I think I am currently between the zone of wanting to do something and feeling the need to do something. I could imagine writing less threads than usually in the next few days. But I am not sure.
I don't have know I have the expectation of me to contribute something. I know that is wrong. But maybe I will spend some more time in the rate your suicidal thoughts thread. I am very ambivalent. It is not that I am running out of ideas. I have less currently but this is not the main problem.
I think the main issue is my sleep. The quality is pretty poor. I wake up very early in the morning which is a warning sign for mania. Normally writing here rather helps to decrease manic symptoms for me. But currently it is weird. Some days ago I felt quite manic and it scared me. I had the feeling I need to change something. I am playing a very exciting game currently. I think it contributes to my mania. Which is weird video games usually don't do that with me.
So I have started to play less of this particular video game and instead started to read. I read DFW. I love his texts, I bought some books of him and I am kind of a collector. Usually I don't collect anything but with DFW it is different. I see many paralleles between his issues and mine. His stories can help me to turn introspective and be self-aware. And it kind of worked. I felt less manic. It is less stimulation which helps me a lot.
Though the weird thing is: despite the fact I felt less manic my sleeping disorder got worse. Yesterday iI felt very exhaustive due to fact my sleep quality is so poor. I thought maybe I can get more sleep when I am going to bed early. The complete opposite was the case. The night was horrible. Not sure whether the fact I went earlier to sleep contributed to it. I had extreme nightmares. One about my bullies at school. It was very agonizing. I might really be a little bit traumatized. I woke up 4:30 a.m. I felt horrible. I was sleepy but I could not sleep after this one. I stayed 2 hours more in bed however I could not get any sleep.
So I relaxed the whole day. It felt like wasting my time. I did some enjoyable things but I tried to reduce exciting stimulation as good as possible. I feel very fragile.
This night I take an addictive sleeping pill. I tried to reduce them good as possible. And I did but two nights in a row could have devastating effects on my mental well-being. Let's hope they will work. The funny thing is: the most beneficial effect of the sleeping pill is the hangover. If I take them late I sleep longer. So it is most helpful when I take them late at night then I sleep longer. It is kind of weird.
To add one thing. I struggle with OCD a lot. And I also developed OCD in this forum. Like checking my threads for a certain amount of times. But I am also in real life very compulsive. I hate OCD. But the OCD concerning performance pressure is way way worse than the one concerning this forum.
I don't have know I have the expectation of me to contribute something. I know that is wrong. But maybe I will spend some more time in the rate your suicidal thoughts thread. I am very ambivalent. It is not that I am running out of ideas. I have less currently but this is not the main problem.
I think the main issue is my sleep. The quality is pretty poor. I wake up very early in the morning which is a warning sign for mania. Normally writing here rather helps to decrease manic symptoms for me. But currently it is weird. Some days ago I felt quite manic and it scared me. I had the feeling I need to change something. I am playing a very exciting game currently. I think it contributes to my mania. Which is weird video games usually don't do that with me.
So I have started to play less of this particular video game and instead started to read. I read DFW. I love his texts, I bought some books of him and I am kind of a collector. Usually I don't collect anything but with DFW it is different. I see many paralleles between his issues and mine. His stories can help me to turn introspective and be self-aware. And it kind of worked. I felt less manic. It is less stimulation which helps me a lot.
Though the weird thing is: despite the fact I felt less manic my sleeping disorder got worse. Yesterday iI felt very exhaustive due to fact my sleep quality is so poor. I thought maybe I can get more sleep when I am going to bed early. The complete opposite was the case. The night was horrible. Not sure whether the fact I went earlier to sleep contributed to it. I had extreme nightmares. One about my bullies at school. It was very agonizing. I might really be a little bit traumatized. I woke up 4:30 a.m. I felt horrible. I was sleepy but I could not sleep after this one. I stayed 2 hours more in bed however I could not get any sleep.
So I relaxed the whole day. It felt like wasting my time. I did some enjoyable things but I tried to reduce exciting stimulation as good as possible. I feel very fragile.
This night I take an addictive sleeping pill. I tried to reduce them good as possible. And I did but two nights in a row could have devastating effects on my mental well-being. Let's hope they will work. The funny thing is: the most beneficial effect of the sleeping pill is the hangover. If I take them late I sleep longer. So it is most helpful when I take them late at night then I sleep longer. It is kind of weird.
To add one thing. I struggle with OCD a lot. And I also developed OCD in this forum. Like checking my threads for a certain amount of times. But I am also in real life very compulsive. I hate OCD. But the OCD concerning performance pressure is way way worse than the one concerning this forum.
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