Postvention - How to minimize the impact of suicide?

[Firerebel]

Postvention is the care of the people you leave behind

Have any of you had experience with this? What makes suicide worse than accidental death? Can you imagine anything that would make it easier to swallow? What if it was revealed that the person you lost was doing some extremely wrong stuff, that most of everyone vehemently hates. Does that effect your level of grief?

Would you rather have an extremely explanatory letter or nothing at all?

What if it was not apparent at all that it was a suicide?

 

[OK_Smile]

An suicide or accidental death will hurt people so hard, there's nothing you can do about it. In my point of view you need to be a little bit selfish about that, since you're dead you don't need to care about this at all. It's important to know that time cures everything, after 1, 3, 5, 10 years, the people that care about you will be kind of cured about the suffering. Maybe not appering that was a suicide will reduce the impact a litte bit, but i rather kill myself and leave a video explaining why i did this and making clear that's no one's fault.

 

[Firerebel]

I have entirely selfish reasons for caring what happens to others after I die. I've only ever cared about myself.

after 1, 3, 5, 10 years, the people that care about you will be kind of cured about the suffering

Unlikely. A mother could never get over that. I have a brother, there's a chance he also kills himself after I go.

 

[OK_Smile]

I have entirely selfish reasons for caring what happens to others after I die. I've only ever cared about myself.

I've read your post better and i got it, in my case i think i would leave a video, explaining everything and making sure that no one feels guilty about my suicide.

I have entirely selfish reasons for caring what happens to others after I die. I've only ever cared about myself.



Unlikely. A mother could never get over that. I have a brother, there's a chance he also kills himself after I go.

It's not like its matters, you will be dead anyway lol

 

[Firerebel]

I've been afforded a lot of time to think obsessively about our existence, by the same circumstances that led to my depression. I've come to the conclusion that there is at least a good chance we are always in existence. You die, then you wake up, again. This of course implies that the same process occurred with your birth. And it makes sense. Before birth, after death, they are one and the same. An period of nonexistence of unknown duration. But not an infinite duration. I believe I will have to personally contend with the harm I cause to the rest of you, just as I have to contend with the harm you cause me.

So, with this belief it is in my best interest to stay alive and work to fix myself, my family and then the rest of you. But I'm a little too broken I think. I've given it a fair shake I just don't have it in me. It makes me sad. I spend most of my time fantasizing and it hurts.

It's not like its matters, you will be dead anyway lol

I don't share the beliefs you do concerning death. And if I believe that I've done the best I can regarding caring for my family I will be more likely to actually commit suicide guilt free.

 

[Vegrau]

For me its easy. By making people hate me or very least stay the f away. And not making any ties in the first place.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Postvention is the care of the people you leave behind

Have any of you had experience with this? What makes suicide worse than accidental death? Can you imagine anything that would make it easier to swallow? What if it was revealed that the person you lost was doing some extremely wrong stuff, that most of everyone vehemently hates. Does that effect your level of grief?

Would you rather have an extremely explanatory letter or nothing at all?

What if it was not apparent at all that it was a suicide?

I'm leaving a detailed explanation and also taking care of logistics like funeral planning, access to my accounts, having a will ready to avoid probate, etc. You can find a lot online if you look for steps to take after a normal death, and how to grieve after a suicide.

 

[DreamCatcher]

The best solution I can think of is a death where it doesn't look like suicide. Out camping and doing the tent CO coal method comes to mind. "They knew better but loved the outdoors and it was cold that night" kind of thing.

It's tough because I think the best method for me is the night night method, but that's going to be attributed as an obvious suicide. The best case would be to do it somewhere in a forest or backwoods somewhere where someone wouldn't find the body.

I think an accidental death is easier to take than suicide so when my time comes I'll try to cover up any other tracks and let them think I died doing something I loved. My family doesn't really know the real me anyway so it'd be fine.

I'm planning on giving away most of what I own of any value before I go, so there won't need to be a will for anything valuable. The family vultures won't pick over my bones like they did for my grandpa when he died and they came and took everything that had any value that wasn't nailed down.

 

[Firerebel]

Could it be helpful to the grieving if they discovered something awful about you or would that just make it worse?

