BARIZON
BARIZON 1st of His Name
- Nov 13, 2020
- 86
I think i have always been depressed and prone to anxiety and panic attacks, low self esteem and possibly ADHD. It never seemed to bother my family, and even when i was 16 and told my mother there might be something wrong with my head and i should see a therapist, she just played it down and said it was a teenager thing. So in 2014 i was admitted to college and moved to another city, but i couldnt focus on my studies properly, i could only think about how unfit i was to society, getting my drivers license was such an ordeal as i too have panic while driving, and all the other things such as dating, having a relationship and having a life. I was doing an engineering course at a very prestigious university, and its the kind of course that you have to put whole self into it. So as you might guess i started getting behind and only told my parents about it when it got close to the date i was supposed to graduate.
To cut things short, i got into treatment for a while but abandoned it, having to revisit and talk about my traumas frequently just made things worse. I got admitted to another college, this time in my own city, now the year is 2021, in the middle of the pandemic, i still felt so bad about how behind i was, was very isolated, and got covid which really took a toll on me. So i failed a very important discipline in my first semester, and in this college courses are given annually, so already i was 1 year behind. I had no courage to tell them, in a rush to makel things look better i had even said to them that some of the disciplines i had been aproved in the other course would make me graduate earlier. In 2022 and 2023 i got better overall, although still depressed but things were under control, but in the second semester of 2023 one of the discipline started make me feel very anxious, and for me my depression is worse right before i wake up, and this discpline was the first in the morning, 7 am, many times i didnt show up at all, so ,unsurprisinly, i failed it too. My parents think im going to graduate at the end of this semester, i don't have the courage to tell them, although theyre somewhat to blame for making me feel i was already so far behind and should try extra hard to succeed. I'm still seriously considering CTBing, i have no remorse for them, it kind of selfish of me to think this way, they do support me financially and I still live with them, but this is not the kind of parenting i need, i'm kind of a broken person, i just need a supportive and open enviroment where things feels lighter, they make me feel the opposite.
I can't go through with it again, having them telling me im throwing my life away, that im a liar and im taking advantage of them. I think its kind of cliche to cite the joker, but one of the lines in the movie really resonated with me, which was" the worse part of having a mental illness is that people expect you to act as if you didnt".
To cut things short, i got into treatment for a while but abandoned it, having to revisit and talk about my traumas frequently just made things worse. I got admitted to another college, this time in my own city, now the year is 2021, in the middle of the pandemic, i still felt so bad about how behind i was, was very isolated, and got covid which really took a toll on me. So i failed a very important discipline in my first semester, and in this college courses are given annually, so already i was 1 year behind. I had no courage to tell them, in a rush to makel things look better i had even said to them that some of the disciplines i had been aproved in the other course would make me graduate earlier. In 2022 and 2023 i got better overall, although still depressed but things were under control, but in the second semester of 2023 one of the discipline started make me feel very anxious, and for me my depression is worse right before i wake up, and this discpline was the first in the morning, 7 am, many times i didnt show up at all, so ,unsurprisinly, i failed it too. My parents think im going to graduate at the end of this semester, i don't have the courage to tell them, although theyre somewhat to blame for making me feel i was already so far behind and should try extra hard to succeed. I'm still seriously considering CTBing, i have no remorse for them, it kind of selfish of me to think this way, they do support me financially and I still live with them, but this is not the kind of parenting i need, i'm kind of a broken person, i just need a supportive and open enviroment where things feels lighter, they make me feel the opposite.
I can't go through with it again, having them telling me im throwing my life away, that im a liar and im taking advantage of them. I think its kind of cliche to cite the joker, but one of the lines in the movie really resonated with me, which was" the worse part of having a mental illness is that people expect you to act as if you didnt".
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