Discussion Post My interrupted SN attempt...

[_battered_butterfly_]

Feeling Hollow an empty.
One week hosp. Stay... Which wasn't all bad.
Two new med. Not responding well to one... So I stopped it


I feel guilty
Soooo guilty for feeling so empty and hollow and numb.
I feel I should be grateful this attempt was stopped... Like some divine intervention.
I have caused my fiancé and family a lot of pain this week.
And instead of feeling sorry or bothered by it or remorseful or sympathetic
... I just feel... Hollow.
With intermittent periods of anger that I am stillll here and my SN was discarded of.

Would be easy to get more... On a different card, shipped at a time when only I am home
And would be easy to hide.

Could take my SN and Propranolol and olanzapine and walk to a nearby hotel as soon as everyone is gone for work and school...
Yet despite the anger...
And the hollow...
And the apathy...

A little part of me feels I should give therapy and medication a try... Get my house in line, animals taken care of. Get things done to alleviate some of the existential anxiety I feel
The overwhelm...
... And The subsequent procrastination.

Does anyone else just not want to life?
Like it all takes so much energy to LIFE, which I don't have. So much angst and uncertainty and worrrrrk. The endless work.

I feel no real joy anymore and haven't in ages
I will keep up the charade for now.
Actually... I WILL try. For as long as I can.

But keeping SS around... My Supplies and the TO DO, and the peace of mind in knowing the ease of which I can order more SN.

 

[WornOutLife]

I feel no real joy anymore and haven't in ages
I will keep up the charade for now.
Actually... I WILL try. For as long as I can.

Me too, my friend, me too.

 

[mini_weeny]

Feeling Hollow an empty.
One week hosp. Stay... Which wasn't all bad.
Two new med. Not responding well to one... So I stopped it


I feel guilty
Soooo guilty for feeling so empty and hollow and numb.
I feel I should be grateful this attempt was stopped... Like some divine intervention.
I have caused my fiancé and family a lot of pain this week.
And instead of feeling sorry or bothered by it or remorseful or sympathetic
... I just feel... Hollow.
With intermittent periods of anger that I am stillll here and my SN was discarded of.

Would be easy to get more... On a different card, shipped at a time when only I am home
And would be easy to hide.

Could take my SN and Propranolol and olanzapine and walk to a nearby hotel as soon as everyone is gone for work and school...
Yet despite the anger...
And the hollow...
And the apathy...

A little part of me feels I should give therapy and medication a try... Get my house in line, animals taken care of. Get things done to alleviate some of the existential anxiety I feel
The overwhelm...
... And The subsequent procrastination.

Does anyone else just not want to life?
Like it all takes so much energy to LIFE, which I don't have. So much angst and uncertainty and worrrrrk. The endless work.

I feel no real joy anymore and haven't in ages
I will keep up the charade for now.
Actually... I WILL try. For as long as I can.

But keeping SS around... My Supplies and the TO DO, and the peace of mind in knowing the ease of which I can order more SN.

Why did your attempt failed?

 

[_battered_butterfly_]

Why did your attempt failed?

It was interrupted literallllly the moment I was gunna drink it. Fiancé showed up randomly from work at 10 a.m. with a "weird feeling" and startled me.
I regret not just drinking it right then and there... Probably could've had I NOT been so startled... The medical staff who arrived probably wouldn't have known what was going on to give me the right "antidote." Maybe tried to intubate me but that does no good with SN.