 

[Vegrau]

Could it be helpful to the grieving if they discovered something awful about you or would that just make it worse?

Depend solely on how much they care. The more they care the worse they will feel.

 

[Mom]

I think about this probably every minute of the day. My son turned 1 today. The rest of my family will probably be upset but I'm not really concerned about that. I'm concerned about my kid. I look at the statistics and it really fuks with me. I will leave him behind loads of goods but...as I found. Money and material bs isn't the answer. I worry that me ctb is going to be something he will have to deal with the rest of his life. I'm terrified for him. But I know I'm too sick to continue being a good mother. It's all really fuked up. Am I dooming my son to the same shitty fate as me? Probably. Fml

 

[Firerebel]

Depend solely on how much they care. The more they care the worse they will feel.

You don't think the reaction could ever be "I can't care about this person, look at what they did!!!"

 

[Vegrau]

You don't think the reaction could ever be "I can't care about this person, look at what they did!!!"

Yes but then they will feel betrayed and hurt first if they ever care for you.

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

considering that majority wont suicide anyways i wouldnt put too much thoughts into it

wasted energy

 

[riverstyx]

I don't know if there's anything you could do to ease the pain.

In my case I'm terminally I'll. I suspect dying from suicide would be more traumatic for the people I leave behind than simply dying from my disease.

I especially worry for my mother. Nobody should be forced to bury their own children, but it is what it is. Tough situation, but what can I do?

 

[Final Escape]

I think about this probably every minute of the day. My son turned 1 today. The rest of my family will probably be upset but I'm not really concerned about that. I'm concerned about my kid. I look at the statistics and it really fuks with me. I will leave him behind loads of goods but...as I found. Money and material bs isn't the answer. I worry that me ctb is going to be something he will have to deal with the rest of his life. I'm terrified for him. But I know I'm too sick to continue being a good mother. It's all really fuked up. Am I dooming my son to the same shitty fate as me? Probably. Fml

What kind of illness are u dealing with? That's so sad to feel like u have to leave your son :(

 

[Meg]

I think about this probably every minute of the day. My son turned 1 today. The rest of my family will probably be upset but I'm not really concerned about that. I'm concerned about my kid. I look at the statistics and it really fuks with me. I will leave him behind loads of goods but...as I found. Money and material bs isn't the answer. I worry that me ctb is going to be something he will have to deal with the rest of his life. I'm terrified for him. But I know I'm too sick to continue being a good mother. It's all really fuked up. Am I dooming my son to the same shitty fate as me? Probably. Fml

This really made me think. I came the the conclusion, brutal truth, he would probably be less messed up later in life if you did it now when he's so little and won't remember you. I mean yeah, he will have grown up without you as a mom and knowing (perhaps) that she killed herself and that will mess with him but he won't miss you and the time you spent together. He won't see things or smell things or hear things that remind him of you and reopen the wound all of the time. Know what I mean?

 

[Kjo]

My experience with death follows.
(Disclaimer: This is not intended to persuade or dissuade anyone from any decision. Do what is best or needed for your own life. I support you. These are just my experiences with the different categories of loss.)

Loss from a natural cause:
(my best friend - cancer)
I damned the God(s) and skies and universe for taking her. I hated the world for the pain and suffering she had to endure at such a young age. She had to be strong for her parents, family, and friends. It was tragic. I miss her a lot and view her as brave, incredibly strong, etc.

Ultimately, we all healed from this, aside from seeing the world as a darker place and missing her.


Loss from suicide:
(my best friend, no suicide letters)
... Everyone close to her blamed themselves. Many attempted suicide after, started self harming or drugs/alcohol, and her family definitely felt the impact. Her brothers cut out the family entirely and disconnected. The mom cannot work or do anything. The dad posts every year about his daughter he misses so much and how much she loved everyone. Nobody really treated her right when she was here, myself included honestly. I will never forgive myself and I will always blame myself as her best friend. Still see her as incredibly strong and brave. I had taken her to therapists as she confided in me with her wanting to ctb. We talked extensively about the subject.

Ultimately everyone is severely damaged except those few that were most mean to her... Those bullies came to the funeral and laughed - not kidding.


