening out" halfway through and have been found and saved.... Those times were through pills.
This time I plan to jump.. but beforehand I plan to get rid (spend or what ever) every penny I own, make sure I have nothing to go back to, house, people etc, so that at the moment I get to where I plan to CTB, it would be too hard and too stressful to turn back thus the idea being the better option for myself just to CTB like planned.

I'm there too. I moved out about a year and a half ago and sort of, started with a clean slate, and so ive kind of maxed myself out too. I get it. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm going to do, in terms of methods, as I can't exactly afford another failed suicide attempt. My biggst fear being that I will be hospitalized and people's biases will cause them to be like "oh, her hormone treatment is causing this" and take me off it. (I'm transgender, for clarification)

 

[Pinkdonut]

I'm there too. I moved out about a year and a half ago and sort of, started with a clean slate, and so ive kind of maxed myself out too. I get it. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm going to do, in terms of methods, as I can't exactly afford another failed suicide attempt. My biggst fear being that I will be hospitalized and people's biases will cause them to be like "oh, her hormone treatment is causing this" and take me off it. (I'm transgender, for clarification)

I have a friend who recently attempted with meds who is also transgender who now struggles to get the hormone treatment because doctors believe the whole treatment is what led her to attempt suicide in the first place.. so I totally understand the biases potentially messing you up if you were to have a failed attempt..
My worst fear is another failed attempt.. because being locked up in hospital would take me very far away from my goal of CTB

 

[greyshalllay1995]

I have a friend who recently attempted with meds who is also transgender who now struggles to get the hormone treatment because doctors believe the whole treatment is what led her to attempt suicide in the first place.. so I totally understand the biases potentially messing you up if you were to have a failed attempt..
My worst fear is another failed attempt.. because being locked up in hospital would take me very far away from my goal of CTB

Are you in the united states? just curious

 

[Pinkdonut]

Are you in the united states? just curious

No, i'm in the uk

 

[Anon2662]

My primary issue I'm having is relating to existential anxiety, the "what if's" of what could be on the other side, although I haven't had any consistent religious beliefs since about age 16. I've found that even if I take a bunch of pills, I chicken out, usually end up in a hospital, and have other people checking up on me so much that I feel my privacy and independence as an adult are jeopardized every time I end up hospitalized due to a failed attempt. So I guess to put it shortly, I regret not following through every single time I make an attempt.

Every word of this is as if I could have written it! I honestly felt sooo stupid for worrying about what's on the other side especially as I'm not really religious. But there's a part of me terrified because a Christian friend told me that all people who CTB go to hell and the possibility, no matter how small, that this could be true terrifies me. I also have had failed attempts ending up in hospital and hate my autonomy and privacy being taken away from me. So I'm sorry I can't give you advice, but know that you're not alone in these thoughts! :)

 

[greyshalllay1995]

Every word of this is as if I could have written it! I honestly felt sooo stupid for worrying about what's on the other side especially as I'm not really religious. But there's a part of me terrified because a Christian friend told me that all people who CTB go to hell and the possibility, no matter how small, that this could be true terrifies me. I also have had failed attempts ending up in hospital and hate my autonomy and privacy being taken away from me. So I'm sorry I can't give you advice, but know that you're not alone in these thoughts! :)

thats exactly where I am. I don't want to get out and find out I was evicted or that i have to live with my family. So what I'm trying to figure out is how to gt into the mindset where I can accept that this really is my only option. I've also been hospitalized idk how many times and I'm tired of putting financial strain on my family. Thats about as selfless as it gets.

 

[Pinkdonut]

thats exactly where I am. I don't want to get out and find out I was evicted or that i have to live with my family. So what I'm trying to figure out is how to gt into the mindset where I can accept that this really is my only option. I've also been hospitalized idk how many times and I'm tired of putting financial strain on my family. Thats about as selfless as it gets.

When you say how to get into the mindset (this is only my opinion) but to me that would sound like your still very unsure.
Like my past attempts, I'm very aware now that I wasn't 100%, that maybe they were cries for help rather than actual me trying to CTB.. and thus what ever help or anything else I was seeking didn't happen, which in turn had made my next (and final attempt) the end game.. like there's no doubt in my mind I'm not going to wake up from it... So again just my opinion but I don't think there's such thing as getting into the mindset, and although being inbetween is awful and I'm sorry if that's where you are.. I think trying to force yourself is more likely to end up as a possible failed attempt

 

[Anon2662]

thats exactly where I am. I don't want to get out and find out I was evicted or that i have to live with my family. So what I'm trying to figure out is how to gt into the mindset where I can accept that this really is my only option. I've also been hospitalized idk how many times and I'm tired of putting financial strain on my family. Thats about as selfless as it gets.

