Preparations for the final day

[21Neberg]

Hi friends,

I'm afraid I won't be able to hold my promise to my psychiatrist and psychologists that I wouldn't attempt until I can get treatment at a psych ward. I can't hold out any longer, my plan has to come into action and give me what I have desired for so long. That's why I'm creating this thread - what are some final preparations I have to get in order? I have written my note for my parents already.

Thanks everyone.

 

[Quinlor]

are you still alive?
what do you intend to do? which are the final preparations?
do you want to talk about?

 

[21Neberg]

are you still alive?
what do you intend to do? which are the final preparations?
do you want to talk about?

Unfortunately I'm still here. I made this thread to ask for some advice regarding some preparations for my last day on this planet. I figured maybe I'm forgetting something.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Unless you're married, have kids, or have significant money or assets, there probably isn't much to sort out from an organisational standpoint. But do think about whether anything depends on you being here. Consider what would happen to any existing system within your family or circle that would be disrupted by your passing, and go from there.

It's always a good idea to set aside money for arrangements after your death but other than that, it's more about tying up loose ends emotionally I would imagine.

Are you sure you don't want to give treatment a shot? I think that's always smart, and you're pretty young IIRC. Peace and love to you bro.

 

[Egddios]

Well, you've done part of the hardest work already by writing out your notes/letters to family. I've made drafts, tried to write letters, but I end up getting so emotional, I have yet to complete any letters explaining to my family and few friends why I left, etc.

Do you live alone? Are there things you want to get rid of before you go? A couple of weeks ago I donated 2 garbage bags full of clothing to a charity in the state where I live; they actually came and picked up the clothes, all I had to do was leave them out on the porch, labeled. Then I rehomed my cat, which was heartbreaking (I posted about it here on SS).

Once I rehomed my cat, which was only a few days ago, it really started to sink in that I'm likely to hang myself or use the night night method soon, as in the next few days. I was avoiding calling my sister, who is super supportive, because I knew if I told her I rehomed my cat and started getting rid of things, yeah...those are the "red flags" of concern.

My psychiatrist and therapist are both aware I'm close to ending my life, and I'm instructed to of course call them if shit hits the fan. I've also attempted 3 times in the past so for me, this is a familiar struggle. My next therapy appointment is scheduled for Monday, and my psych appointment is on Tuesday. I'm torn between waiting, or holding on for those appointments, or ending it after I see my father this coming Sunday. If I hold on, I'll likely be hospitalized and from there, I don't know.

What I do know is, I won't continue "living" like this as it's not living. I did end up talking with my sister and she wants me to go inpatient today but I told her no, I'm waiting till I see the psychiatrist.

Anyway, this is YOUR decision and every human being has a right to die. I don't know what method you're going with, but I imagine you've given this a lot of thought and again, if this is what you choose, I only wish peace for you. You wrote your letters, and as others have mentioned, unless you have children or other dependents, it's less complicated to end your life when it's just you. Not saying it's easy at all, but as far as tying up loose ends...when it's just you, there isn't much else to tend to.

 

[21Neberg]

Unless you're married, have kids, or have significant money or assets, there probably isn't much to sort out from an organisational standpoint. But do think about whether anything depends on you being here. Consider what would happen to any existing system within your family or circle that would be disrupted by your passing, and go from there.

It's always a good idea to set aside money for arrangements after your death but other than that, it's more about tying up loose ends emotionally I would imagine.

Are you sure you don't want to give treatment a shot? I think that's always smart, and you're pretty young IIRC. Peace and love to you bro.

I've been passed around like a hot potato in the Dutch mental health care system for 6 months now. My reason has always been to try for my parents' sake, but recently my mother has shown her true colors. She admitted I'm a burden. My one reason to stay is gone.

I've always seen you as a kind person too. I hope your weekend will be better than mine.

Well, you've done part of the hardest work already by writing out your notes/letters to family. I've made drafts, tried to write letters, but I end up getting so emotional, I have yet to complete any letters explaining to my family and few friends why I left, etc.

Do you live alone? Are there things you want to get rid of before you go? A couple of weeks ago I donated 2 garbage bags full of clothing to a charity in the state where I live; they actually came and picked up the clothes, all I had to do was leave them out on the porch, labeled. Then I rehomed my cat, which was heartbreaking (I posted about it here on SS).