Loss from old age:
(Practically my mom/guardian)
I knew it would come. I held her hand and kissed her goodbye before she passed. She was strong and brave, saying she will go soon and she's ready. It brought the family together. We celebrated her life in her last few months of hospice and we all made time for her no matter what. We all felt strong and brave before, during, and after her passing. I felt a peace with the world with it. She was a great women, and just like the others, strong and brave.

Ultimately, it was peaceful and not damaging in anyway, I think.



Much love.

 

[cornflowerblue]

This really made me think. I came the the conclusion, brutal truth, he would probably be less messed up later in life if you did it now when he's so little and won't remember you. I mean yeah, he will have grown up without you as a mom and knowing (perhaps) that she killed herself and that will mess with him but he won't miss you and the time you spent together. He won't see things or smell things or hear things that remind him of you and reopen the wound all of the time. Know what I mean?

Yeah. He'll just have an idealized version in his memory.

You don't think the reaction could ever be "I can't care about this person, look at what they did!!!"

They'll see through it if things were fine and then before the suicide you suddenly became an ass

 

[Pistolero114]

Postvention is the care of the people you leave behind

Have any of you had experience with this? What makes suicide worse than accidental death? Can you imagine anything that would make it easier to swallow? What if it was revealed that the person you lost was doing some extremely wrong stuff, that most of everyone vehemently hates. Does that effect your level of grief?

Would you rather have an extremely explanatory letter or nothing at all?

What if it was not apparent at all that it was a suicide?

If I committ to cbt I would not leave a note. The people who matter will know why and the people who come to "pay respects" don't deserve any explanation. If they can't figure out why they don't deserve to be told. Let them hash it out themselves. This is a bit brutal I know but I have born witness to this. The last time I attended a funeral of a fallen brother someone said I don't understand why they didn't call me....well I responded; they did but you were either too busy to make time or told them I can't talk about that sort of thing right now. Their heads hung and they knew I was correct. Sorry; I have strong opinions about this sort of thing. Don't offer to be there if you make excuses all the time. You're not being an asset. You're a liability.

 

[Kjo]

I

If I committ to cbt I would not leave a note. The people who matter will know why and the people who come to "pay respects" don't deserve any explanation. If they can't figure out why they don't deserve to be told. Let them hash it out themselves. This is a bit brutal I know but I have born witness to this. The last time I attended a funeral of a fallen brother someone said I don't understand why they didn't call me....well I responded; they did but you were either too busy to make time or told them I can't talk about that sort of thing right now. Their heads hung and they knew I was correct. Sorry; I have strong opinions about this sort of thing. Don't offer to be there if you make excuses all the time. You're not being an asset. You're a liability.

Was explaining to someone just the other day that a reach for help doesn't always come with sirens and pleads, but sometimes just a small "hey" text...

 

[Pistolero114]

I


Was explaining to someone just the other day that a reach for help doesn't always come with sirens and pleads, but sometimes just a small "hey" text...

Indubitaly. But 90 pointers don't get it.

 

[Kjo]

Yeah. He'll just have an idealized version in his memory.

They'll see through it if things were fine and then before the suicide you suddenly became an ass

Idealized version and probably self blame (i.e. if only I were a better child etc.) Because a young brain may not be able to understand the scope of it without some self impression and abandonment feeling...


As well, if it's something genetic, it may be very beneficial to be able to help him diagnose earlier on to stand a better chance? For example, I'm Bipolar. Had my mom diagnosed my brother and I as children, we would've been able to get on medication and manage it a helluva lot better then just learning about it so late in life.

 

[inconsequential]

As much as humans wish to do this, we cannot control the emotions of others. They will react the way they are going to react; no matter what preparations you take, no matter what is put into place, they will react as they are conditioned to.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Idealized version and probably self blame (i.e. if only I were a better child etc.) Because a young brain may not be able to understand the scope of it without some self impression and abandonment feeling...


As well, if it's something genetic, it may be very beneficial to be able to help him diagnose earlier on to stand a better chance? For example, I'm Bipolar. Had my mom diagnosed my brother and I as children, we would've been able to get on medication and manage it a helluva lot better then just learning about it so late in life.

