MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,114
I just got done having a conversation with a family member that knocked my will to live down a few pegs. Actually a lot of pegs. I would say like from about 20% to 10%. Basically, what little desire to live that I had left was cut in half.
The bus may come around for me any at any time. It could be a week from now. It could be a month from now. I'm not really sure. I just feel like it will be soon, so I wanted to start saying my goodbyes and offer some last thoughts for what it's worth.
I have arrived to the conclusion that we will never be understood by non-suicidal people. It's not that they don't want to understand us, they just simply can't - because they are not afflicted. It's completely futile to even try to make them understand. Their inability to understand will just cause them to cut you off before you can fully explain. Because in their eyes, it's a waste of their time to listen to something that is completely unfathomable to them. They will only even begin to understand after we're gone.
From my observation during the short time that I have participated on this forum, I have gathered that there seems to be one prevailing trait (outside of those that have chronic pain or physical ailment) that most suicidal people have...and that is that we care too much. We care not only about others, but also how others affect us. Pro-lifers seem to be more on the selfish side and, in many cases, oblivious side. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Being selfish and self-centered allows people to move forward though life with little resistance. Caring too much exhausts time, energy and mental well-being. It's a hindrance. Unfortunately, many of us don't have the ability to all of sudden learn how to be selfish, and probably wouldn't, even if we could. Clinical mental issues (i.e. BPD, ADHD, ASD, chemical imbalance, sensory issues, etc.) probably make it difficult for many of us to be able to adapt accordingly to life in general, in order to survive, as well.
I now switch from using "we" to using "I" and "me", for the sake of not being perceived as trying to influence anyone else to CTB, per forum rules. I now feel like my only choice is to leave this planet. The way my mind is wired makes it literally impossible for me to keep existing without having to tolerate constant suffering and mental agony. The perpetual feeling of sickness. If there was a solution that allowed me to exist otherwise, I haven't found it. And I doubt I will find it before my will to live runs out. Besides, this life is finite regardless - what is so inherently wrong with choosing how finite it will be? We never asked to be here in the first place.
All I can say is that if "I" we're trying to find a way to try and continue to live, I know I would have to find a way to be more selfish. Find a way to not let things easily effect me. That is imperative and non-negotiable. But, as I mentioned previously, I don't see this happening. It is what it is. Turning it all off with the flick of the switch is the only way I know to make the pain of existing as a human go away. You (meant in the general first-person form) really have to be blessed with certain circumstances and traits to have the will to live in this world.
The bus may come around for me any at any time. It could be a week from now. It could be a month from now. I'm not really sure. I just feel like it will be soon, so I wanted to start saying my goodbyes and offer some last thoughts for what it's worth.
I have arrived to the conclusion that we will never be understood by non-suicidal people. It's not that they don't want to understand us, they just simply can't - because they are not afflicted. It's completely futile to even try to make them understand. Their inability to understand will just cause them to cut you off before you can fully explain. Because in their eyes, it's a waste of their time to listen to something that is completely unfathomable to them. They will only even begin to understand after we're gone.
From my observation during the short time that I have participated on this forum, I have gathered that there seems to be one prevailing trait (outside of those that have chronic pain or physical ailment) that most suicidal people have...and that is that we care too much. We care not only about others, but also how others affect us. Pro-lifers seem to be more on the selfish side and, in many cases, oblivious side. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Being selfish and self-centered allows people to move forward though life with little resistance. Caring too much exhausts time, energy and mental well-being. It's a hindrance. Unfortunately, many of us don't have the ability to all of sudden learn how to be selfish, and probably wouldn't, even if we could. Clinical mental issues (i.e. BPD, ADHD, ASD, chemical imbalance, sensory issues, etc.) probably make it difficult for many of us to be able to adapt accordingly to life in general, in order to survive, as well.
I now switch from using "we" to using "I" and "me", for the sake of not being perceived as trying to influence anyone else to CTB, per forum rules. I now feel like my only choice is to leave this planet. The way my mind is wired makes it literally impossible for me to keep existing without having to tolerate constant suffering and mental agony. The perpetual feeling of sickness. If there was a solution that allowed me to exist otherwise, I haven't found it. And I doubt I will find it before my will to live runs out. Besides, this life is finite regardless - what is so inherently wrong with choosing how finite it will be? We never asked to be here in the first place.
All I can say is that if "I" we're trying to find a way to try and continue to live, I know I would have to find a way to be more selfish. Find a way to not let things easily effect me. That is imperative and non-negotiable. But, as I mentioned previously, I don't see this happening. It is what it is. Turning it all off with the flick of the switch is the only way I know to make the pain of existing as a human go away. You (meant in the general first-person form) really have to be blessed with certain circumstances and traits to have the will to live in this world.
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