Venting Probably useless

[BrokePlatypus]

I first wanted to kill myself between 2nd and 3rd grade due to the court system and lying parents, abuse, cheating on my dad with a cho. This was when I first started getting therapy and it never helped and it only seemed to make things feel worse for me. I get told all the time that I used to be better but I just haven't. I dont wish to go back, I had nothing there. I'm not an angry person but it angers me to the core when people, especially my own mother suggest I was always a happy kid. I was known specifically for not being one and I was put into a special needs program due to not talking. When I first started having problems with schizophrenia, it was laughed at and I was just scared of ghosts. Life doesnt get better and it feels worse when people suggest that it was ever good. I dont like posting rants but I guess I also have a question. How do I tell my mom she ruined my life and she continues to do so by invalidating everything and moving the blame to someone else. I'm in the process of trying to get a DNR or helpful friends in place so that if I start dying for any reason I can barricade myself somewhere. I attempt every few months. Slowly getting worse and worse, I rip my hair out almost every night and cant stop myself from moving. I lose myself in dreams and forget myself. I spend hours trying to get high and listen to music that would've been on the radio before I lost intense emotion and try to brainwash myself into feeling that deep feeling. Like when you kiss your crush for the first time and realize that maybe you are loveable. I joined the Army to escape suicide and it ended up destroying my body within a few months and got sent home. I still remember locking in a 16c hacking job with a security clearance needed and I made my mom proud and I cried happy tears for once. About a year ago my medicine was taken away since I couldn't see my dr due to covid. I couldnt keep asking for money to cover it anyway. And now I'm here. I can hardly walk or move. Constant headache, intercourse blasts a bullet into my head and gives me a headache that makes me seizure for a few hours paralyzed by pain. They refused to believe me, because I'm the quiet kid and I dont express how much pain I'm in. But at the same time I'm not and still being held to that standard. I cant even connect what they think most of the time. My first time smoking weed was the day after I had to be taken out of school for uncontrollable crying. My nerves hurt so much all the time and none of these were red flags. They refused to help me and now I'm too far gone and would like to respectfully refuse treatment or anything in case something bad happens. Maybe I'd like to live if it was only the depression and anxiety, maybe even the trouble walking. But having all this while it rapidly progressing is too much and it's too far gone. If you read this, thank you and I hope you guys help your friends with their disabilities. I would probably be able to still run if someone helped me find a dr who wasnt going to tell me it was stress. Then my mom believing it and invalidating my blackouts, dizziness, pain, falling, headaches, hallucinations, chest pain, bleeding from my behind, peeing blood, popping my rib out of place, temporary paralysis, my limbs losing function, the list goes on.