Venting Pretense

[Starfire]

Im not sure which part of me or my head is talking, but I often think I'm just convincing myself that others care for me and understand me even if I really feel like they don't. I appreciate the things they do for me but I don't think they fully understand and grasp the severity of my situation and the things that are happening to me.

Sometimes I feel like I just want them to feel good about themselves. To make them believe that they truly help and change me. I mean they do, they help me in some ways. But then.. it doesn't really last very long. I crumble down to that same old place again: dark, full of doubts and inhibitions, filled with lies and pretense. Well, they do make me feel good sometimes- that's true for sure. But not in the way I'm trying to make them believe. And it's not their fault. It will never be. Their good intentions will always be highly appreciated. It's just that sometimes, I really can't help not to think if they're being real, too. I feel like they don't really care, and I hate that I think and feel that way.

It's just that I know they doubt themselves, too sometimes. I know that they often feel like they have nothing nice to offer to anyone or to this world. I know sometimes they feel as shitty and useless as I do, and I just don't want them to feel that way. It's true that they deserve all the love and appreciation for being such awesome friends and it's true that I'm really happy to have them in my life. So, as much as possible I would never want them to feel any doubt about themselves although I know that's really out of my control. I feel like highly commending them would bring them even a bit of self-appreciation and contempt. So, I exaggerate their help.

Now please, don't get me wrong. They really are a TREMENDOUS help for me. I wouldn't have survived if it wasn't for them.

However,

It's not entirely true that they push me to live; I guess I will always choose death between life and happiness.

It's not true that they taught me how to love myself; that is something I'm not sure I will ever learn to do.

It's not true that I'm healing..

I'm as broken as I was before, if not more each day..

Nothing much has changed really. I still want to un-live.

I want to leave.

I have to leave.

I don't like it in here. I don't like life.

I'm sorry.

 

[FuneralCry]

Often others cannot fully understand what we are going through as they simply haven't been through it themselves. Your feelings are understandable. Living really can be painful.