Ratherbeskinny
"Insert profound quote here."
- Oct 28, 2019
- 108
Just a little vent. Feel free to ignore.
The "voices" that say I'm fat and ugly, that I eat too much and will always be a fat pig etc. etc. are still there. But the voices that tell me that I just have to put an end to it all and that it's better in the end for everyone (nobody really needs me, as they've managed it without me for a long time) are so much stronger. They are not panicky, impulsive voices that appeal to me as the 16-year-old I once was, telling me to take every pill I can find. The impulsive, not well thought out and desperate attempts, which were more a cry for help thinking about it now, have changed into well thought out thinking - thinking 24/7 about how to do it, what I still have to do for it, what needs to be arranged, how to make sure that there is the least lasting damage to the people I care about etc. etc.That has to be the most exhausting thing lately. Constantly having to pretend. For example, I often sit next to one of my my family members and while they're talking about something fun, so to speak, I am thinking of things that need to be done before I go. I've come to terms with dying, I trully believe it's the best (and in the end the only) option there is for me. But sometimes it's so exhausting.
The "voices" that say I'm fat and ugly, that I eat too much and will always be a fat pig etc. etc. are still there. But the voices that tell me that I just have to put an end to it all and that it's better in the end for everyone (nobody really needs me, as they've managed it without me for a long time) are so much stronger. They are not panicky, impulsive voices that appeal to me as the 16-year-old I once was, telling me to take every pill I can find. The impulsive, not well thought out and desperate attempts, which were more a cry for help thinking about it now, have changed into well thought out thinking - thinking 24/7 about how to do it, what I still have to do for it, what needs to be arranged, how to make sure that there is the least lasting damage to the people I care about etc. etc.That has to be the most exhausting thing lately. Constantly having to pretend. For example, I often sit next to one of my my family members and while they're talking about something fun, so to speak, I am thinking of things that need to be done before I go. I've come to terms with dying, I trully believe it's the best (and in the end the only) option there is for me. But sometimes it's so exhausting.