When you've figured it out, can you let me know? That's the one good thing about being in the UK.. the NHS (although I haven't used them for nearly a year) I have no money, so if I was forced to go to hospital as I have been in the past,having to pay for it would just put me into an even bigger dark hole. I really feel for you :(

 

[greyshalllay1995]

When you say how to get into the mindset (this is only my opinion) but to me that would sound like your still very unsure.
Like my past attempts, I'm very aware now that I wasn't 100%, that maybe they were cries for help rather than actual me trying to CTB.. and thus what ever help or anything else I was seeking didn't happen, which in turn had made my next (and final attempt) the end game.. like there's no doubt in my mind I'm going to wake up from it... So again just my opinion but I don't think there's such thing as getting into the mindset, and although being inbetween is awful and I'm sorry if that's where you are.. I think trying to force yourself is more likely to end up as a possible failed attempt

Thats the thing for me, I used to be on medication (until 2018) for borderline personality, and have previously been diagnosed with bipolar, major depressive, obsessive and anxiety disorders. In hindsight, I do think going off my medication when I moved out/ran away was a big big mistake. But then theres the concern of insurance, time to go seek such medication out while in college, etc. My belief is that I have no way to get help, although sometimes I wish I could have another welfare check. Again, I've made preparations and its a calming, yet terrifying feeling. I would argue that I'm still relatively unsure, but know its time to cut my losses as well.

 

[feelsbadman]

Tried alcohol?

 

[greyshalllay1995]

Tried alcohol?

Alcohol poisoning?

 

[feelsbadman]

Tried alcohol?

No, I mean just getting super drunk before you attempt. Could help with chickening out

 

[Pinkdonut]

Thats the thing for me, I used to be on medication (until 2018) for borderline personality, and have previously been diagnosed with bipolar, major depressive, obsessive and anxiety disorders. In hindsight, I do think going off my medication when I moved out/ran away was a big big mistake. But then theres the concern of insurance, time to go seek such medication out while in college, etc. My belief is that I have no way to get help, although sometimes I wish I could have another welfare check. Again, I've made preparations and its a calming, yet terrifying feeling. I would argue that I'm still relatively unsure, but know its time to cut my losses as well.

Yeah like annon2662 was saying in regards to the NHS.. unfortunately other countries don't have the same luxury as we have to be able to have free medications, hospital stays, medical treatments etc (not free we just don't pay directly)... If.... That was the only, or a major factor in helping you/ life, then I'm really sorry, I imagine a lot of people in the US etc suffer because they can't afford basic medication or treatment.

 

[greyshalllay1995]

Yeah like annon2662 was saying in regards to the NHS.. unfortunately other countries don't have the same luxury as we have to be able to have free medications, hospital stays, medical treatments etc (not free we just don't pay directly)... If.... That was the only, or a major factor in helping you/ life, then I'm really sorry, I imagine a lot of people in the US etc suffer because they can't afford basic medication or treatment.

To be completely honest, I'm still under my dad's insurance. but ive been hospitalized between 9 and 11 times. I don't want to stress him out anymore than he already is. Its not his fault I moved out and was stupid enough to stop all my medications. That's my mistake. He knows I've struggled and one of these days, they could very well put a hold on me and send me to a state institution

 

[greyshalllay1995]

To be completely honest, I'm still under my dad's insurance. but ive been hospitalized between 9 and 11 times. I don't want to stress him out anymore than he already is. Its not his fault I moved out and was stupid enough to stop all my medications. That's my mistake. He knows I've struggled and one of these days, they could very well put a hold on me and send me to a state institution

Honestly I have no reason not to trust him, as hes always understood, but im tired of stressing everyone else out

 

[greyshalllay1995]

uhm, is anyone still here?

 

[Anon2662]

uhm, is anyone still here?

I am :)

 

[greyshalllay1995]

I am :)

I guess, in short, im weighing the possibility between following through, ending it all, or getting help. I have multiple methods ready to go as I'm typing this. I worry about what will happen to my apartment, my standing in college (even though I have accommodations set up) my access to hormone replacement therapy, and the financial standing of my dad, whose insurance I'm still fortunate enough to be under. I think weening off my medication in 2018 when i moved out, knowing my diagnoses, was a major mistake.

 

[Anon2662]

My advice you be if you're not 100% sure (and you don't sound it) then now isn't your time. If you think coming off your meds was a mistake, is there no way you can get back on them? At least that way you've given it a shot? And you have multiple methods ready to go.. they will still be there at a later date if you decide you're sure?
I feel like a hypocrite because I won't touch meds, but if you think they helped you last time I think you should give them another chance :)

 

[greyshalllay1995]

My advice you be if you're not 100% sure (and you don't sound it) then now isn't your time. If you think coming off your meds was a mistake, is there no way you can get back on them? At least that way you've given it a shot? And you have multiple methods ready to go.. they will still be there at a later date if you decide you're sure?
I feel like a hypocrite because I won't touch meds, but if you think they helped you last time I think you should give them another chance :)

The swiftest way to see some kind of change would likely be another welfare check, if im being honest. Because then it makes it look like i had no choice instead of just popping off the pillow one morning and saying "hey i need to go to a facility" but then comes the complication of insurance, losing my sense of autonomy, etc.

