Practiced setting up rope

[Ta555]

I just went to the garage and tied my new rope to the anchor point for the first time. For some reason I thought it would take ages and I'd be down there forever but it was really fast. A little underwhelming actually. It just makes me realise how quickly you can CTB. Which is a good thing I guess. Idk how to feel about it all. But good to know it doesn't take a lot of time. A lot of things on my mind lately. I'm still hoping it's not going to get to that point. Thanks for listening and answering my questions and talking to me. Being here calms me down and makes me wait another day...and then another...

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Just remember there is no rush. It always helps to go through the motions and double check your method. It is normal to feel mixed emotions about your own death. I must admit it is very surreal to know you are going to die by suicide. Self destruction is a very hard concept to grasp.

 

[Ta555]

Just remember there is no rush. It always helps to go through the motions and double check your method. It is normal to feel mixed emotions about your own death. I must admit it is very surreal to know you are going to die by suicide. Self destruction is a very hard concept to grasp.

Yeah thank you. There is definitely no rush but sometimes I feel like I am being tortured, combination of neurological issues and bad reaction to psych drugs and like I can't handle any more. I want to know that I can go at any time and right now it's a bit stressful as it's holiday season so I won't be home alone for like two weeks and that's stresses me because part of me thinks, I don't know if I can hang on for two weeks. But I guess I have no options but to try. Thanks for the kind words.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yeah thank you. There is definitely no rush but sometimes I feel like I am being tortured, combination of neurological issues and bad reaction to psych drugs and like I can't handle any more. I want to know that I can go at any time and right now it's a bit stressful as it's holiday season so I won't be home alone for like two weeks and that's stresses me because part of me thinks, I don't know if I can hang on for two weeks. But I guess I have no options but to try. Thanks for the kind words.

Funny enough I was planning on ctb this weekend until I realized it is xmas. I guess that is how out of touch with reality I am these days. Worst case scenario you have to wait a little longer than you planned. But if you have any reservations it is probably good idea to wait until you feel ready. After all it will be the last thing you will ever do.

 

[Ta555]

Y

Funny enough I was planning on ctb this weekend until I realized it is xmas. I guess that is how out of touch with reality I am these days. Worst case scenario you have to wait a little longer than you planned. But if you have any reservations it is probably good idea to wait until you feel ready. After all it will be the last thing you will ever do.

Yes I keep reminding myself of all the positive things I still hope I can do in the future if I heal from this thing!

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yes I keep reminding myself of all the positive things I still hope I can do in the future if I heal from this thing!

I think it is worth exhausting different options before finally settling on ctb. Suicide is always on the table if you choose to return to it. But if you have a nagging feeling that is beyond the normal SI, then you should really take time and think about it.

It is definitely hard though. I had a really good opportunity to die in the past but I ultimately failed to capitalize on it. The problem is you never know when the next good opportunity will come. Next time might be 2 months from now or 20 years later.

 

[wait-for-the-bus]

When the decision is made, I want it to happen fast as if I have done it a 100 times before - step up and drop into darkness.

 

[Ta555]

I think it is worth exhausting different options before finally settling on ctb. Suicide is always on the table if you choose to return to it. But if you have a nagging feeling that is beyond the normal SI, then you should really take time and think about it.

It is definitely hard though. I had a really good opportunity to die in the past but I ultimately failed to capitalize on it. The problem is you never know when the next good opportunity will come. Next time might be 2 months from now or 20 years later.

Tbh I'm not afraid of dying or even the thought of hanging. I'm afraid of being found too early. Even though in home alone 8+ hours a day and I don't actually want to die because there's so many nice things in my life but my brain makes my existence awful to say the least. It's like I'm fucking mad at fate or whatever, like why did this have to happen to me? Which probably is very self-centred as shit happens to people all the time but I really don't want to go. I have awesome friends and nice family and hobbies I love but I can't do any of these things properly now because of my brain. I still hope it will heal but there's only so long a person can live like this.
I'm so mad at perhaps having to die, like someone asking me to leave my own party early. I didn't ask for this shit to happen to me, I didn't give permission to have these issues. I'm so fucking mad at the world or universe or whatever you want to call it. Ugh...I'll stop ranting now.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is very unfair. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I also have fears of being found, but after all it is our lives, our decision and other people should have no say in it. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. At least you have a plan in place so you can exit if things become unbearable.