pretending isn't as easy

[Tionally]

i thought that maybe I could fake happinesses but it doesn't seem to be working. I've just cried for the first time in forever though. Maybe that's good? I don't know I don't feel many emotions.

What I'm trying to say is I don't have the strength to do it I think. I feel so alone. I do have family and friends but it all feels so pointless. Also it feels like most of my friends don't care about me. I just hate my life despite it being okay.

I think I need help. Maybe therapy and meds would help but it's quite expensive. I'm starting uni now and I don't think I'll be able to work on weekends with how pathetic I feel but we'll see. It feels like everything is working against me. Maybe that's karma for being a bad person because I don't think I've been the best. I just want it all to end but I'm also scared od death I think. I want to scream how bad I feel but confiding into my friends doesn't seem like the best idea

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

"Fake it til you make it" might work in some situations, but I don't think it's the way to go when it comes to having a life you find worth living. Your pain or discomfort with life, whatever form it happens to take, is there for a reason, and trying to "fake happiness" is simply trying to ignore the underlying causes.

I deal quite often with the feeling of pointlessness you describe, and working on it with my therapist has been very, very helpful, so I would encourage you to give it a shot as well if you can. It's a whole process, and sometimes you feel worse after a session than you did going in, but that's the nature of it—in therapy we face the things we usually try to ignore or avoid, that cause us to suffer, and that can be quite painful in itself. But, in my experience, it is worth it.

If you can, I would suggest looking for a psychoanalyst, psychodynamic psychotherapist, or someone along those lines. Modalities like CBT aren't really equipped to deal with a patient who feels life is pointless. Also, I would advise against seeking medication. It's a touchy and hotly-debated subject, and some people do benefit from it, but unfortunately a lot of practitioners these days will put you on meds before even understanding what's going on with you. If you do need medication for some reason, it would be something that a therapist brings up after having worked with you for some time, not part of your onboarding therapy package.

 

[timf]

Sometimes people fall into a trap of trying to live someone else's life. This can happen when someone sees a TV life, fictional character from a book, or even someone you know and tries to copy that way of living. Since it isn't your life, it can be frustrating to find any fulfillment in it.

It might be helpful to experiment with pursuing different interests such as a hobby, art, music, volunteer work, athletic activity, or other area to see what can generate a "spark" for you. Once you discover what passions you have, you may be able to connect with others who are like minded such that your passions can give depth to new relationships.

 

[nixdust]

Have you been good to those you wronged?

 

[Tionally]

Have you been good to those you wronged?

the bad person bit was a bit more general I don't think I hurt someone?? at least not to a serious extent. I mean there were many things I could have done differently or there were some things I said that hurt other people but I mostly avoid conflict I think