Once I rehomed my cat, which was only a few days ago, it really started to sink in that I'm likely to hang myself or use the night night method soon, as in the next few days. I was avoiding calling my sister, who is super supportive, because I knew if I told her I rehomed my cat and started getting rid of things, yeah...those are the "red flags" of concern.

My psychiatrist and therapist are both aware I'm close to ending my life, and I'm instructed to of course call them if shit hits the fan. I've also attempted 3 times in the past so for me, this is a familiar struggle. My next therapy appointment is scheduled for Monday, and my psych appointment is on Tuesday. I'm torn between waiting, or holding on for those appointments, or ending it after I see my father this coming Sunday. If I hold on, I'll likely be hospitalized and from there, I don't know.

What I do know is, I won't continue "living" like this as it's not living. I did end up talking with my sister and she wants me to go inpatient today but I told her no, I'm waiting till I see the psychiatrist.

Anyway, this is YOUR decision and every human being has a right to die. I don't know what method you're going with, but I imagine you've given this a lot of thought and again, if this is what you choose, I only wish peace for you. You wrote your letters, and as others have mentioned, unless you have children or other dependents, it's less complicated to end your life when it's just you. Not saying it's easy at all, but as far as tying up loose ends...when it's just you, there isn't much else to tend to.

I'm sorry you're torn between living and dying. It's a conflict I have far too much experience with, but I'm hoping to end it soon. Thank you for your nice message, my advice to you would be to hold out another 4 days until those appointments - suicide will still be an option after that, but you should always give treatment a try first.

 

[Jean Améry]

Truthfully your mother has no right to call you a burden when she chose to bring you into this world for her own petty, selfish reasons. She burdened you with existence while there simply is no need and no good reason to bring more sentient life into this world of pain and death. Imo you're too good for her and she doesn't deserve you as a son.

Ultimately it's your decision and yours alone. Why do you feel the urgent need to get it over with now? This is stating the obvious but anytime when you have the means, the opportunity and the motive you can CTB. Take comfort in that thought: "The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a bad night" (Friedrich Nietzsche).

Perhaps you could try to tell us how you feel exactly? We won't judge you and it might give you some relief. Regardless of what you'll do or won't do.

Good luck to you man: you're a kind soul and you've helped many here. It'd be a sad day if you would decide to leave us.

 

[21Neberg]

Truthfully your mother has no right to call you a burden when she chose to bring you into this world for her own petty, selfish reasons. She burdened you with existence while there simply is no need and no good reason to bring more sentient life into this world of pain and death. Imo you're too good for her and she doesn't deserve you as a son.

Ultimately it's your decision and yours alone. Why do you feel the urgent need to get it over with now? This is stating the obvious but anytime when you have the means, the opportunity and the motive you can CTB. Take comfort in that thought: "The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a bad night" (Friedrich Nietzsche).

Perhaps you could try to tell us how you feel exactly? We won't judge you and it might give you some relief. Regardless of what you'll do or won't do.

Good luck to you man: you're a kind soul and you've helped many here. It'd be a sad day if you would decide to leave us.

That quote sure is great. And the other nice words you typed are of great comfort to me too, thank you. I'm not sure if I should type out my story here - I wouldn't even have an idea of where to start. I dread this incoming weekend, I'm going to be alone with my thoughts...

 

[Jean Améry]

That quote sure is great. And the other nice words you typed are of great comfort to me too, thank you. I'm not sure if I should type out my story here - I wouldn't even have an idea of where to start. I dread this incoming weekend, I'm going to be alone with my thoughts...

It doesn't matter where you start: just start. If you feel uncomfortable sharing it in the forum feel free to PM me. I meant what I wrote: whatever you wish to share I will not judge you.

You're never truly alone aslong as people care about you. Which they do, at the very least here. Even if it's difficult to feel it, which is something I know all too well.

As the quote by Nietzsche shows many great men felt like you do at one point or another: it's nothing to be ashamed of and your feelings are very human. It's quite natural to feel confused, vulnerable, afraid and alone. I think almost all of us here have gone through that in one form or the other.

Regardless of what your decision will be I don't think it's right for you to feel this bad. If there's something to be done it must be done. At least if you do decide to CTB it'd be a in a better frame of mind. Sharing might help: why not try it? What do you have to lose?