If they were an infant, "I should have been a better child" won't really apply. That will happen if they are toddler or older though. There's a lot of possibilities for how the child will respond. Some even respond with hatred over the abandonment.

 

[Kjo]

If they were an infant, "I should have been a better child" won't really apply. That will happen if they are toddler or older though. There's a lot of possibilities for how the child will respond. Some even respond with hatred over the abandonment.

I promise it's very likely to happen at any age, even more so younger. Even newborns given up to loving families always ask that. My dad left me at the hospital and I question everyday why he didn't want me. My older brother blamed himself at 1 1/2 years old.

One of my closest friends was closed adopted at birth, so the true parents were never listed. She didn't look like her adoptive parents so they told her she was adopted when she asked... She's questioned how her biological mom could give her up every day....

No guarantee it'll happen, regardless.

 

[Pistolero114]

As much as humans wish to do this, we cannot control the emotions of others. They will react the way they are going to react; no matter what preparations you take, no matter what is put into place, they will react as they are conditioned to.

I hold degrees in various flavors of psych. You are correct in your statement that human beings will react however they react. Perception is key here in my opinion. One person seeing a situation will invariably see something different about it than another person. One of my dearest friends holds PhDs in genetics and biology. She is fond of telling me I practice a pseudoscience. She states as I cannot use scientific method to get consistent measurable results every time it is not a true science. My response was to ask her if she had ever come across two or more human beings who act EXACTLY alike? Her response was of course "no". I replied that you would never see that. Therefore while scientific method was employed in studies I was involved with it is impossible for me to find two groups of people through multiple studies who were considered exactly the same and until such subjects were provided to me I would not be able to repeat said study with exacting results because the test subjects could not be duplicated. Understanding the physics necessary to create a fusion furnace was much easier than understanding the human psyche. Bottom line is we will all react in accordance to our perception of the situation at hand. But I refuse to abandon the effort to understand simply because it's not a "real" science". Besides; think of how bored we'd all become if everyone was exactly the same. If you've followed me this far you are a Saint. Thanks for listening.

 

[Morphinekiss]

It's important to know that time cures everything, after 1, 3, 5, 10 years, the people that care about you will be kind of cured

No. please don't bank on time curing things. This fall will be 20 years since my brother ctb and I still hurt every day. My father hides and cries every day.

We had found peace because we now know how much he was suffering with drugs and unknown (to us) sexual abuse. We are glad he is out of pain, he would hate the way society is today. But we are not cured.

When I ctb I'm leaving a novel sized letter so there are no questions. But I also am putting it off as long as possible, maybe even 10+years, because I do know first hand what I'm leaving others to deal with when I go.

 

[Marz]

This is not entirely related to the emotional effect it'll have on people, but moreso the financial...Cremations and any sort of burial services are madly costly where I live, twice the minimum wage. My family can't afford it. We are barely getting by. I'd like to gather up money first so they can get by after I'm gone. I won't be able to alleviate any emotional pain whatsoever, but being the cause of my loved ones starving haunts me.

 

[cornflowerblue]

I promise it's very likely to happen at any age, even more so younger. Even newborns given up to loving families always ask that. My dad left me at the hospital and I question everyday why he didn't want me. My older brother blamed himself at 1 1/2 years old.

One of my closest friends was closed adopted at birth, so the true parents were never listed. She didn't look like her adoptive parents so they told her she was adopted when she asked... She's questioned how her biological mom could give her up every day....

No guarantee it'll happen, regardless.

I didn't mean that negative reactions can be prevented. I was trying to say that the older the kid is, the worse the guilt and reaction will probably be. There's absolutely no way to CTB without making others feel bad. But there are ways to make it less or more difficult for the surviving family.

This is not entirely related to the emotional effect it'll have on people, but moreso the financial...Cremations and any sort of burial services are madly costly where I live, twice the minimum wage. My family can't afford it. We are barely getting by. I'd like to gather up money first so they can get by after I'm gone. I won't be able to alleviate any emotional pain whatsoever, but being the cause of my loved ones starving haunts me.

Look into "whole body donation". Many programs cover some of the funeral costs, and all of them cover cremation and body disposal costs at least.