 

[Anon2662]

The swiftest way to see some kind of change would likely be another welfare check, if im being honest. Because then it makes it look like i had no choice instead of just popping off the pillow one morning and saying "hey i need to go to a facility" but then comes the complication of insurance, losing my sense of autonomy, etc.

I'm sorry I'm not too sure how things work in the US :/ can you request a welfare check? Either way, I think you're open to help, so what the heck.. give it a try :) and like I said, you've got the stuff to ctb there if it's needed in future. Whatever you choose, I'm here for you! (Although it is now 4.40am here so hopefully I will fall asleep soon ha!)

 

[greyshalllay1995]

I'm sorry I'm not too sure how things work in the US :/ can you request a welfare check? Either way, I think you're open to help, so what the heck.. give it a try :) and like I said, you've got the stuff to ctb there if it's needed in future. Whatever you choose, I'm here for you! (Although it is now 4.40am here so hopefully I will fall asleep soon ha!)

A welfare check is when the police show up as a result of someone calling in out of concern about you being suicidal. i dont think I could request it.

 

[k75]

After reading all of the thread, I have to say I think it sounds like a better idea for you to seek more help than to act on any plan you might have right now. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything like that, but I believe if there's a chance of something better it's worth trying.

You've said several times you're unsure, and I think you should listen to your gut feeling about that. Death will always be an option, but you can't come back to life.

Anyway, you're calling it chickening out, but I think what you experienced was survival instinct, which everyone struggles with, and a fear of the unknown. Which is also common. I am terrified of change and the unknown. Those things combined with your uncertainty says maybe it's not your time to go.

I don't know if I really recommend this or not, but if you really want to force a welfare check on yourself, you could ask a friend to report you. Or you could just call 911 yourself but claim to be a concerned 3rd party.

Personally, I think the best way would be to just have a conversation with your dad. Tell him you think being back on medication would help you a lot. There's no need to go to a hospital for that, so no need for big drama.

Another option, which I've done several times, is see if you can get into a partial hospitalization program. It's intense treatment with access to meds, but you get to go home every day. Much better alternative to going inpatient, in my opinion.

 

[greyshalllay1995]

After reading all of the thread, I have to say I think it sounds like a better idea for you to seek more help than to act on any plan you might have right now. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything like that, but I believe if there's a chance of something better it's worth trying.

You've said several times you're unsure, and I think you should listen to your gut feeling about that. Death will always be an option, but you can't come back to life.

Anyway, you're calling it chickening out, but I think what you experienced was survival instinct, which everyone struggles with, and a fear of the unknown. Which is also common. I am terrified of change and the unknown. Those things combined with your uncertainty says maybe it's not your time to go.

I don't know if I really recommend this or not, but if you really want to force a welfare check on yourself, you could ask a friend to report you. Or you could just call 911 yourself but claim to be a concerned 3rd party.

Personally, I think the best way would be to just have a conversation with your dad. Tell him you think being back on medication would help you a lot. There's no need to go to a hospital for that, so no need for big drama.

Another option, which I've done several times, is see if you can get into a partial hospitalization program. It's intense treatment with access to meds, but you get to go home every day. Much better alternative to going inpatient, in my opinion.

that is true. however even a 24-72 hour hold in a facility would likely make the process of connecting with said resources, medication etc. comprehensively easier. idk. very complicated.

 

[k75]

Do you have a crisis center near you?

 

[greyshalllay1995]

Do you have a crisis center near you?

they do, but drama is one of those things that im trying to avoid. That being said, I'm also concerned regarding hormone replacement therapy, and whether i would still be given access to it following my discharge

 

[k75]

Well, one thing the crisis center can do is hook you up with resources.

It seems to me a welfare check and probably getting sectioned would cause maximum drama.

Talking to your dad would be the most peaceful way to go about things, I believe.

I really hope you can find a solution that works for you.

Oh, and if you're still interested in reading theories and stories about the afterlife and all that, we get tons of threads on the subject. Just search and you'll find a lot.

 

[greyshalllay1995]

Do you have a crisis center near you?

To be fair, i have been in multiple times, even by the standard of a 21 year old. my concerns lie primarily with hormone replacement that im currently getting, (and very very grateful for), the impact it will have on my autonomy, and the stress it could cause my family. Most of those stays, save for 1, were voluntary. I've always used the term,re- stabilization more than anything else