 

[Kjo]

Personal Final preparations that I keep in mind:

1. Any living responsibilities?
Pets or children or family or friends that you're a caretaker or sole provider to - make plans for who will take care of them after you pass and ensure it's written in a will and notarized if necessary.

2. Current financial responsibilities?
Do you have any loans with other people as a cosigner that may wreck their world? Do you have a car loan or other financial debts? Are you certain they cannot be passed on to parents, children, or others?

3. Current assets?
Do you have anything to give away? Perhaps laptop, phone, car, etc? Make a will if necessary, or give away those items ahead of time. You don't want to cause extra grief to family and friends fighting over sentimental or financial belongings... Close out bank accounts and retirement accounts etc to make it easier for family to "close the book" on your life...

4. Costs of death?
Believe it or not, there will most likely be a couple thousand dollars worth of costs for dying - coroner, autopsy, clean up crew, emergency services, funeral, memorial, cremation or coffin, etc. I highly recommend having those dollars available to lessen the burden on your loved ones when passing.

Understandably, not all of this can be done for everyone's unique situations. These are just things I keep in mind.

 

[21Neberg]

Sharing might help: why not try it? What do you have to lose?

On this forum I don't want to bore anyone, in real life, well the harsh truth is that I don't have anyone anymore. Which is for the better, because less people will be affected by my suicide.

 

[TimeToDie]

... Close out bank accounts and retirement accounts etc to make it easier for family to "close the book" on your life...

You don't need to close bank accounts as you can simply name a POD (Pay On Death) beneficiary. Simply go to your bank and tell them you wish to name a POD beneficiary and they can quickly & easily list whoever you want on your account and it's FREE. Your beneficiary can claim the money by simply showing the bank a copy of your death certificate. As for retirement accounts (IRA, 401(k), 403(b)) they too should have beneficiaries . You do NOT want to close them out as doing so ends the tax shelter and will result in penalties and income taxes. I have inherited IRAs from multiple relatives that I've been very slowly distributing for the past 14 years and which could live on for another 37 years (whether I'm alive or dead).

4. Costs of death?
Believe it or not, there will most likely be a couple thousand dollars worth of costs for dying - coroner, autopsy, clean up crew, emergency services, funeral, memorial, cremation or coffin, etc. I highly recommend having those dollars available to lessen the burden on your loved ones when passing.

Your government provides a totally FREE autopsy to slice & dice you even if you're like me and that's the last thing you want. As for clean-up crew, that would be an argument for doing it outside if you're going to use a messy method like a shotgun, or if you'll decompose due to not being found for a while. A cheap cremation goes for around $1,500, though funeral directors do love to prey upon grieving families by selling them $10,000 caskets that just end up being tossed in the dirt.

 

[been_there]

@21Neberg You're not boring anyone here at all. You can write whatever you want and you'll be heard and supported whatever you want to say or do.

It was wrong for your mother to call you a burden. As a parent I can say that I've said wrong things sometimes. Parents are just people, and its really hard when you first find that out, or are reminded of it. Try not to dwell on that. It may have been her not knowing what to say. People who haven't been in a dark place just don't get it.

I've been through the health care system, and it is a fucking nightmare for a while until you find out what helps and what doesn't. Trial and error for the most part, both with meds and therapists. Meanwhile you have to ride the rollercoaster. Many here have experience of that if you have questions.

Nobody really know what helps except you. Not your parents, not the drs. I found it useful to think about what you do like, and spend time with that if you can. A book, a film, a game, a song. I don't know. You do.

 

[Jean Améry]

On this forum I don't want to bore anyone, in real life, well the harsh truth is that I don't have anyone anymore. Which is for the better, because less people will be affected by my suicide.

You wouldn't be boring me but it's up to you. I can only offer to listen.

 

[Letmego. Please]

If it will help & even if not, you will never bore me & i will never judge a thing that i promise.

Thinking of you

 

[21Neberg]

@21Neberg You're not boring anyone here at all. You can write whatever you want and you'll be heard and supported whatever you want to say or do.

It was wrong for your mother to call you a burden. As a parent I can say that I've said wrong things sometimes. Parents are just people, and its really hard when you first find that out, or are reminded of it. Try not to dwell on that. It may have been her not knowing what to say. People who haven't been in a dark place just don't get it.

