IDK. It was supposed to be this year, but my brother is suddenly engaged this year. I don't want to be the party pooper with my disappearance and death and all.
I guess 5 years from now, more or less. Then again, something might pop up like the birth of my nephews and nieces, one of my siblings getting married, and all those kinds of things that will delay my suicide. I'm stuck, and it sucks.
I'm happy for my brother though. I wish my brother and my future sister-in-law all the best!
I'll be honest, in your position..I wouldn't give a shit, I wish my family nothing but the worst once I'm dead. I want them to experience and understand what I have been through. Pure, unadulterated suffering. (And a hollowness that is tortured by other's fulfillment.)
Realistically, I'm sure they'll be fine, more than fine, but the prospect would only be fair.
I would do my best not to end my pain on specific dates that already hold strong labels of significance, but the reasoning would not be for them.
I'm not going to sit around like a wet rag for other people's halfhearted benefit.
I did not even have a life, so I would not be arsed to bow down to the privilege of a damn wedding that basically celebrates someone's perceived entitlement to the dying icon of what society thinks love should look like-and how much my relatives care for someone else who doesn't deserve it, while they treated me like dog shit.
All that stuff you listed is exactly the type of thing I do not want to be around for.
Nieces and nephews? Jesus Christ, no, for what? To see a generation stemmed from my blood that will likely be better off in every conceivable way, and adored by all those who neglected me? I will gouge my eyes out!
I truly hope I am spared of at least that much.
It's bad enough to imagine it happening after I'm no longer conscious to experience it, as it likely will. It's maddening to me.
Excuse my vitriol, but I'm becoming more and more enraged and stripped of the common pleasantries, the closer I get to fulfilling the act of snuffing out this walking corpse. I can't speak my mind to those who deserve it without severe consequences, so I must resort to this I suppose! I'm sure you must have a much better relationship with your family and a different set of problems that may not lead to the type of embittering chaos I find myself at the center of, and for that I envy you. I hope your family treats you well to deserve the type of devotion that would have you prolong your suffering to witness their happiness.