I've been through the health care system, and it is a fucking nightmare for a while until you find out what helps and what doesn't. Trial and error for the most part, both with meds and therapists. Meanwhile you have to ride the rollercoaster. Many here have experience of that if you have questions.

Nobody really know what helps except you. Not your parents, not the drs. I found it useful to think about what you do like, and spend time with that if you can. A book, a film, a game, a song. I don't know. You do.

Wow another extremely kind comment, I do not deserve this. I believe there is a window of time where I'm alone tomorrow - perhaps that will be my 'moment'.

I hope you have a great weekend.

 

[Kjo]

Wow another extremely kind comment, I do not deserve this. I believe there is a window of time where I'm alone tomorrow - perhaps that will be my 'moment'.

I hope you have a great weekend.

You do deserve kindness, love.

 

[AutumnEmbers]

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. We're all here for you, friend. If it would help you to talk to us then please do. As others have said, you won't be boring anyone.

 

[21Neberg]

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. We're all here for you, friend. If it would help you to talk to us then please do. As others have said, you won't be boring anyone.

Maybe I'll bother this forum later tonight, but I'm retyping my note right now.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I'm gonna miss you a lot 21
Whichever you choose. I wish you peace. I'm so terribly sorry that this is what it came to. Much love. Perhaps I can meet you in the afterlife <3
Sleep well my friend

 

[Ruffian]

I saw this thread earlier today and got distracted by my own bullshit. I see you haven't typed anything for awhile. I hope maybe you're feeling a little better. I'm glad someone else said it so I didn't have to be the first: your mom had no right to say that. She brought you in, she shouldn't be showing you the door on your way out. I have a big thing about moms, mine abandoned me and the one who adopted me did the best she could. She wasn't great, but she would never call me a burden, and right now I financially am one literally. And I've felt like one a good bit of my adult life. But for your mom to say that is awful. If I were there I would punch her in the mouth. I would definitely say try treatment again. I don't know anything about the Dutch mental health system, do they do a lot for you in the hospital? It's awful in the US, they change your medication and put you back out on the street in a couple days. Anyway, you seem very nice and definitely worth giving another try. Just being young doesn't make life easy. I wish I had better words. and could make things better.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Also. There was a point my mom called me a burden. That hurts. A lot. When it comes to that. I know exactly how you feel. I try not to let it get to me but it does.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I don't know if you are still around. If not I hope you finally found peace. I hope to join you soon … wherever we end up.

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

Hi friends,

I'm afraid I won't be able to hold my promise to my psychiatrist and psychologists that I wouldn't attempt until I can get treatment at a psych ward. I can't hold out any longer, my plan has to come into action and give me what I have desired for so long. That's why I'm creating this thread - what are some final preparations I have to get in order? I have written my note for my parents already.

Thanks everyone.

@21Neberg -
@21Neberg. you are a kind decent man. The world will be a poorer place without you.
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I respect your decision but it makes me very sad.
I wish you peace whatever path you choose.

 

[DreamCatcher]

Thousands of people die every day without any plans made. You've already done more than them as far as planning and preparation go.

It's up to you what you want to do. And doing nothing is probably fine too. I wouldn't worry about forgetting anything, as everything you don't take care of will take care of itself after you're gone.

I hope you find peace and don't have to worry anymore.

 

[Soul]

@21Neberg, are you in a place where you're safe and comfortable? We're here if you want company, or if you want to be quiet we're here too. Please be kind to yourself and make the best possible choices for you. (((Hugs))) and peace

 

[21Neberg]

@21Neberg -
@21Neberg. you are a kind decent man. The world will be a poorer place without you.
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I respect your decision but it makes me very sad.
I wish you peace whatever path you choose.

Thanks, but I'm not worth your kindness. I'm trying to hold out until my planned psych ward intake.

 

[inconsequential]

Thanks, but I'm not worth your kindness. I'm trying to hold out until my planned psych ward intake.

You deserve all of the kindness in the world.

 

[been_there]

Of course you're worth our kindness. You're also worth your own care, please don't talk yourself down, you are a good person.

Its made my day to hear you're holding out. Thank you. We're with you.

 

[Letmego. Please]

You are worth everything that you think you are not, you have to me always been a kind caring & supportive person to me, so if I can repay any of that I will gladly.
Take care eh